Sad daughter

[Jems]

My 19 year old daughter is so sad and lonely. I just don’t know how to help her now. My marriage with her dad broke up last year and my daughter, my son and myself moved house. She goes to uni and works casually and she’s always been a sensitive soul but now I can’t say anything without it being a major issue. I know I’m not perfect nor do I try to be but I do know I’m a good Mum. My kids are both amazing humans so seeing her so miserable is heartbreaking. She doesn’t see friends anymore and rarely goes out without me. Even writing this is helping and I’m thinking probably some counselling to start with. It’s been an absolutely horrible year and I can see the toll it’s taken on them. BUT I’d also appreciate advice to help with her confidence. She’s asking why nobody likes her. Anything other than or as well as counselling? Thanks in advance.

[Croix]

Dear Jems~

Welcome here. It is very hard to go though a separation and now with your daughter suffering so much your own life must be very hard.

I'm no doctor but I would imagine that your daughter's unhappiness and feeling no one likes her is most probably a reaction to the separation. She may even in some way feel she is the cause, or that she was not loved enough to hold everything together. May I ask how your son is getting on?

The fact she remains at work and uni is a very positive thing. I think the idea of counseling is fine, however if it was me I'd get her to see her GP first for a physical, and then let her discuss her feelings in a long consultation. It may be she is suffering depression - I would not be sure and would be comforted by professional advice. If all is OK then counseling would seem a pretty good option.

Have you talked about this with you daughter and asked her what she thinks? It may also be appropriate to talk with your son who may have ideas himself or be able to support his sister directly.

Apart from yourselves are there any other family members or friends whom your daughter likes? If so being with them from time to time might get her out in a less daunting atmosphere.

Trying building up her confidence yourself can help too. Being a companion and seeking her opinions and generally trying to have a good time with her. Maybe a night when she cooks, her having selected the ingredients at the supermarket (and you and your son washing up).

I'm sure you will already have thought of most if not all of this already. Knowing you love her and are there for her permanently is probably the single biggest thing you can do.

Please let us know how you and your daughter get on

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Jems, a warm welcome to you.

Being a parent myself, it's always sad when one of our kids is sad and lonely, and when my wife wanted to divorce me this then made our 2 sons sad, especially one of them, and when any topic was raised no mutual agreement could be agreed upon.

I'm sure your heart is broken and I feel sorry for you, because that's where I have been before, and all we want to do is anything to make them happy, to bring a smile to their face.

Sometimes this inner voice, that we all have, can tell us negative thoughts and they can start when we don't want them to or they add on to our already feeling of sadness and once this continues depression can begin, so counseling would be a good beginning, not only for your daughter but also for yourself.

Anybody suffering from depression may believe that nobody really likes them, but this can be changed by strengthening their self esteem and confidence.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.

[Jems]

Thank you for replying, My son is 20 and is actually doing better since the separation as am I. I think when her bubble burst (sadly out of my hands) her relationship with her dad soured. I encourage them to see their dad and her relationship with him is improving but every little thing is a major setback. We do a lot of things together...like cooking, walks, visit new places but when she’s down she’s really down. She has built a massive wall around herself and that’s what I’m struggling with because I see a smart, kind amazing young woman and I tell her how proud I am of her even when we aren’t being 100% lovable. Honestly, when she hasn’t seen her dad for awhile she seems to do better but it’s her dad and they love each other. She needs to be able to (my opinion) forgive him and build a different relationship with him now. I won’t go into it but there was no abuse and I wanted to keep the kids out of it but she happened to read some messages between her dad and his ‘friend’. To say it broke her heart is an understatement. I truly think this is the underlying issue right now.

[Jems]

Thanks for your reply. I do have an amazing counsellor bit my daughter refused to see anyone but had a talk and she’s willing now so fingers crossed.

I have to say I’ve never put their dad down or discouraged them from having a relationship with him. The opposite in fact even though I was broken I never wanted them to be dragged into that awful place but sadly was out of my hands (read my reply above). As I said I truly believe this has just destroyed her trust and it’s destroying her relationships with everyone. But now if she’s happy to see/speak to someone I feel she’s got a chance to find her peace again.

[Croix]

Dear Jems~

I'm really please she will see your councilor, hopefully as amazing for her as you.

As it looks like your ex has a major part in your daughter's current state is that something he can help try to repair? It looks like at present contact is having at least a partly a negative effect. Maybe he has to work to be forgiven, perhaps even discuss the messages. What do you think? I don't know if you are in sufficient contact to make any suggestions along those lines.

Please look after yourself too, you had thought of having counseling yourself, which still sounds a pretty good idea.

Croix

[geoff]

Hi Jems, thanks for getting back to us and I believe you are right in what you have said in your reply.

The trust she had with her dad seems to have affected other relationships, but perhaps not, because not seeing anyone else doesn't mean that their r/ship has been broken, it's just that they haven't had time to make contact.

With her agreeing to speak to a counsellor this may improve.

She may also want to speak with someone from Reachout as these people dress in casual clothes and at times connect with people in another way, so sometimes this suits them much better, so give them a ring to make contact, it might be what she is looking for.

All the Best.

Geoff.

[Jems]

He absolutely has to work at being forgiven and I think my daughter has but he keeps doing stupid things that just set her back again.

Thanks for your words of support though. Nice to know we’re not alone.

[Jems]

Hi. I think what I was meaning was her trust has been broken and now she’s been so hurt that she doesn’t want to put herself back out there again to be hurt anymore. For me, I’m on tenterhooks when they come back from seeing him as I never know if it’s gone well or not. Everyone keeps saying they’re adults now but this is new for them and they will always be my kids.

Hope that makes sense.

I haven’t actually heard of reach out but will look into that, thank you.

Thanks again for replying.

[Doolhof]

HI Jems,

Reminding your children that you are there for them and that you love them is the most important thing you can do for them. Be there to listen, to hold your daughter or to just sit next to her if she has no words to say.

Hopefully she will be able to talk to someone and get some help with everything that is going on in her mind and soul.

Maybe she might feel comfortable writing out what she is going through. You could buy her a nice notebook and pen and tell her it is there for her to write down anything she wants, and no one else will read it if she doesn't want them to.

Writing can be amazing therapy! Also suggest that each day she also finds something to be thankful or grateful for. Maybe she could have two note books. I know I have. One for all the unhelpful stuff, one as a Gratitude journal.

Your children are very fortunate to have you!

Cheers from Dools