Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

I'm sorry to read that you have felt so much worse recently. It can hear that you are struggling just to stay alive and I don't want to push you, so please feel free to tell me if you do not want to respond, or if there's something I can actually do to help, let me know.

From what you said, you have a lot of hobbies and interests, and you like that you have these hobbies and interests. You sound quite comfortable in that from how I interpreted your statement that you have everything.

But despite all that it seems like how women seem to treat you has a huge impact on your well being and happiness.

For me, having spoken to you in the last couple of months, I guess I am just sad to hear that the pain from these rejections is so great that even a combination of us talking to you, your own satisfaction with your interests and getting a work placement cannot replace acceptance from females. I understand it, but I guess it is just very difficult. It sounds like you could have everything, but without fair treatment from women, you don't feel like you can be happy.

I do not know what to do in this case. I know my own experience which I have described, but it sounds like you do not feel like that experience could be shared by you in the future. So I won't frustrate you by continuing to talk about it, but please do keep talking to us if you feel like it helps. And if there is something we can do, let us know. I've tried to answer your questions as best I could, but I understand that maybe you've been too overwhelmed to really consider them.

James

[Azzdog]

I have tried to consider them and I have even put them into action. I just don't know why anything works. I try and try but women don't care. They never have and never will.

I do feel comfortable in what I like and apparently, from Quercus said, that is confidence. Then why do women still reject me? Why? Why? Why? I'm more interesting than those morons with thick skulls have.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Me again. Hope you dont mind if I revisit my previous post?

Lately I have been reading articles and books about things in my life. For example, stuff about haemochromatosis, anxiety and depression and related topics. Started with Lost Connections, then a book by a christian about his encounter with depression, and then some from the Dalai Lama, and now The book of Joy. So why do I read these books? By reading stories about other people, I might find something I can apply to my life. Or by getting a greater understanding about some problems, I can then find a way of overcoming that problem.

One book that you can read much of online is called (from Google books)

Autistics' Guide to Dating: A Book by Autistics, for Autistics and Those Who Love Them

Now I have skimmed the first few pages, and it is not a difficult read. And a follow up question I might have is what sort of woman you are you actually looking for? Someone who meets all your criteria? or some? Would you go out with a person an a person that is autistic?

My own father was/is not a confident person, and put all his efforts into the study etc to "hide" his lack of confidence. And he got a Uni medal. He met my mum through a friend. Friendship turned into love into marriage. Crawling, to walking, to running.

I am not a confident person either, and met my wife by tagging along to a party with my brother. I then spoke to her on the phone one night (wont say how long for) but, like dad, friendship turned into love into marriage. I cannot speak for dad, but the KEY for me is listening. Hang off every word they say. Ask questions. Find out more about them. Encourage them in their goals. Initial contact into friendship....

Still with you,

Tim

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

I'm sorry to see how distressed you are. You've got a lot of people here who do care about your wellbeing and we're all worried to be blunt.

May I ask why do you feel a hospital visit won't help you? In my experience when we are very upset and unwell it's not a good time to seek a relationship.

I do believe you have confidence. I do believe you will find someone you connect with in time. But right now you're not treating yourself with respect or care. You're not a moron. I know you're hurting but please don't put yourself down.

What do you think about the idea that we set the example of how we should be treated?

I'll use your thread as an example...

You mention often being rejected by women and how deeply that hurts you. Sometimes when you write I feel as if you expect all women in life to reject you. It unconsciously creates pressure on me as a woman to prove I'm not going to let you down. To reassure you more often than feels natural for me.

To me it feels like...

I'm fighting your expectation that I will give up on helping you.

That isn't a good feeling. It doesn't make me feel good about myself. So I feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to say.

So I post less often.

Which then makes me feel like I'm proving you right. Cue more discomfort and less replies. It is a vicious cycle.

I wonder what do you make of that perspective?

Most importantly.... Will you please consider talking to your psych about hospital and why they feel it will help you? I tend to agree that sometimes we need to be safe first and then tackle problems.

Nat

[Azzdog]

I don't expect the person to meet all my criteria because I don't even know what all my criteria is. I just want her to be kind, understanding, honest, open-minded, etc. This wouldn't be any different from others but somehow I feel like life has already made a decision on me that it won't happen.

About the point about listening.... WHAT DO YOU THINK IVE DONE MY ENTIRE LIFE?? That is exactly what I do, with not just women, but with people I've met from all walks of life. It doesn't work for me because people don't care about me. At school they just used it as an excuse to walk over me. I do listen to others, I remember what people say, I use that in conversation next time we meet, I encourage them with their goals, but it has never lead to anything. Because I am ugly, inside and out. I obviously have nothing that is interesting about me.

Quercus, I understand that you may feel like you will let me down. Women have constantly rejected me in my life so if you were to do it, it wouldn't be a big deal. It is the norm, the status quo.

I don't know how I will meet someone to be honest. I don't drink alcohol, I'm not into current music, I'm not a bar or club goer, I'm not into parties, I'm a boring sack of crap to be honest. No woman of my generation is into that. They all love parties and the such. If Bumble and Tinder are to go by I am perhaps the most boring individual in the world.

I don't want to go hospital because it is just delaying the inevitable. They say at least I will be safe but I say my thoughts are not going to change while I'm there. My therapist goes on leave tomorrow and its a public holiday on Friday. This means that the occupational therapists won't be in and so there won't be any group activities. Then the weekend comes along and Orygen is a public health service so none of the psychs or OT's will be on site. That's three days without stimulation. Do you understand how rejected I will feel because of that? I will be all alone in a psych ward. I have no friends that care or understand about mental health. They think I need 'perspective'.

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

Right. I'm pretty damn worried right about now.

What IS going to help you get you through this low you've hit? Long weekend. Therapist away. Reluctant to go to hospital. So what is your plan Aaron?

Who knows offline how badly you're feeling and can keep you safe? Because to be very blunt I'm probably going to end up reporting your last post because you don't seem safe to me.

Someone on the forums once asked me to look at how negative the language used in my post was. That is how I felt reading your last post. It feels like you are expecting the worst of everything rather than being open to the possibility that good things are possible.

You're not a "boring sack of crap". What IS crap is hearing you putting yourself down. Ok you feel awful and hopeless right now but that doesn't make it TRUE. Sometimes we need to keep busy and distract the unhelpful thoughts. Cut them off as soon as they begin.

What things will help you to keep busy? Good music and a gym session? Swimming laps? Composing music? Is it unrealistic to make a list of things to try when you need distraction?

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

I apologise if my last post offended you. I did not mean that you didnt listen (you had that in CAPS), more the how, and making the other feel appreciated. Sorry.

Hey. Another thought to ponder... I read a lot of negative statement you have written about yourself. And I think that you have been made to feel this way, or have felt like this for a long time that it is difficult the change how we see ourselves. And that presents a challenge that may take days, weeks, or months to overcome. It has taken me nearly 1/2 a year to work out gratitudes in my daily life. So here is the challenge my psych presented to me...

Another book my psych wanted me to read was "The happiness trap". A second thing I have to do is challenge negative thoughts, and this requires going through and answering a dozen questions. One of "questions" changing "I should..." to something like "While I would prefer....". This by the way relates to labels ("I am stupid"). In the book it then it says to recognise the thought. So rather than saying "I am stupid", I would change that to "I am having the thought that I am stupid".

For you it might be ...

• "I am having the thought that I am boring"
• "I am having the thought that I am a sack of crap"

You say you are boring but you write music. You say you are boring but like politics and punk music. You have these thoughts, which while they maybe natural and appear real, is the mind playing tricks.

I remember that you once tried to go somewhere but anxiety got the better of you that night. And I think that you live in/near Melbourne? Anyway, there are online punk groups in meetup. Have you looked there at all? Creating virtual friendships?

We are all just companions with you on this journey. Trying to keep you safe.

Maybe you tell us what we could do to help you?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey,

So I didn't end up going to hospital but I don't feel that much better.

However, I have a couple of ideas for next week. I will do the boardgames group on Monday and I will be going to a ukulele group on Thursday. I did get a ukulele yesterday, as a belated birthday present, and I have been playing to nonstop for the past 24 hours. I have already written a song on it.

I don't go to the gym at the moment as I don't have the money or the time. But I do go for walks and listen to music when I'm down. I am currently listening to Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles. I think that song is about John's favourite place to go when he felt down (he had a rough childhood). I think coming up with a fantasy place that is full of my favourite things doesn't sound like a bad idea.

I guess the reason why I have these thoughts is because I've had very few people stick by me over the years. I spent a lot of time of the past few years building up my personality to the point where it is now. I have a lot of interests and hobbies and have a lot of things I can do in my spare time. On some level I know I'm not boring but I get rejected a lot which makes me confused and angry. I do know guys who do nothing in their lives and are proud of it. Yet women line up for these men, it makes no sense to me.

I do try to change the thought process but its hard when you don't have a lot of evidence to state the contrary.

I still think me dying alone is the most likely scenario right now.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Glad to see you are back. Firstly, even though this is a virtual space, one thing for sure is that people will stick to you here. While our situations are different, or issues are different, we can empathize with you.

The second thing I wanted to mention was in relation to your 2nd last paragraph. I know what that feels like. When any positives you might have are drowned by negative thoughts. Where all we can see are the negatives. My psychologist started me on writing positives each day. It was very hard at first. But I did it because I had faith in my psychologist. And I still do it daily. Why? So that I don't revert back to the person I was. Each day provides a glimmer of hope. It is a way of retraining my brain, or mind.

Musically, what I listen to reflects my mood. If I am down, I will listen to something melancholic. To create a sense of belonging. Remember these are tools at your disposal when you need them. Going off topic now, but since you raised the Beatles, do you listen to any of the really early stuff from Elton John? Some of that stuff was good.

All the best,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey,

I'm glad that you will stick by me despite my mood swings. I can't promise I can prevent it from happening but it is nice to know that all of you understand that. If only others did as well...

I guess that is something I can try. I don't normally focus on the positives because the negative thoughts are just too strong. Even on a day where a lot of positives have come out of it. The negative thoughts come right back. It is like a default setting. It's what the brain is used to and it doesn't want to change that.

I listen to a lot of melancholy music when I'm sad or angry music when I'm... angry. I'll be honest a lot of music is melancholy at best. I don't know that much about Elton John apart from his greatest hits which I have a copy of at home. I tend to stick to the bands such as The Beatles or The Who or Led Zeppelin.