Selfish people

[Koor]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this platform. I am in my mid thirties; completed my PhD last year. The reason I mention this is to suggest my cognitive abilities are alright. And I am in the stage of life where I can perceive, churn and understand. 

I am loving, understanding and giving. However, most people (friends, cousins, in-laws) around me are selfish,  vocal about their own needs, demanding and not at all in the frame of mind to listen to my point of view or accept I can be offended. This is ok because I have come to understand this is how people are. 

The problem is I take it to my heart, get hurt, feel the pain, sulk and cry. I get migraines and depression. I am unable to understand why people behave in certain ways. I am unable to forgive them and move on. I hold onto it tight. I feel the urge to tackle such people and tell them their ways are unacceptable. However, no one accepts and my urge and the associated depression grows. 

I feel let down, insulted and sick - mentally and physically. Why are people so undeserving and why do I hold it close to my heart? My partner and my dad have immensely helped me to get out of this overwhelming cyclone of thoughts. But apparently they have now given up. I am disturbing them without improving. 

I am sure no one cares. Why do I at the cost of my health? I need help. I want to be normal.

Please help.

Much appreciated

[white knight]

Hi Koor, welcome here

There are a few articles I've written on this and similar topics. Google the following-

"Topic: Wit, the only answer to torment- beyondblue"

"Topic: forgiveness and forgetting- beyondblue"

"Topic: benefit of the doubt could save embarrassment- beyondblue"

"Topic: when emotions take over logic- beyondblue"

"Topic: smokes and mirrors, its not real- beyondblue"

"Topic: supermarket shelves- beyondblue"

"Topic: what is your defense against your vulnerability- beyondblue"

Hopefully they'll be some help in there. Unfortunately going on the attack is one of your best defense mechanisms....

Tony WK

[JessF]

Hello Koor, I think there's a number of things we can unpack here, starting with a couple of contradicting thoughts you have: one, that most people are selfish and two, that no-one cares about you.  You have named at least two people who do seem to care about you - so both those thoughts can't be true.  Perhaps there are some other things you are thinking that also might not be true? 

Why do you react the way you do to certain behaviours? Without more information about specifics, it's difficult to provide any advice that wouldn't be so general as to be dismissive. Perhaps you could have a think about the last time you felt hurt by someone, and describe what happened here so we can have a bit more insight.

[pipsy]

Dear Koor.  Sorry to say this, I mean no offense.  I get the feeling you're a bit of a perfectionist who needs to feel you're right.  Were you made to feel insignificant as a child, where no matter what you said, came out wrong, or you were misunderstood in what you tried to convey.  With IL's, unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, they will always have the ideas they've always had.  Princess Di tried to 'change the royals' she was left feeling so disillusioned she gave up.  Try to accept that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, learn to 'agree to disagree'.  No-one thinks less of you, but you.  Everyone wants a 'perfect' world, unfortunately they don't exist except in soap operas where the men always seem to know how the women are thinking and feeling.  You're no more wrong than anybody else, you just have different points of views and ideas.  You have the same right to your views as everybody else.  If you find you disagree with views and thoughts spoken, quietly excuse yourself and (if possible) go for a walk.  Once you're out of the situation, what you don't hear, you can't disagree with, or get upset.  Just politely say, you need some air, you're not feeling well.  If something said does offend you, try telling your hubby (when you can) how you felt and why.  Hopefully he loves you enough to support you. emotionally.