Saving My Marriage

[CrazyInLove]

Hi there, I have been with my husband for 13 years and he has been distant and detached for a few months now. We have tried to talk a couple of times, but he only opened up a little bit.

Last night he came from work and told me he needed to find his identity and stability, and that he doesn’t really see a future with me. We openly talked for hours and cleared up so many misunderstandings that happened over the years, but he is telling me it is too late. I thought I was doing my best to always support him through some very challenging times, but he thought that was making him feel dependent and worth even less, and feeling down because he is unable to support us, and I should be with someone else. 

I have always been the main income earner and comfortable with that, while he has changed a few careers and worked mostly at entry level, and he is still working out what he wants to do, but now feels extremely bad about not being financially stable and able to support us. He has supported us in many other ways which I often tell them and thank him for it.

He has always wanted kids. In the past I did not want children which has changed recently. I felt so insecure financially and with work for years, and now I’ve been quietly hoping it is finally the time, have even saved up to be able to take time off work, and have been trying to find a good time to talk to him about it in the past few months, but the time never came.

He has struggled with finding his feet over the years, from being a teenager through to now, but things have never reached this level.

I love him so very much and I am so committed to do whatever it takes to be there for him and with him. I suggested we talk to a third party to work it out, but he is not willing to speak to anyone.

After hours of talking last night and telling me that he wanted to work on himself, loved me, but felt like there was no future, he still came to sleep in our bed but did not touch me. This morning he told me he felt the same, but wanted us both to stay in the house and share responsibilities while he wants to work on himself, find out what he likes to do, find a better job and start contributing to the bills, and see how he feels later and then maybe there is a chance to work on our relationship.

We are booked to visit our families overseas next month, but he told me he is no longer going and I should go alone.

I have no idea what to do. I love him so much.

I'd appreciate any experiences and opinions you have. Thank you.

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

I feel for you so deeply as you struggle through a period in your husband's life and the relationship you share together. I imagine you may be experiencing elements of heartache, with your husband having expressed his feelings and uncertainty openly with you.

'Who am I really? Where am I heading? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why do I feel the way I do?' and more can be liberating questions, depressing questions or philosophical questions, all depending on the way we look at them. Whether we're searching for a psychological sense of identity or a soulful sense of self (or a bit of a combo), the desperate need for change becomes the focus. Whether we begin to make significant changes with our partner or separate from them, I think depends on how we want to be raised. 

As a 54yo gal, I've found that being raised by people can be a bit of a Goldilocks experience. You gotta get a feel for who you naturally are and what you naturally love. For example, someone could raise us to channel 'the party goer' in us but we discover 'No, that's no longer who I naturally am'. Then again, they could raise us to tap into 'the kayaker' in us, leading us to fall in love with the feeling of peacefully rowing on a calm glistening lake, with gentle breezes bringing us to life in the middle of nature. Perhaps someone could raise us through gifting us a new stereo (with good quality speakers) while insisting 'Dance like no one's watching', which brings the dance maniac in us to life, as we fling our self around the lounge room when no one's home. Let's say we're born with 100 different facets, all waiting to be brought to life in one way or another. Our partner may raise those facets in us, for us to meet with, and then we could say 'I love the kayaker in me, I love the dance maniac in me, I love the visionary in me, the adventurer in me (that thrives on specific kinds of adventures)' and the list goes on. We are raised to fall in love with parts of our self we never knew existed until we met with them. It is a chance to fully fall in love with our self. I should add, there will always be parts of our self we struggle with or are not a fan of, such as our 'inner critic'. It can be a mongrel to manage at times, that's for sure.

You may find that once your husband begins to find aspects or facets of himself that bring him a strong sense of identity, a sense of joy, fulfillment etc, he may be ready to bring the father in him to life. And that is a whole other story. As a mum to a 22yo daughter and 19yo son, I have to say that it has been my 2 kids who have raised me the most, though challenges, some depressing times, inspirational moments, key revelations, laughter, adventure and more.

Btw, if your husband is a deeply feeling person, he will feel the things that raise him and the things that don't. For example, if he's always dreamed of becoming a photographer, he will feel what a new camera feels like. It will feel like an opportunity to develop himself, not just develop photos.

[CrazyInLove]

@the rising, thank you so much for taking time to write this. A lot of things are making sense.

I just don't know what to do now, how to act around him.

Yesterday he told me his plan to find a more stable job and start contributing to the household, but at the same time said that meant working on himself, not the relationship. 

Today, he was messaging me regularly with updates on his day. I don't know if he is doing it because he cares, or out of a habit, or to not hurt me more.

I don't know if I should just take a step back and give him time... I love him dearly and keep hoping he would hug and kiss me when he comes home like he used to, and that things would work out. I never knew I could feel so hopeless.

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

It sounds like he's being open with communication. Could be about asking him what he wants to talk about or needs to talk about. I think it's fair that you should also have the opportunity to be open about what you want or need to communicate. I suppose it's about talking each other through this time in your marriage. 

It's definitely hard when it comes to times where our marriage vows are seriously tested. When they are being seriously tested, 'For better or worse', 'For richer or poorer', 'In sickness and in health' can take on new meanings. While (on they day we're married) it's easy to imagine and be excited about the best of times. What we can never imagine is the worst of times and how we're going to get through those. So, when the worst of times come, we realise how ill prepared we are for them. While we may imagine we can make it through just about any financial struggle, no one really prepares us for the complete opposite of richness in spirit. How do we manage, together, what feel like potentially soul destroying challenges? And while 'In sickness and in health' may conjure up images of us doting over our spouse when they're physically ill, mental health is an entirely different ball game. While I've faced challenges in my own marriage, over the past 22 years, I was never prepared for the toughest of challenges. The toughest ones can be so incredibly emotional and so unbelievably confusing. Some can even be depressing and anxiety inducing to various degrees. The toughest of challenges will even test the strongest of marriages. I think the ultimate challenge comes down to talking each other through the challenges, which can involve the friendship element of the relationship. In other words, how would really good friends talk to each other or talk each other through the challenges they face individually and together?

I think it would be fair to say to your husband 'I need you to talk me through the lack of hugging because I'm really struggling with it. I don't know how to manage it. Do you have any suggestions?'. Btw, while low oxytocin levels in post natal depression or depression in general can help explain a lack of love and bonding, low oxytocin levels in men (specifically) is quite interesting. While I'm a deeply soulful gal at heart, I love an education on how we mentally and physically or chemically tick. Self understanding is a rabbit hole adventure and investigation, that's for sure 🙂

[CrazyInLove]

Hi again therising,

I am a first-time poster here and have come here because I had nowhere else to go without feeling judged or getting unbiased opinions. I appreciate your input so much and it helps giving me hope to keep fighting, keep working on this, keep talking, try to understand...and take time.

Mu husband has never opened up this much, which is one of the reasons why we are where we are now. If only we talked so openly about everything throughout the years... If only I was aware of how my communication was being misunderstood and what impact I was having. If only...

He is being very caring at the moment, asking how I'm feeling, saying we should always support each other no matter what as we have noone else where we live, but telling me at the same time he feels numb and has no feelings for me and holding me would feel like holding a log.

I naturally lean towards wanting to have problems sorted as soon as they occur, so it is a big struggle for me to be taking a step back and appearing calm and telling him it is ok to take time and no pressure on him.

He is still making plans and taking actions and doing things together around our property and telling me this is my home also, but saying at the same time that he is unsure if time will change his feelings.

I am hurting so much and just trying to get through every minute, every hour...

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

I meant to mention earlier how I had no idea that a person could attend marriage counseling on their own 'til I did it myself some years back, as my husband didn't want to go. Perhaps it's something worth keeping in mind, speaking to someone about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. Something else I learned about was what I needed, as an individual in a relationship, as well as a host of other handy things that were well worth learning.

It's strange how it can take us or our partner 13 years or 22 years to eventually work out what we need from a relationship, what we can and can't tolerate, what's missing and so on. Can take a while to finally learn so much about our self and our partner. I've also found it can take a while to wake up to a lack of some of the things that were there in the beginning of the relationship. Kind of like 'What happened to those things we used to do that brought us joy?'. Of course, while we may have evolved beyond some of those things, our partner may still rely on them to be happy to some degree. Paths can gradually separate through the process of personal growth. So many factors can go toward why relationships reach the point that they do. Significant revelations can become a major influence when it comes to direction ('Do I stay or do I go?').

I'd have to say one of the greatest revelations in my life and marriage involve eventually defining what love means to me. When I defined it, I was finally able to make so much sense of why I didn't or couldn't feel love or loved in the past, why I could love easily at times, why I failed to love myself in many ways and so on. I also discovered how I love. What helped was my daughter mentioning the so called '5 love languages'. Personally, I'm an 'acts of service' person (this is how I love, intensely at times). My husband, on the other hand, is a 'physical touch' person. We are very different. So, while we can speak of oxytocin levels as being of influence, sometimes it can involve simply figuring out how we love in the most natural way for us, as individuals. Being an 'acts of service' person (in the way that I love), for me love is found in evolution. If I can serve someone in ways that lead them to evolve, I am loving them to life. If we are serving our self in ways that lead us to evolve, technically we're loving our self to life. Perhaps your husband is in the process of trying to learn to love himself. It's a hard thing to do if we've never done it before. ❤️

[CrazyInLove]

Hello the rising,

Thank you so much again. You are opening my eyes in so many ways and also giving me hope that things could turn around with a lot of time, effort and patience.

It's been awfully tough these past four days. I can't believe it's only four days because it feels like an eternity.

During this time he is already doing his thing - hangs out with his friends, tries new things, comes home with a smile and then burries himself in job seeking. We talk a lot - about our days, about plans, about his feelings. I am beginning to understand how deeply he is hurting and hoping that bit by bit his burdens will lift, his spirits will raise and then we can work on our relationship. Words of affirmation are his love language which I am trying to use enough but not to the point I would start pushing him away.

I am hurting so much, but trying to hold it together and be there for him and not show my heartbreak when he comes home. I think knowing that I'm hurting makes him feel a lot worse, so I hold it in until I'm alone... Following your suggestion I am also ready to look into solo counselling.

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

It can be far from easy to face and make sense of what can be mind altering and life changing. All of a sudden our sense of reality can shift in a big way and things kinda become surreal to some degree. If I could describe 'mind altering/life changing' as a feeling, I'd say it's the feeling of 'twisting in the wind with little to no sense of direction'. It can feel quite 'floaty'. Before that, there were all the things that felt 'grounding', 'solid', 'secure' and so on. They were all the predictable things that tethered us to our old sense of reality. Reality is subjective, I suppose you could say. Reality shifts constantly, depending on the subjects we face (situations, people, belief systems, sense of identity, perspective etc).

I'm glad you're considering counselling. I've found that when I don't know how to live a part of my life that leaves me feeling so incredibly lost, it pays to find a really good guide, someone to show us the way while helping shed light on what can be hard to see or make sense of. With having managed some somewhat depressing challenges over the years, I'd say depression (from a philosophical perspective) can be like finding yourself in the dark with all the answers around you. You can't see the answers or the way forward in the dark but when someone suddenly sheds light it becomes 'Oh, there it is (the answer/way forward). How did I not see it when it was there all along?!'.

With you mentioning how your husband relates to 'words of affirmation', it leads me to think of my husband who's not just about 'physical touch' but also 'words of affirmation'. Such things give him a sense of security, a sense of identity and a sense of value. An example that comes to mind involves mowing the lawn. He'd love me to hug him, tell him how much I love him and what a great job he's done on the lawn. From this, he identifies as someone who is loved and valued. The problem is I'm not like that. Generally I'm not a hugging person or someone who lavishes praise when it comes to everyday tasks. I know I sound cold but I think I developed into this kind of person based on personal experience. I had to learn to love myself, embrace myself, value myself. I'd say this learning experience came about as a form of self preservation, from having been let down so often. Before things changed, I was a seeker of love, acceptance and validation; always looking for these things, relying on them from others. I came to realise if I didn't feel loved by someone, I'd be able to love myself in soulful ways. If someone didn't embrace me, I could mentally and soulfully embrace myself through my sense of achievement, self acceptance and self love. And if I didn't feel valued, I learned say 'It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, says or does, I value myself/my accomplishments'. Being able to finally love myself, embrace myself and value myself came as an enormous relief. Btw, this does not mean to say I don't hug people. When I'm overwhelmed by my love for someone or my sense of adoration for them or by their deep heartfelt grief etc, I feel no choice but to hug them, to embrace them with every single ounce of my being. My hugs are so deeply and incredibly soulful. They have nothing to do with mowing lawns, unfortunately for my husband 😁

I think sometimes that the most challenging times in our relationship with our partner can be asking us to think deeply about who we naturally are, how we think, what we believe in, how we behave etc. The greatest of challenges can force us into next level consciousness/awareness. Definitely a tough way to become more conscious. I'm glad you are openly talking and becoming more conscious together. I think it's important that he remains conscious of your struggle in this challenge, so that he can help you through it.

[quirkywords]

 Crazyinlove

The rising has been supportive and I wonder how you are feeling. 

[CrazyInLove]

Hi the rising, thank you again for your support and the valuable insights.

I am trying to observe him even closer now during the short time we spend together, see if his energy changes, if his facial expressions change... He's been out and about trying new things and I don't know if that is making him happy and if that changes when he comes home. Yesterday I decided not to start the conversation about his feelings to give him a little break and we talked about all sorts of things instead. He seems conscious about some of the things that went wrong between us, such as his checking out when I was trying to talk to him. He now turns to me, puts his phone down or pauses the TV... He thanks me for everything I do... He still comes home, he still talks about our plans (especially property maintenance and renovation plans, and his contributing to the financial aspects of our lives once he finds a better job). He sleeps in our bed, wears his ring, refers to things as "we" or "us", but there is this obvious detachment, no physical touch and very very obvious struggles. I am hoping to find the right approach to get him to try counselling for his depression. So far he was not interested at all. I plan to bring it up gently again.

I have taken a big step back and I'm letting him be and do his thing of self-discovery, while being very clear that I'm always there to support him when he is ready. I welcome any further suggestions of dos and don'ts.