Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[smallwolf]

I know what I am about to say is one of those things you probably don't like, but sometimes things take time. Here I am referring to joining other clubs, finding activities to do. I think that me and IT are incompatible now. The stress associated. Looking for the next thing to do took me close to the 5-6 months and then finally starting a new course. So I can understand your apprehension (?) if it exists. Especially when you have other things going on at the same time.

Back later.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

No I understand it. I don't like hearing it but I understand it. I am prepared to give more things are shot starting next week when placement finishes.

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

You said something about how you are trying to work on all these things, but the thing where you get stuck is working out how to change women's opinions of you.

You sound like you really to connect with people, but there is a barrier especially between you and women which is creating a lot of raw pain. None of the advice we give actually works and when you look around, that same advice, or even worse advice, seems to be working for others. As you said earlier, a lot of it feels like empty platitudes - I get that.

But at the same time, that's why we seek external input - because our own worlds are limited by our own experiences. Your experiences have so far been very difficult and I can understand why you feel the way you do about many things, but they are limited.

So maybe it's no comfort for me to say this, but it is what I think is true. When we say, "you just need to be yourself, and you will meet people", we know we are asking you to take a leap of faith. We know we are asking you to believe something that you have never experienced or seen. But we are not lying that it does happen.

I understand that it is hard, really hard, when you are waiting essentially for what can feel like a miracle.

I stuck to my guns for ages, and people I'd go on dates with would just ghost or say sorry but no. I went through Tinder, Bumble, Hitch, Match, eHarmony, RSVP, PlentyOfFish, and OKCupid exhaustively, to the point that each one started giving me repeats of the same people. It really hurts, and I started to think - what do I need to change to get people to accept me, like me, want to actually go on a date with me?

In the end, I didn't change and I did find some person crazy enough to match my crazy. That is all my story is. A lot of hardship, a lot of second guessing my own convictions, then just a random lucky break which only happened because I stuck to what I believed, and I also put faith in my friends who kept encouraging me to try.

So, yeah. It's not comforting to be told that a lot of this is down to luck. But that is why we encourage you to be yourself, trust yourself, and maybe hopefully you can put a bit of faith in our experiences as well. Our experiences are just as real as yours, which is why we don't think you need to do anything drastic to change people's opinions of you. Develop what you think you personally need, and you will over time find people who agree.

But in the meantime while it's difficult, we are here to support you.

James

[Azzdog]

Hi James,

I know you said something about advice you had given that I had rejected. I actually don’t remember it so I don’t mean to go against what you are saying. I’ve just been overwhelmed for the last few weeks that I’m just trying to live day to day, and as we all know that’s pretty exhausting.

It does cause a lot of raw pain but I would like to add that any rejection is painful. It’s happened so often that you wonder if it will ever change and get better. I don’t ever plan on changing and becoming a jerk or anything. I’m trying to make changes at the moment. But it’s hard when you get constantly rejected all the time.

Ill admit that it’s not comforting to know it’s down to luck because my luck is terrible. I’ve missed out on a lot in life and I’m pretty sure I’ll miss out in this as well

Sorry I’m very depressed today

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

That's okay. You don't need to apologise to us for feeling particularly depressed today. I understand how hard it can be, and then the real downs that can come as well.

When you say, "It’s happened so often that you wonder if it will ever change and get better," I totally understand. It is why I'm here, talking to you and listening to your story, then sharing my own. I have also felt like nothing is going to change, and just completely hopeless, so I know that when life sucks, it's often best to just say it sucks.

But just the same, I'm also here to share that when you are doing everything you can - talking to us, asking questions of what you need to do - you're giving yourself the best chance to turn things around when the opportunity does arise.

I actually found that, when I was dating, what really got my spirits up in a lasting way wasn't getting a match or having a decent date. Instead, it was having my real friends console me when a date went badly, and also talking to the community here. It took me a while to really learn how to look beyond the rejections and appreciate what I already had.

Hope your day gets a bit better.

James

[Azzdog]

I do appreciate what I have. I don't take anything I have for granted. I'm lucky to have the things I have and to have a supportive family. I like the fact that I go against the grain and do things my way whether it be hobbies, musical tastes, or what my idea of fun is. I like the fact that I have a mind that is always on the search for something that goes beyond how modern society wants us to think. I have morals, values, and integrity that I am firm on and fully believe in.

So why am I rejected so often? Is it something I'm doing wrong? There are guys on Tinder and the like who get plenty of matches so what is so ugly about me?

THIS LIFE IS SO HARD.

I AM NOTHING.

[Azzdog]

I do plan to kill myself soon so I won't be a burden anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Azzdog,

Your most recent post has us a little concerned for your welfare. Our Support Service will be reaching out via email shortly, hoping to speak with you. If you'd like to reach out directly, our Support Service can be reached on 1300 22 4636 (24/7). You can also reach out to our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000 or attend your local emergency room for assistance.

This is a safe space, so keep reaching out and letting us know how you're going when you feel able to.

[blondguy]

Hey Azz

We have spoken before Azz.....whats on your mind? I see you have 258 posts on your thread (Good on You!)

Sophie_M has the care factor happening in her post above..

Do you want to talk?...We dont have an IM function....but that doesnt stop me for looking out for you

The people on the Beyond Blue Support line are super kind....1300 22 4636 as well as the gentle people at lifeline on 13 11 14

You are welcome if you wish Azz...You Rock

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Azzdog]

I want to know why women keep rejecting me. If everyone says I have the confidence in my beliefs, values and integrity; I have hobbies and interests; I have a clear direction as to where I want to go in life; I, according to others not me, have good looks, tall, and are intelligent.

Yet I'm constantly rejected by women for men who can't think and have no direction and are lazy and offer nothing to society. They can't be bothered doing any work or lifting a finger to help anyone else yet women line up for these pathetic men.

I can't work it out which is why I want to die. I'm sick of everyone else getting the opportunity to be loved and to give love.

I'M SICK OF IT.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT.