Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[HamSolo01]

You haven't put words in my mouth at all haha. Yes, agreed on that point.

"For us I guess we are fed with what its like to be in a relationship is from the media." I think the reality and then what we see in mass media are VERY different things.

Out of interest, what do you do for work? could you possibly move around in your current capacity to change up the dynamic? Either way, I know what you mean when you say that. I hope you're alright though. Take care of yourself and remind yourself you are doing everything you can.

Interesting question, "There isn't anything out there for people to access support in regards to poor body image and sexual health." I do know of Butterfly Foundation but that's geared more so towards eating I think. Not 100% on that one. Specifically in relation to sexual health and body image? No idea. My guess is as good as yours. I think a lot of the foundational attitude towards this sort of thing assumes quite a fair bit - specifically that sex is readily available. The democratisation of sex (be it with dating apps in particular) carries with it a core assumption - that anyone and everyone has had sex by the time they hit 25. In fact the opposite is true, I think it's actually skewed the dating market/pool/area in favour of people who were already good at dating. Basing social interaction on a swipe right or left seems rather macabre. Maybe that's carried through into psychological literature and health?

I've actually started to read a bit more about this stuff. It seems like a lot of the research is geared towards those who already have sex regularly, and the effects of mental ill health on sex. I'd be interested in finding out if research/findings have been undertaken in relation to people in our situation. But again, maybe the real solution lies in the individual's ability to not only access dating regularly, but also develop themselves and become competent. Just airing ideas here, not really too sure. The obvious one to me however, is social anxiety. That is the obvious marker in terms of limiting chances.

I'd be super interested to see what you have say about your time with Orygen when you talk to them about this stuff. That is if you wish to share it of course. Your call totally on that one.

[smallwolf]

Aaron,

In that case I am early!

Sorry to read you are having a bad day. Can I ask what sort of work you do where you cannot avoid the radio etc.

I also have one other question you might be able to answer... You indicated that you need to be loved. Rather than using a word like want or desire. Could you please elaborate on why it is a need?

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey aaron

Hope your day is good today.

After chatting with you about this stuff I've been thinking, how do you sustitute/stave off feelings of desire and wanting to have a gf?

Probably an oldly phrased question. But I think I'm trying to describe a raw feeling and emotion. I'm not too sure if I can describe it that well anyway.

But lately I been thinking about it. Especially after I had two dates earlier last month. It was through tinder. Both haven't gone anywhere and I wanted to share that experience with you to tell you that it's hard work regardless. I knew going into them that it wouldn't probably work - it's a shallow app tbh. I think I just wanted the dating experience if that makes sense? To get a better sense of myself in that sort of situation. Because remember Im a reformed high school loser lol.

If I'm perfectly honest I was trying to hook up through it. But open minded enough to other things too. But again it was me trying to understand myself in the dating context.

Having said all of that. I think the point of my post was to just ask you how you cope with the feelings of desire. If that makes sense?

I honestly think a "detox of crap" is in order.

Humans are complex haha

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Sorry for the late reply, today hasn't been a great day unfortunately. It always feels this way when its around my birthday which is tomorrow. I would have though I would have solved the girlfriend situation by now, especially since I turn 24 tomorrow. I feel very old, if that makes sense.

I am in the process of trying to change my work. The tutoring thing was actually a part of that. The job I do makes me feel very isolated.

I have contacted the Butterfly Foundation and Eating Disorders Victoria and both organisations don't have anything that specifically that relates to body image and sexual health. I feel like the only way you can participate in those groups is to have an eating disorder. I don't but I don't feel like I should be excluded from having more support. This is what I want to posit to Orygen on Monday. I hope they can see my point. I think dating apps and the media puts forward this idea that having a relationship or sex is readily available. The truth is its not. But how many young people feel reassured that they're not the only one going through this? This gap of the support in the public health system needs to be filled.

I may share some of that stuff when I go into Orygen on Monday if that's okay? You have made some good stuff that you have shared. I think its because not a lot of people like to share this kind of stuff. We need to change the narrative.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

My work play the radio over the loud speakers in the warehouse which makes listening to the radio unavoidable. If there is a song that triggers me then the only thing I can do is go to the bathroom just to calm down for a few minutes. I can't do that all the time because then the team manager will ask questions.

I would say it is a need because it is a part of our nature. We are a social animal that needs to be a part of a community to survive. Finding someone to love and care for us was integral for our survival. I hope that makes more sense.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Before all this got really bad I used to focus on getting myself healthy and studying like crazy. I found that was a really good distraction in order to stave off the feelings. It is really hard at the moment considering I turn 24 tomorrow and I still haven't had a girlfriend yet. It makes me incredibly sad at the moment.

I wouldn't worry too much about the those Tinder dates going south. I have been on a couple and I just knew that it wasn't going to work about 10-15 minutes in. It is a shallow app that doesn't focus too much on personality and someone's intrinsic quality. This is something I am going to talk about on Monday as well.

These days I don't cope with the feelings of having a girlfriend very well any more. If I see people in relationships it makes me feel very suicidal. I am working on myself at the moment but I am getting very slowly. Tomorrow will be a tough day I think.

[blondguy]

Hey Aaron

Happy 24th Birthday to YOU!

Have a great day 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Azzdog]

Hey Paul,

Than you very much! I appreciate it a lot!

Regards,

Aaron

[HamSolo01]

Firstly, happy birthday buddy! Hope you enjoy it. Don't even worry about that other stuff. You are here and you are alive. That's worth celebrating, especially because of the stuff you've been through.

Very good point: "But how many young people feel reassured that they're not the only one going through this? This gap of the support in the public health system needs to be filled." Imagine an "It's okay to be a virgin day" haha. A bit like "RUOK Day"

This bit got me thinking: "If I see people in relationships it makes me feel very suicidal. I am working on myself at the moment but I am getting very slowly." I used to be like this. I actually found seeing close friends in relationships could be off putting. Until very recently when a friend of mine ended one he was in (his second) and he was relieved. He said it was becoming too intense. Apparently the girl he was seeing changed entirely. I guess that's just life right? The whole thing I learned is that you gotta be neutral on it. If people are in relationships, that's okay for them. No big deal. I think it's hard to divorce yourself from it when you see it, but it CAN be done. I see people in relationships all the time and instead of feeling suicidal like I used to, I know feel better about myself. I see them as they are and they are happy which is great - more happiness on planet earth is good. For me? I'm figuring out "my stuff". It bares no significance on me personally.

I remember a girlfriend of a friend of mine (Whom im no longer hanging out with as he is a manipulative type of person) telling me that she was shocked I hadn't even lost my virginity. At the time I was a bit upset, but I actually handled it okay. Now? I simply don't care. I just crave more meaningful pursuits. IF people make fun of me, or harrass me for that... their problem not mine right? I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. Resent and anger are powerful forces so always steer clear of them - I'd dare say that people that diss you for being a virgin have a bit of resentment too - because you choose to focus on developing yourself - maybe something they've never entertained. Maturity is also part of this and I've been forced to grow up quicker.

Again, humans are complex creatures haha. Just keep divorcing yourself from the crap my friend. Replace it with meaning and purpose.

May your birthday be a refreshing one!

[Azzdog]

Hey man, thank you! It was a good day actually. I enjoyed myself which is more than I can say for most of the birthdays I've had in the past.

I guess we could simplify it and call the day "It's Okay to be Single" day. It sounds a bit silly but once we get the word out over how it is to be single, maybe people will come round to the idea haha.

That's a good attitude to have. I like it. Two people in a relationship should have no bearing on you at all. I guess my problem at the moment is when people say they cannot believe I have never been in one. At first I used to think I was doing something wrong, that somehow something about my personality was often putting and that was the reason why it wasn't happening. I am now starting to think that it is to do with something else. It is something that I was talking about earlier in that I believe that people, as a society, we take it for granted. We are slammed with images across all media platforms about being in a relationship so it gives off this idea that its something that just happens. It doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of effort. That's why I am scared to death that it won't happen for me. I am not the most outgoing person when you first meet me. If you want to get to know me you are going to have to put in a bit of effort to bring me out of my shell. I think I am getting better at being more outgoing and trying to chat more to others, but it is taxing on the mind and I don't always have the energy to be social which can give off vibes that I am a snob.

I have never had anyone make fun of me for being a virgin (then again I don't go into Melbourne Central shouting at the top of my lungs saying I am a virgin). The most common reaction is astonishment. Some can't believe that I've never been in a relationship. But that is a good point about people reacting negatively to someone being a virgin, working on yourself is an important thing to do. The music I like was down to me answering the question "what is it about music that empowers me so?" Punk rock inspired me because it is about self-empowerment, equality, fighting for civil rights, breaking down class barriers, being honest and respectful etc. These are values that I hold dear to me and it was amazing to discover this in punk rock. It is the primary reason why The Clash are my favourite band. Because of their genre-bending music and their lyrical content. I never would have found these bands if it wasn't me working on myself.

More to come