Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[james1]

Hello Azzdog,

It sounds like there are a lot of triggers for you that bring up a lot of insecurity, anger and sadness. It sounds like it's all very overwhelming at times and from my own experiences, I can understand how those feelings can really spiral out of control from a seemingly innocuous thing like a tv show.

You asked in your first post whether there are any groups for you. The answer is that yes there are quite a lot of groups. I used to go on a website called MeetUp and would go to social anxiety groups. Have you ever heard of MeetUp?

Croix has said something really important about letting your feelings spill over onto social interactions, and it's great that you've responded so well to that by referring to your therapy. That really helps us to know what kinds of things you are working on or struggling with.

I also have things that spill over onto my social life. I have a very strong fear of abandonment and, at my worst, I have said and done pretty horrible things. It's something that I am slowly getting better at with my psychologist because I know it really hinders my ability to interact with people.

About dating...I don't know. I am going to sound like a hypocrite a bit, but I would like to say I do not think it is a good idea because dating always involves rejection. But I couldn't stick to my own advice either. I was dating even when I was suicidal, and I have no doubt that people could tell there was something off about me. I also do not rate Bumble highly - I think it is better for women, but for men I found all the apps to be more or less the same. It's all a numbers game really, and you just have to hope you're lucky. I ended up using the apps mostly just to talk to people.

[Azzdog]

Hey james1

Yeah the triggers are all around me and when I'm not feeling great it can feel like I'm being attacked from all sides.

I have tried Meetup and gone to some of the social anxiety groups. I have found that some of them weren't that helpful to be honest. I felt there was too much pressure to make conversation and that's harder when you are in a social anxiety group. I am working with my psychologist to find groups that have a specific theme, such as a board game group, that takes that pressure away where the focus is on something else.

I also have a strong fear of abandonment. I also hate being rejected, by anyone. I'm glad to hear that you are finding it easy to cope with it. I think I am too. However, I still find it hard to sit with the feelings because they can just come out of nowhere and all of a sudden you are spiralling away into the abyss below.

I kinda agree with you. I think dating is not necessarily a good idea for me but I guess the rejection is something I need to get used to. It can happen and having a girlfriend is something all my friends have and it makes me feel pathetic and inferior to be around them. Yeah Bumble is just better for women and I think there are no dating sites that help it make it easier for men. I struggle to see how I can find a girlfriend, considering how twisted I am inside. I know some people will say that you need to love yourself before you can love others, I've always found that saying to be a catch-22 for me. I don't think people love me and therefore I don't love myself. Because I don't love myself, I can't love other people and therefore people can't love me. But they already didn't love me in the first place. If I stop looking for it I know it won't happen.

[james1]

Hello Azzdog,

I actually went to a board games group too! I thought it was kind of fun and absolutely does take away that pressure to make conversation. The one I found particularly good was my writing group - we hung around afterwards to talk about our writing, and it was really nice to connect with people on something I was actually passionate about (as opposed to board games which were just fun). Perhaps you could find one related to music?

Yeah I never did agree with the idea that you have to love yourself first. Perhaps it's something that others can achieve, but I could never get my head around it and still do not. That said, there is something to be said for learning to live with yourself. Acceptance takes a long time. Love takes even longer. But maybe the intermediary step is to at least not hate yourself.

I used to really dislike the core me. Now, I just grudgingly get up and deal with being me. I do not love me, nor do I even think I accept my entire self. But I'm not actively rejecting myself either.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but it was how I got to a "comfort level" that let me move along with your life. Perhaps there is also a level of acceptance that would also make it easier for you to interact with others without having too much pressure to be different to who you are.

[Azzdog]

I have struggled to find a music group that I feel would suit me best. A lot of music groups tend to be centered on going to pubs and clubs and drinking alcohol. Now I know I don't have to drink alcohol but I always feel uncomfortable about being the only one that doesn't. We have a big drinking culture in this country that makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm hoping that the board game group is a step in the right direction. It could give me something to focus on for the time being while my mind ruminates.

I think that's probably the best way of putting it. You need to be able to live with yourself. That is something I could achieve because loving myself is not going to happen for years. At least learning not to hate yourself is an even better way of putting it.

I hope I can get to that point of not actively rejecting myself either. I have been doing that a lot today. Seeing couples actually makes me suicidal and the thoughts of being ugly and unloveable have been circulating a lot today. I still feel a little stuck. It is hard for me to accept myself when I don't know anyone who has similar tastes in music for example. I actually dislike the fact that I like punk music, if that makes sense? I don't know anyone who likes the music I like which makes me feel very isolated and disconnected from people my age.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

I can understand what you are saying here "Now I know I don't have to drink alcohol but I always feel uncomfortable about being the only one that doesn't. We have a big drinking culture in this country that makes me feel uncomfortable". But two people I know that do not drink when they go out are my wife, and a former miner I know - a big, burly man you would not want to get on the wrong side of. Today my psych indicated to me to find strength in the things that make you unique etc.

On feeling isolated on the music you like... If you knew other people that liked the same music as you, would you like it more? Secondly, do you use Facebook? Finally, what are your thoughts on seeing live bands? Oh, do you know of any punk radio shows in Australia? (I am sure they exists out there! I used to listen to a heavy metal shows on the radio in a different life; and it started on Fri night at 11pm!)

Tim

[Azzdog]

I feel like the fact that I don't drink alcohol makes the chances of me socialising or finding things to do a lot smaller. I have been called un-Australian for not drinking alcohol. I mean, there's no real point in drinking alcohol at all. I don't understand this obsession with it. It's like being obsessed with water and getting offended if someone turns down a drink of water. It makes no sense. It may make me unique, it just makes things so much harder and I don't know what to do.

I would, absolutely. But someone people think I'm weird because of my musical tastes. I'm always ashamed to tell people about my musical tastes because I think I'm weird. I do have Facebook. I would like to see live bands but I have no one to go and see them with. Plus, I am hopelessly unfamiliar with the local music scene. I would have no clue where to go. Plus, there are drinking cultures at these places and I don't want to offend people by saying that I would like to preserve my liver, kidneys, and my mental health by not drinking. Everyone I know likes drinking and I have no idea why. We are just indoctrinated to adopt cultural trends mindlessly. I have no idea of punk radio shows. The only radio shows I know of play mainstream pop music (I don't really like mainstream music to put it nicely).

[smallwolf]

I was a teen in the 80s and I liked heavy metal. Still do. Back then, it was thought of as a tool of the devil. People in churches said if you listened to you were going to hell. Yep, I went to church to. Same story for PCs back then. So I know that you can feel like you are on the outer. Fun fact: Back in the 80s there was also a heavy metal mag called Hit Parader which occasionally featured The Ramones.

On going to a bar alone... Firstly, I am going to tell to what to do, or should do etc. I was in town to collect a book I had lost. I took the train. I pass a bar. This was around midday. OK, so there was no music playing. But there were quite a few people drinking alone. I know it is commonly thought that people go with friends, and they do, but many also go alone.

Google can tell you where the find clubs that play punk music or whatever you like. It can also find the radio stations as well.

Lastly, when I moved into the big city in 90s, I took myself to see Motley Crue. I had only been in the city for about a month or two.

I am with you on mainstream music also 🙂

Tim

[Quercus]

Hi again Azzdog,

I've been reading quietly (you've had lots of support which is great to see) but there is a pattern I'm seeing in your posts. I hope it's not offensive to you if I point it out.

I feel like when someone gives you a suggestion you respond with acknowledging and then explaining why it isn't an option. Absolutely ok but it does make me wonder what sort of changes are you ready and willing to make? Are you even in a place you feel comfortable to make some changes?

Tim (smallwolf) has a point about google. We are all different. I can't stand clubs and I don't drink and hate crowds. But that doesn't mean there aren't options for me. I just have to be ready to find and try them.

So my question would be this... Think about a public place you feel safe. For me it would be my local library and the rec center I take my kids to swimming lessons. I am here regularly. I know my way around. I am familiar with some of the faces. This is important because it means a place like this is somewhere I feel safe enough to take a risk (the risk being joining an activity and talking to people). You will only meet friends if you get out there regularly and try. That doesn't mean feeling unsafe.

I met a good friend at my library when very unwell. It was one of the few times I left the house. Every week baby rhyme time with my son. I spoke to other Mums. Eventually this Mum would seek me out and we would sit together. Four years on she is one of my closest friends.

My point is I was very unwell. But I went somewhere I felt safe regularly to be with people. It was awkward and uncomfortable. But if someone had told me to walk into an unfamiliar place and try this I'd have stayed home and been isolated.

So where are you safe? Next time you're there look for events they hold and attend regularly.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have features that others will enjoy just like we all do. It is our own view of ourselves holding us back. Small steps are ok too.

Nat

[Azzdog]

Hey Quercus and smallwolf,

First of all, the idea of using google to find a punk club or radio is a good idea. I will update you all on how I go, I am just finishing my last essay for the semester so I'll do it later today.

I would say Quercus that its pretty funny that you thought of that when, incidentally, I'd had the same thought earlier today about being a little rigid when it comes to others suggestions. So I wasn't offended.

My thoughts on it are that normally people give me the usual stuff on how to manage the thoughts. I feel that I do them a lot for not much reward. Things like distractions and the like. When it comes to that stuff I can be pretty cynical and get upset because I feel like they are not listening to what I am saying. I have tried those things and they are not working.

I'm in a diabolical place right now. It's the weekend. It's when a lot of people (couples and the like) go out and far fun. I have work tomorrow and nothing on Sunday. I feel immensely rejected by women at the moment because I just saw a news piece where a dad had murdered his son. So, a man like that is more attractive than me is he? What kind of messed up world do we live in?

I will admit, the only place I have that is safe is Orygen, the mental health service I use at the moment. The problem is its not sustainable because I will be discharged soon because you have a finite amount of time. I need to be more independent and the more healthier option to do is try to start to move away a bit from it so discharge is easier.

I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm dismissing your idea, I'm not, it's just so hard to get out because I see people in a relationship it makes me want to commit suicide. I am thinking about going back to hospital again because whats the point? I'm not attractive. A guy who beats a woman up or kills his own son is attractive apparently. I would never do any of that stuff and yet women have no interest in me. I am so alone on this issue. I have no one to talk to this weekend and my friends don't understand. Going to a club or a punk club might seem like a good idea for some, and it is don't get me wrong, but I'll have to do it on my own because I don't know anyone who is into punk. It is so scary right now to be me and all I want is someone to just sit with me and try to help me get through this. I will try the punk thing. I'm just saying how precarious things are. Women hate me so much and I haven't done anything to offend them.

[smallwolf]

I am going to throw a random idea out if you would permit me. I have been reading a book about connections. So you don't feel comfortable going into a club. That is fine. So how can you create a connection? To me, your interests are interesting. On music then, if I were looking for punk music where would I should? Would I go to JB hi-fi or would I look for a speciality record store? My wife bought me a Opeth record for last Christmas. Only place to get it is at one of those specialist stores. You might be able to strike up a conversation with the person that runs the shop? Chat about music only. What other bands have a similar sound to... Where is a good place to listen to this music? Suppose he doesn't know the answer? Then ask him who would know the answer? Slowly you are creating connections. But do it in your own time. When you are ready. Don't pressure yourself. If you have the money you might even walk out with a new album. That would become my shop then.

Tim