Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Yeah it does. Sometimes though. Sometimes the thoughts can be so full on that its just too hard.

So my psychologist decided to prolong my discharge at Orygen so the transition to private practice is a lot easier.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I did reply but the message hasn't gotten through yet.

I don't often use that as a way of dealing with my own problems. Probably because I am so involved in my own head that I tend to forget that there are other people in this world.

I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life at the moment. I graduate in December with my bachelor and yet I feel so unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I am trying to get out and do more things but it is tricky due to the fact that I have very particular interests that not a lot of people my generation find appealing.

The idea of not being in a relationship at 24 really, in an ideal world, should not be a big deal. But its what society does to me that makes it hard to let that thought go. I also have OCD so that doesn't really help either. All these dating shows on TV and movies that constantly have a love element to it (even if it offers nothing to the overall plot) makes it impossible to avoid. That's where I am at at the moment. How could it possibly happen to me is anyones guess. The problem I face with is that I carry a lot of emotional baggage and there is only so much I can do before everything becomes overwhelming. I hate facing reality but its simple, I still don't know if I am attractive enough to a woman at all. It is going to take a brave commitment from someone to embrace me for who I am. That's what frightens me.

I am very stuck, isolated and rejected right now. It has been a long week and I haven't even got to the busiest part yet.

[james1]

hey aaron,

Oh how do you feel about the extended discharge at Orygen? I remember you said you have had some issues with the group.

You said you don't often use talking to others about non-mental health things much because you get caught up in your own head. I get that. When I was really struggling, the very concept of just asking someone how their day was, and actually just having a chat about a movie or something, just never occurred to me because I was so overwhelmed. But friends of mine asked if I wanted to talk about something else, so I did...and it helped.

Yeah, there's a lot you are trying to deal with at the moment and it's hard when you feel triggered by so many things in every day life. I don't know the solution but I wish I did. Perhaps something to think about...have you ever considered that being rejected, your looks and attractiveness, and ultimately whether you are or aren't in a relationship actually has very little to do with you?

I dunno. It seems to me that you take a lot of responsibility for the result of your dating but I wonder if you're taking on too much. Your looks are (more or less) fixed, and you certainly can't change what people are physically attracted to.

For example, I am Chinese and I am shorter than most women. I wear glasses, do zero physical exercise and have no sense of style (nor do I care). If I'm brutally honest with myself, that profile basically cuts me out of the searches of most women that I am also attracted to. My dating pool is tiiiiny. I went out with a lovely girl for about 3 months before she cut it off because she said she really really liked me, but she just wasn't physically attracted to me. That one hurt so much. But I reminded myself that I can't change any of that and I thought, "well, if I go through 100 rejections just to find one person who is physically attracted to me, hopefully it's worth it." So I found a friend to debrief after each one, and basically threw myself into the fire of dating.

There's really nothing you can do about rejections. They're not about you. They're about the other person and what they want. I say that because maybe it'll help you feel a little better about yourself. Perhaps it can help to remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I had an issue with a therapist there which never got resolved to my satisfaction. The other problem I have is that the psychologist I’m meant to see in private practice played a part in the issue not getting resolved properly. My dilemma is can I trust him? I’m not sure I can to be honest.

I have considered it a little bit. I try to think of it like this: I’m an old soul. I’m not into contemporary societal trends and find a lot of television to be valid and vain. I like old school punk music and I have strong musical opinions which is another way of saying how much I despise modern music.

I feel like this alone puts in into a niche market. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I mean it’s not my fault. But I often feel if things were different if I was a bit more mainstream. In fact I feel like I’ve mentioned this before so I won’t labour the point.

I guess that’s a good point. I think it’s because I’m looking in the wrong places. Online dating just doesn’t cut it for me. It’s too one dimensional. It doesn’t have enough nuance and it puts a lot of pressure on you to sell yourself and which makes you appear vulnerable. I’ve deleted all the online dating apps because I’ve had enough with them.

Sorry if I didn’t address your question properly, I’m having a hard time thinking about this dilemma I have. I had my last group at Orygen yesterday which made me feel so sad and rejected. I wish there was more out there that offered something like that.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Ending a relationship with someone, even if professional can be difficult. You said that you had your last group at Orygen in your last post. And I suppose now you will be going to a psychologist in private practice. Perhaps an opportunity to the start anew. I know that you that person "played a part in the issue not getting resolved properly", but is this issue something you might be able to bring up when you see them next? A chance to develop trust? Clients are encouraged to be open in their conversation, and counsellor/client relationship to have good rapport.

Been watching the support you have given to HamSolo. Good on you. And I also noticed that in that thread you mentioned about not being ready for a relationship, and above you said "if I were a little more mainstream" but here is the thing... There were some people from an old workplace(s) that liked to do medieval battles. Others likes to do RPGs. Some liked country music. So they would hang out with like minded people. A week or two ago you went to a board games night. People there liked to play board games. Not everyone like board games. I I like death metal, but my family don't.

Can you tell me a little more about the board games night? It sounded like you enjoyed your time there. Some things to think about are, what were the age demographics of those attending? Did you or are you able to form new connections there? Are you still going?

How is Uni going?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I hate endings because they never work out for me. This one hasn't been so bad so far. I managed despite having to go to work for the past two days. Work is generally my biggest trigger so the fact I survived without so much of a peep of an episode is perhaps a sign my resolve is coming back. *touch wood*

My psychologist that I may see in private practice definitely knows whats happening. My psychologist that I am seeing right now would tell him that because he was a big part of my therapy and he is also my current psychologists boss. Because Orygen is a public service the clinicians there work as teams so pretty much most people would know about the difficulties I have had with senior management of Orygen. It is going to be tricky as my ruminating mind cannot make a decision. Do I want to see him or not? I don't really want to start again because so much has happened the past year and a half but I need to know I can fully trust the person I'm working with. It is a dilemma.

I've only been to the board games group a couple of times. To be honest I don't know much about board games and the ones they have there are really exotic. I'm using it at the moment as a spring board for developing better interpersonal skills and, who knows, something could come of it. The demographics are quite broad. It is men and women and people of all ages (above the age of 18). So I haven't really built any new connections yet but I will go again this Tuesday. Last Tuesday was Melbourne Cup Day so it was a public holiday.

Uni is going okay despite me not doing much of the readings. I only have some much energy where I focus it on doing the assignments, the things that matter. I have one more piece of assessment to do by Tuesday and then I am done for the semester.

Aaron

[Azzdog]

I feel like just espousing my views on life here and I apologise if it comes a tripe or if it is barely legible.

I've been thinking more and more about social institutions. The things we humans do socially together and we never seem to question it. One of those is the idea of drinking alcohol. I have never really understood it or why it is so valued in our culture? When I was on Bumble (I have got rid of it because of how little I was getting out of it) most of the women who were on there all had at least one picture of them drinking a glass of wine or something of that equivalence. It is clear that something like that is clearly attractive and yet I find that kind of lifestyle to be so vapid and vain. It seems so inauthentic to me. Yet I feel very ashamed by the fact I don't drink alcohol. It is a weird feeling to have yet I almost feel like I am a rebel for not drinking it. It is a little ironic when you think about it.

Another social institution I have been questioning lately has been the institution of marriage. I was asked earlier this year, when I was in hospital, why do I want to get married so much? The only answers I could give was because it was an expression of love to that special someone and that I really want to be a father some day. Then I thought that I don't need to get married for either of those things do I? I mean, there are many ways to express your love for someone. A wedding just seems ridiculously expensive and vain to me. A lot of that money could go to something where money is hard to acquire. Orygen needs more funds as it is a public service and relies heavily on the Victorian State Government. I feel like a lot of money goes to waste when you are spending it on lavish parties. There is something fundamentally wrong with it and yet we never seem to question these things. We just accept it.

It is like the obsession radio hosts have with sex. I was (reluctantly thanks to work) listening to the radio last night and they had this stupid thing called radio tinder. People call up to go on dates. You must have no standards or values if thats the lows you will stoop too.

I'm sorry if this comes off too strong or whatnot. I just have a hard time accepting things based on the fact its just been this way for so long. I'm also having a hard day with rumination which makes everything even worse.

[Azzdog]

I feel so isolated, lonely and rejected. I am fuming with rage over the hand I’ve been dealt with. I’ve been reading so many of the forums here and it seems like most people, despite their difficulties, are in relationships.

SO WHATS THE PROBLEM WITH ME?!?! WHY DO ALL WOMEN HATE ME SO MUCH?!?!?

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

Sorry to hear you are really angry right now.

I will be blunt, but I am not trying to tell you to leave or anything. It is just a suggestion based on what you are saying.

If reading about other people's struggles, and these other people just happen to be in relationships, is a trigger for you, then that does not sound like a healthy mental space to be in.

From my understanding of what you wrote, it sounds like even if these people have very serious mental health problems - just like you - the unrelated fact that they are in a relationship makes you really angry and disconnected from them.

This forum should be a safe space where people can both talk about their issues with not having a relationship, as well as their issues with relationships, or about the loved ones in their lives who help with their other unrelated mental health problems.

I want you to be able to have this safe space online, but it seems really hard for you to talk to us if we are in relationships.

How do you think we might be able to help you talk to people in relationships who also want to help you?

James

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

No I don't think it is a good place to be but the problem is how am I going to get used to it if I keep avoiding it? My doctor believes my psychosexual development has stalled and that does make sense. A lot of things are triggers in regards to this issue.

I have struggled immensely to even have a connection with a woman, just on a friendship level. Hell, even on an acquaintance level. I feel like I just project ugliness wherever I go. I feel like the absence of women on my forum is an example of that. I'm a truly ugly person if I can make someone feel uncomfortable via the internet.

I honestly don't know how to answer your question at the end. I am not dealing with things very well at the moment. So I'm sorry if I can't answer your question right now. I'll reply a little later when I can think more clearly