Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

So I’ve been thinking about the question and I still can’t think of an answer.

My response would be that people in relationships shouldn’t be so condescending to someone like me. Don’t say:

”You’re young, you’ll find someone soon”.

”The moment you stop looking it tends to happen”.

”You’re lucky to be single”.

“Why do you want to be in a relationship?”

These questions are immensely condescending and just diminish the feelings I have.

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

That's okay. I posed the question as just an open one to think about. I don't need an answer to it, though certainly if you have suggestions about how we can help you better, that would be welcomed as well.

I cannot speak for the women who posted to you earlier, but for me, I sometimes stop responding to people when I feel like they are already forming connections with others, or where I do not feel like I have more to help with. Given that your questions have been largely around why women hate you and sexual frustration as a man, I don't know if women who don't know you would have much to say. So I wouldn't take it personally, but simply the conversation happening is not really woman-friendly if that makes sense.

Anyway, how is your week looking? Have you got much on?

James

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I think that’s a valid point. I don’t want women to feel like they can’t comment here though. Because their opinion is just as valid here as anyone else’s. Primarily because it would be good to hear what women find attractive or unattractive by what men do. Because I’m not so sure what that is.

I have the board games group tomorrow night. I didn’t go last night because I had a family health problem that was urgent and I had to attend to. I have work Friday afternoon and I’m planning to see some friends on Sunday. I also want to do something on Saturday but I haven’t figured out what to do yet.

Oh I’m also seeing my therapist from Orygen in private practice tomorrow.

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

Thanks for giving my question a bit of thought. I didn't see your response until just then. It does suck when people are condescending, whether they mean to be or not.

From what I am hearing, it sounds like you're not so much disagreeing with what they are saying, but more so just frustrated that they do not seem to be acknowledging that it is, in the moment, very hard to be single. Is that right?

So perhaps you are young and perhaps you'll find someone, and perhaps you might even be "lucky" to not be in an abusive relationship...but the way people say these things often ignores the pain that you experience by being single right now.

I hope I'm not putting words in your mouth! Let me know if I am!

Cool. I hope the private visit goes well today, and the board games too. I had a board games night yesterday. We played a dice rolling game called "Roll through the ages" and another super complex game called "Coimbra". Both were very fun.

James

[james1]

Hi people,

I thought I'd post this article from the BBC. It's written by a guy who... well, very similar circumstances to what we are talking about here.

The last sentences are really important I think. We don't have a right to love, but it is a valid human wish. And it's nobody's fault if we don't find it, just circumstances.

Anyway, it's a good read

https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43956366

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I understand people who are in abusive relationships saying to someone else that you are better off single and I totally get that. You probably are. My problem is when someone says it in a smug kind of way after having a really petty argument. No, that person clearly doesn't remember what it was like to be single.

Right now it has never been harder to be single. It's probably, arguably, the worst time in history to be single. With social media promoting these ridiculous perceptions of relationships and these asinine tv shows like "The Bachelor/Bachelorette", it makes you think you need to be a certain way or you'll never experience it. I'll certainly never experience it because I'm an ugly and a boring moron/idiot/dunce/blockhead/dullard/imbecile/ignoramus etc etc.

It does diminish the pain and makes it confirm what I know now about society:

"To some extent, most people take relationships for granted".

We truly do. And this makes it incredibly hard for people like me to know how it will happen. I'm practically convinced it won't happen because I am a twisted and psychotic person who is not allowed to have anything decent in his life.

I challenge anyone to make me see differently on that idea. I don't think we really know what its like to be single in this world and let me tell you, its hard. Painfully hard. Because this is a couples world. It is not a singles world. And people wonder why I find it so hard.

[Azzdog]

Today has been so damn hard. I feel so rejected right now.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Hi. O have not been here for a while. Sorry about that, and things seem hard for you at the moment. But I also do not think that you are twisted or psychotic as you put it. There are issues you are trying to address and probably not working as fast as you might like.

My psychologist wanted me to focus on the positive side of things each day. Something like a hot chocolate, or even the smell of rain on grass. Even the smallest things counted. It was hard when I first started. But over time I have been able to get a better outlook on life. It is not instant. Not everyone has running water, not everyone showers, not everyone can eat. These are the small things my psych mentioned to me. I am wondering if you might be able to reflect on the past day(s) and find some positives?

Do you still go to the board games club? How is that going? Relationships are like plants. Needs good soil, needs to be watered, nurtured to grow. It takes time and patience.

Put me into a room with strangers and I would have difficulties making a friend. But if I were with the same people week after week, relationships might form.

So perhaps my question to you is... Can you please tell me the reason behind going to the board games club the first time?

I am still here, still listening, and caring.

All the best,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

No its okay. Don't worry about it.

I am trying really hard to think of positives and I can't think of too many. Maybe going to private practice yesterday was a positive step? I don't know really.

I feel like the soil I own has been salted by someone. You couldn't grow anything in my garden. Besides, a lot of people don't give me any opportunities anyway. Women particularly. I am an ugly and boring person. I still think my comment on relationships stands, particularly after todays debacle.

I have gone to the board games group with the express intention of just trying new things and trying to expand my social circle. Thats my main goal right now.

Thanks man I appreciate it

[Azzdog]

I try to remain positive about it but I just can't. People may say "Aaron, you are 24 years old. You are young and it will happen", but there is a problem with that. Women just don't like me. Plain and simple. I am constantly rejected everywhere I go and it puzzles me as to what I need to do to convince women I am not a disgusting creep. That I am half decent, I think.

I keep reading forum posts on here and, apart from one other person, it seems like everyone who posts on BB's forums is in a relationship. So clearly I'm doing something wrong. There is something that everyone does that I don't and no one can tell me what it is.

I won't get a girlfriend. It is becoming self-evident now. I really should just give up shouldn't I?

I don't know why seemingly everyone else can do it but I can't? Am I really that ugly? I must be. I must be an incredibly boring person too. There is nothing about me that is cool.