Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I still feel though that in this day and age, attractiveness is the main thing that defines you as a person. We are forced fed his images from tv shows, music, movies, and real life and if you don’t have a relationship, you are doing something wrong. There must be something seriously wrong with you. Who cares if you have well defined values and beliefs and that. As long as you look good then go for your life you’ll do fine. Attractiveness makes you a better person in this society and, unfortunately, that is objective. I’m an old soul and have crippling mental health problems that make me appear awkward and weird. That’s not attractive is it? So how do I build that up so I can look more attractive and confident? Because I’m doing everything I possibly can but men with no hobbies and interests and are no deep thinkers on this world are doing better than me. Go figure.

Im sorry but as there have been so many messages I honestly cannot remember what you said. I didn’t mean to make you feel sad but I honestly don’t remember you suggesting something so I am sorry.

I am trying to work on challenging my ability to push through tricky times. I am trying to develop more social skills. I am trying to get a career. I am doing a lot of developmental skills because there is a chance I have autism and that makes you seem VERY UNATTRACTIVE to women. Nobody wants to date a messed up autistic boy now don’t they? Even if he’ll never cheat on you, treat you with respect, be honest and loyal, has a good sense of humour (I’m not showing it now I know), has a broad of range of interests, and thinks deeply about the world. According to the women of today that kind of man is passé. Out of date and boring and lacking imagination.

This is where I’m at. Tinder and Bumble are useless. I get nothing out of them. Eharmony is ridiculously expensive and you only get anything out of it if the other person pays for it. I have a personality that takes a while to get accustomed to. Are you all saying that I’m doomed to die alone just because I lack confidence because of being unfairly treated to by women all this time? That’s not my fault but yet I’m being punished for it and I’m wondering how you all think I’m going to get that confidence back. Even though, apparently, I have a very well defined sense of self and who I am. Can you all see the freaking predicament now??

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

I'm not quite sure what to say to be honest. My gut reaction is to back away because I feel very uncomfortable and anxious. But I'm concerned that will make you feel worse. You mentioned constant rejection and I do acknowledge that.

What have you put in place to keep yourself safe until your appointment Monday?

I apologise for upsetting you. Please try to keep in mind I am just another person with a mental illness. If something I write distresses you please report it ok.

Right. Where to even start? Hamsolo mentioned he sees you as confident. I do too. You're speaking up for yourself. Arguing. Having an opinion.

What you see as confident is not what I see or what I was trying to describe.

Why am I married if it is not my husband's job to make me feel worthwhile? That I can answer even if I don't want to.

I will never give any person the right to control how I feel about myself ever again. The ever again is key.

Even my husband. He knew this when he married me.

I married because we love eachother and he is the one I want to spend my life with. I feel this even on the crap days when we argue or the days I drive him up the wall demanding my own choices. But I am still an individual and need freedoms too.

When I speak of confidence I mean the process of learning to own who I am faults and all and decide I am as worthy a human being as anyone else. Does it mean I like myself or how I look or act? Hell no.

To me confidence means knowing your values and not giving anyone else the right to change you. It is about accepting that there is good in you as well as the bad. And that it is your choice how you feel and act.

You have expressed so much distress which was difficult to read and to have caused. Your reply I find equally distressing. The way I see confidence is what keeps me alive. So I can't agree with you even to make you feel better.

I am arrogant. I have to be and I don't see that as a bad thing anymore because it protects me. Self confidence is not something that comes naturally. So I set my boundaries and limits. Stand my ground. I'm not a pleasant person at times but I'd rather be like I am now and alive to see my children grow than the alternative.

I am very sorry that you feel I don't treat you with kindness or respect.

There's no point me being a volunteer if I'm causing harm so if feedback to BB is needed I am supportive of this. The email is modsupport@beyondblue.org.au

I'm glad you are talking it through. Please be safe.

Nat

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

The way you describe yourself near the end there is almost exactly how I would describe myself. I can appear to be pretty arrogant on certain issues, such as the fall of quality in modern music for example. I have strong views on social customs such as alcohol as well, I don't necessarily see the point of it to be honest. I have strong views on a lot of things and that has been developed over the years after I used to be too much of a people pleaser. I would focus on what I thought others wanted me to be rather than what I really like. It caused me a lot of distress.

So all these things: having a well developed sense of self, having strong values, having a good range of interests and hobbies, having a plan for what I want to be in the future etc. If these things are what you define as confidence then I'm glad to hear that. I always thought confidence was just saying whatever you wanted and damn the consequences. But I guess this highlights something I've always felt about confidence, its too overvalued and we often misinterpret cockiness and arrogance for it. Which is why it frustrates me when I see undeserving men who treat others like crap get girlfriends. It does my head in and it makes me feel hopeless for the future. Do I have to become a jerk just so women will like me? It feels like a more serious question than it looks.

I guess I do what to point out something that I think is worth noting. I know you say that it is not partners responsibility to make you feel worthwhile. I am going to still challenge that because on some level, he does make you feel worthwhile. You wouldn't be with him if he didn't. It's the reason why we have the friends we do, that make us feel happy, respected, loved, and valued. It is something a lot of people take for granted and it is something I've never really had. My sense of who I am has been solely down to my own research and being proactive. I self-identify as a punk, not just because of the music, but because of the political, economic, and social values it espouses. I'm also a straight edge as I don't believe doing vast amounts of drugs and alcohol is that cool to be honest. It's a bit sad actually because you are just doing yourself harm down the line.

[Azzdog]

My point is is that I feel that, despite everything I've said, I never really get the chance to express that to women. Even on dating sites where you have bios. I've seen guys you have no bios get plenty of likes and that makes me incredibly angry. How do you know they are even the kind of person you want in your life? I have the same needs as other people who are married too and I feel like I have a lot of love to give. I just want the opportunity to show that. Is that really too much to ask for?

Quercus, I am not going to report you. What I am trying to do is to be a voice for people out there who are single and it is seriously affecting their mental health. We live in a society where being in a relationship is constantly shoved down our throats and it is impossible to avoid. How do we best support those people so that they know they are not pathetic and they do have self-worth?

I also want people to understand that there are certain things you can say which can come across as condescending to single people. Dating, in this day and age, being an old soul and having crippling mental health problems means that it is going to be extremely hard for me to ever find someone. If I ever hear someone say to me again "there are plenty more fish in the sea", I will lose my freaking mind.

I am doing the best I can to get to my appointment on Monday but I am struggling.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Hope your weekend is going ok.

You mentioned (again) how men who treat others like crap get girlfriends.

Can you give me an example? Maybe a recent example?

For example, I had my eyes checked last weekend. And then had to pick out new frames. The salesman made statements that I would disagree with. But I still selected new glasses. And he is probably in a relationship.

But what I don't know is anything about his background, values etc. It could have been his way of making a joke.

While I would not entirely disagree with your statement, i have problems agreeing with it also. It comes down to how we perceive the other? I am talking about myself here.

Still listening to you.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

A recent example would be someone I know who has constantly lied to his girlfriend about taking prescription medication. He has been abusing it for sometime now and every time he promises her he is going to come back off them, he secretly gets a prescription for them. He the blames it on her and says its her fault that he has to secretly get prescriptions for it. His health professionals are worried for him and yet he doesn't take ownership for it. It's having a significant effect on her and yet he doesn't care.

Another example is a guy I used to go to school with. I also played football with him and he was the team captain. Rather than being a supportive captain he would treat anyone who he considered beneath him like absolute garbage. He once sent two of them home crying because of how rude he was. He even had a go at me and said "I think we need a better ruckman" even though I was undersized and doing the best I can. This was also before I had a backbone. He does this all the time and yet women line up for him. Why? Why? Why? Why? This is why confidence is such an overvalued trait. He is not a good person and yet women think he is God's gift for them on this planet.

It does my freaking head in I swear.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron

I can see you are making a distinction between arrogance/cockiness and being a genuine human. That is good to hear.

Sounds like a lot of the resentment and anger you hold towards people who show arrogance and therefore get ahead in life is still on your mind. That's understandable.

I guess the serious answer to your question is no. You don't have to become a jerk to get women to like you. IF you did do that, then they wouldn't like you - they'd like some other dope who was arrogant twit - not you in other words.

It does sound like you think you aren't good enough as you are. I get hints of hope when you start talking about your passions and such because THAT is the type of thing that people like to see and hear in others. Well, perhaps people worth knowing and becoming friends with anyway.

I'm a big believer in being an individual. That is the sort of thing that has to be done and it's also the only thing that can help any of us get better.

Who honestly gives a toss what society and everyone else thinks? Be your own man.

"We live in a society where being in a relationship is constantly shoved down our throats and it is impossible to avoid."

Well how do we live in spite of this reality? I accept it for what it is. That's all. I don't really care what society thinks. I get a sense of this in what you say when you say the things you do and that's a positive. Keep that up, and channel the anger into something that can be used to improve your own health and welfare.

Forget the world and it's woes my friend. Focus solely on improving yourself and your mental health. Screw the rest of them I say. You don't have to answer to anyone.

I think Nat has hit the nail on the head with this:

"When I speak of confidence I mean the process of learning to own who I am faults and all and decide I am as worthy a human being as anyone else. Does it mean I like myself or how I look or act? Hell no.
To me confidence means knowing your values and not giving anyone else the right to change you. It is about accepting that there is good in you as well as the bad. And that it is your choice how you feel and act."

Don't worry about what everyone else is going on about, what's on TV etc. You gotta do what is right by you and no one else.

Do you think you could explain why the relationships thing is still bugging you? Other than the fact its is societal pressure, I'm wondering if you can pin it down to something for you personally?

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

I'm glad you felt some form of relief by me clarifying what I see confidence as.

I wonder what you make of the two thoughts that came to mind reading your replies....

1. You mention often feeling distress about widespread issues such as music standards. Have you thought about whether you are overloading yourself with things out of your control? Setting yourself up to fail?

An example. I adore Jon Bellion. Every single member of the forums could tell me they think he's crap and suggest a different artist to listen to. But it would make no difference. I might listen to a few suggested artists. Then I'd put on Jon and bliss out. Noone but me can choose what makes me feel good.

So rather than feeling hopeless about the world... Focus just on YOU. have you considered Tim's suggestion of going to see some local Punk groups? Find others who share your passion. You can't change how others feel about music. But you CAN choose to seek out people who enjoy punk like you do.

What do you think?

2. Again with the difference of opinion re self worth and partners. I had a thought about what I'm trying to explain and wondered if you might share what you think?

I picture my feelings of "my basic worthiness as a human being" as me swimming. I have to learn to keep afloat and I have to put effort into myself to keep swimming.

My partner keeps me company, swims beside me, teaches me better techniques and encourages me to keep trying.

When there are times my resolve fails and I sink he props me up until I can catch my breath and begin to swim again. He encourages me to keep trying. Keeps me safe when I can't.

But I have to swim for myself. If I relied on him to swim for me he could support me for a time but eventually he would get exhausted.

Eventually he would have to let me go or we would both drown.

That is what I see.

Yes you're right a partner does give support and encouragement and validation. But long term I think we need to learn how to do this for ourselves and they "spot" for us to keep us safe.

Only one more day and then Monday and your psych visit. I hope you can keep safe and focus on things that make you feel good.

Mitch makes the most valid point. Forget protecting the world. Your priority is to look after yourself.

What sort of things run locally on Sundays? Is there anything you can think of you might be able to enjoy?

Nat

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I guess there are a few reasons as to why it is such a big deal to me.

The first reason is that I believe I have a lot of love to give. I don't know if I would be a romantic person but I would like to think that I could potentially be that.

The second reason is that I am, as you can probably all tell, a very emotional person. I like intimacy and really getting to know someone on an emotional point of view. I have had intimate conversations with women before and they were really lovely. You learn so much about them and yourself in the process. It invigorates the soul and uplifts the spirit.

The third reason is simple. I have dreams of being a dad.

These are the three main reasons why being in a relationship would mean a lot to me. I don't believe it will fix me. I am not naive enough to think that. But it will certainly challenge all the preconceived notions I have about the way I look and my personality.

On you (and Nat's) point on being an individual. I totally get it and I made a conscious decision years ago to not diminish my interests and values just to get people to like me. I don't bend to anyone and I have a pretty well defined value system. My beliefs and hobbies are my own. It has taken me years to develop them but I have and I don't let anyone make that decision for me. If that's confidence, then I am happy to call myself confidence.

I don't subscribe to trends and fads just because their in fashion. I only subscribe to things if I think there is something intrinsically valuable in it and if it has an air of authenticity. That's why I'm not into contemporary society because there is nothing of value, as far as I can see, in it. It's just vain, vapid nonsense.

I know I have faults. I am working hard on them to rectify them and to improve on them. I am flawed. We all are. I wouldn't be looking for continuous self-improvement if I didn't think that. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself on placement for example. There are things I need to get better at.

I'm still at a loss for working out what needs to be done to change women's perceptions of me. That's where I get stuck.

[Azzdog]

Hey Nat,

I have considered Tim's suggestion of going to going to some local punk groups. I tried to go to one but I had an anxiety attack on the way there and unfortunately couldn't go. I did some googling on the internet and I couldn't find much online. Maybe I'm not searching properly but I did try and I didn't find much.

My stand on music is pretty rigid. I have learnt to express my musical tastes and not be ashamed of them anymore. People can say that bands like The Who are old, for example, but my answer is that "good music is timeless". There is a reason why bands like that are still in the public conscious, they stand the test of time.

I think your analogy on a partners role is perfect. That's exactly how I view it as well. I would expand on it and say that is the role of a friend as well. They are there for support and they give you that validation, but it is up to you to do the heavy lifting. I'm glad we have arrived at the same page because that is something I've ALWAYS believed about relationships/friendships.

I knew a guy at school who was the most clingy boyfriend you have ever seen. He would never let her have any space to do anything for herself. This was back when I was about 15/16 and even then I knew that was the wrong way of going about it. I had (and still haven't) been in a relationship but the key to a successful one is to know when to give each other space and let them still be individuals.

Unfortunately I have too much to do today to go out in my local community to do stuff but I will be doing some serious reflection this week about what needs to be done in the future. Such as joining groups and giving things a try. I have to get through this last week of placement first.