Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Hop Along Dools! I like your sense of humour 😂

I am really sorry to hear what has happened to you. It sounds absolutely awful and really painful as well. I hope you are doing the best you can to get by day to day, as rough as that is to do.

I would like to share it with you all but the problem is I would have to share my full name here in order to access it on SoundCloud. I'm not sure I can do that but I'll see if I can change my username on SoundCloud and I'll let you know!

I did a bit of study today, I am seeing a friend tomorrow and I have a therapy appointment with family as well. My birthday is on Saturday as well so it will be a busy week actually 😬 Not looking forward to it personally but it is what it is.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Yeah I don't think dating apps are catch all systems. They only work for a certain kind of person and I guess us two are the unfortunate ones where we have a particular set of values that doesn't seem to be appreciated on them. I'm not on them at the moment. I think they just promote false promises.

I think the problem is that people assume that all is well underneath. Some people have no idea of how much self-loathing I carry with me day to day. In fact things have been so intense of late I am living day to day at the moment. It has been so damn intense and you just get so exhausted by the end of the day. I hate it when people say "its a state of mind". It seems so easy from an outsiders perspective, but having deliberating mental conditions that affect social interactions is an incredibly hard thing to deal with in a socially connected world.

I guess appearances can be deceiving, but I think I should be honest. I have always found people who are willing to admit they don't really know themselves yet or haven't figured things out yet to be more attractive and more personable than ones who think otherwise. There is something quite humble, and vulnerable, about acknowledging that you are still yet to know where you fit into this world. That's why those bad guys really frustrate me. I went to school with a lot of them and I never saw the big deal in these guys. They might be outgoing but they carry on like the world owes them something and they think they have things all figured out. No one really has things figured out early on in their lives and I think it tells you all you need to know about someones personality.

[Azzdog]

That's the plan I'm working on at the moment. When I'm in the car I put my own music on and never listen to the radio. I can't avoid that at work because they always put the trashy radio stations on which is impossible to avoid. I am working on myself this week to get back into study, play some more music, with the aim of going to the boardgames group on Monday next week. I also have my appointment with the Orygen team leaders that day about improving the understanding over body image and sexual health so I will update all with how that goes.

Haha the tutoring. I haven't heard back from them yet. I did email them to let them know I'm keen as mustard to get cracking and they replied but no clients yet. I may send another one pretty soon actually.

I am so happy that you are out there promoting men's health dude. That's absolutely fantastic! We need more males to do that and I am really passionate about doing something similar. The more men speak out about their mental health battles, the more young men will have the courage to seek help. We deserve to have support through, possibly, the worst parts of our lives and we are trying to do our bit. I need to work harder to catch up to you though!

I am moving forward. Slowly, but surely I'll get there. I have never given up and I don't plan to. This won't beat me.

I've seen that show! It was quite funny sometimes as to what the women would say sometimes, but I thought it is one of those shows that only works in an Asian culture. It couldn't possibly work here, we don't have the goofy sense of humour necessary to make it appealing. Then again, it probably will do well. It will annoy me if it does. You are so right. There is a double standard when it comes to objectifying men as opposed to objectifying women. There is a prevailing sense in society that men can take it well which is absolutely not true for all.

I do watch comedy shows! The classic British comedy shows like Monty Python and Blackadder. Those match my sense of humour haha

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I think those summations are a good summary. I certainly am working on communication skills and working on my self-confidence. I guess it depends on what topic we are talking about. If its gardening, I have no clue, but if its history, then I can be really confident because its my area and I know my stuff.

One point of contention is the third point you made. I don't see how that would come up on a date. I would also like to clarify that, as I am in a good mood at the moment, I don't think that of all women and I certainly don't think all men are not ambitious. I am just thinking of specific cases in my life where I couldn't, for the life of me, understand what was attractive about that guy. There was nothing appealing about him, and I should know I played footy with him for ten years, and he was always callous and rude to people and treated his teammates like crap. He was the captain btw and he only got that role because his dad was friends with the coach. I don't like those kinds of guys getting rewarded for bad behaviour. I guess that's what I have been trying to say.

I think you friend has a very low bar on what constitutes a personality if I am to be really honest. No one likes being yelled at and having a temper as your defining trait for your personality is pretty sad actually.

I hope so dude. I really do. Sometimes I'm optimistic and other times I'm not. You've just caught me in a reasonably good mood at the moment.

[Azzdog]

Hey Lee,

I'm glad someone agrees with me. It gets harder and harder so what do we do about that? I have some answers to that but its going to take someone in a medical role at Orygen to agree with me. I feel like the conversations I've had here and at other places too is that my idea of a group for people like us would go down well.

I will update. I hope something comes of it next Monday

[smallwolf]

Azzdog - Just a quick comment here. You said "I can't really come up with lyrics that sum up my mood on something inside three minutes or so haha. I have been trying to channel my anger into music which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't."

Are you saying that you would have to write longer songs? Do you feel constrained to write songs to that length? Bands like Iron Maiden, Metallica, Agalloch, and Insomnium have written much longer songs varying from 13 min to the 44 min which take the listener on a journey or pain, misery, drama etc.

As for "albums" you hear from bands, they might have 100s of ideas which get narrowed down into 8-12 songs for an album. Bad ideas get discarded. Good ideas are kept.

I cannot remember exactly what Steve Vai said, but there is a video on youtube where he carries something around with him so that if he had a idea he can write it down.

Do you listen to the radio much? At all? I don't, unless it is ABC radio. The main reason for is that "my" music is not played on mainstream radio stations. So there are internet radio stations, youtube, or own CDs that I can listen to.

Ride the good mood while it stays. Wishing you all the best,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

I'm actually beginning to write songs that exceed the 4-5 minute mark consistently now. The thing is, my main inspiration for writing songs has been punk music which sometimes barely exceeds the 2 minute mark. I do feel my songwriting has improved in the last year to the point where I am writing more complicated chord progressions. I still don't feel ready to write lyrics as of yet due to my inability to sing properly haha. But I am getting a lot better. I find Spotify to be a great way to listen to the music I want to listen to. If I like it a lot, I will buy the CD. Thanks man I hope it stays for a while.

Aaron

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

Thanks for replying to me.

In terms of how the third point could come up in a date setting, it is very easy to be misinterpreted. To give you an example, the sentence you said, "I don't like those kinds of guys getting rewarded for bad behaviour,"could be misinterpreted by someone who doesn't know you. They may think of you as someone who stereotypes, and that might make them defensive and cautious in case they also display bad behaviour. I don't mean to say that this definitely happens on your dates and most likely you don't say these things at all. But at least on the forums here, I hope it is safe enough for us to talk honestly about how we can accidentally make someone uncomfortable without even knowing it.

I disagree with your comment about my friend.

As the other poster supportiveother mentioned, how does one bad personality trait mean that her ex was not worthy of love? Also, why must we make a judgement that my friend has a low bar? What you find attractive is not a high bar or even the right bar - it is just a different set of preferences.

I think the more we can learn about the differences in people, and to accept these, the more happy we can be.

You know what used to drive me nuts when I was trying online dating? I could never, ever, work out what women wanted. Even for basic things like paying the bill - some find it offensive for me to offer, some kind of liked me offering even if they would still pay half, others just outright thought the man should pay. And that's just a basic who pays the bill thing, let alone anything more complex than that. It drove me nuts until eventually I gave up trying to work it out.

You do you. People here are talking to you and your friends are talking to you because they like something. I like your honesty. Trying to find out why people haven't dated you so far is just a wild goose chase - there is no real reason for it other than they didn't think it would work out. If you do you, and you work on what you think you need to work on, you're setting yourself up well.

p.s. i saw that you love Black Adder. Have you watched black books as well? I love dylan moran.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi Aaron,

Thanks for your lovely reply and "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" for Saturday. You mentioned you are not really looking forward to your Birthday, can you find ways to make the day more enjoyable and acceptable to yourself? I do hope you have an enjoyable day!

All the best with the family therapy session and your study.

I understand about your music situation, confidentiality is very important here. I will read back to learn more about the style of music that you enjoy. I admire people who can play music, that is not one of my talents. I do enjoy listening to a variety of music styles.

Last night I propped my leg up on a sloping pile of pillows and that seems to help reduce the pain.

Now I need to find a horse and cart for transport! A gopher might be the go only it would need to be a 4 wheel drive version to cope with the terrible roads and footpaths in our town. Ha. Ha. Don't know that I would like to be on a gopher sharing the road with the B-double and Triple trucks either! It might be a little too exciting!

All the best for your Birthday Aaron! Cheers

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

I guess I'm just using this forums to express frustration over what I've observed throughout my life. I don't want people to think I stereotype a lot, in fact I am quite openminded when it comes to different kinds of people in my life. I am just talking about a very specific kind of person, ones who I went to school with and played football with. Trust me, it's not in my nature to do something like that but there is a very specific kind of person that I am thinking of that always seems to be rude to everyone and yet, somehow people seem to like them. I hope you can understand.

I guess that's why we have to respectfully agree to disagree when it comes to your friend. No one should be subjected to being yelled at all the time and I don't see how having a temper like that makes someone attractive. Maybe you're right its just a preference but it seems like she could do better than that. Maybe there's more to it that I'm missing so forgive me if I come off a bit ignorant.

That's exactly what drives me nuts too! I guess for me it stems from the fact that there are so many people that have said to me they can't believe I've never had a girlfriend. I feel like I'm doing something wrong or I just can't work out what women want. That's what makes me angry and frustrated. I was talking to a friend today and she said the same thing. She can't believe what it could be that's prevented it from happening.

That's what I'm trying to do now, just work on me for now. It's tricky but I am planning to go to a boardgame meet up on Monday, the weekend after my birthday. I'm also doing a lot for my birthday by hanging out with friends and the like. So, I want to make it enjoyable because my birthday is never that much fun.

I have heard of Dylan Moran and I think I've heard of black books. I should check it out what's it like?