Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Struggler]

Hi GA          

Well done on blocking him on FB.  Just ignore his emails and let your lawyer handle him.

I am seeing here time and time again FB gives so much grief to people.  I deactivated my FB account as it was causing too much trouble from family and friends.  As to your mother-in-law, hey, what what do you expect? She is the outlaw!  Block her too, in fact block all his family because they all gang up on you now.  This is to preserve your sanity.

Seriously tell your lawyer that you want his super.  You need to be practical.  Marriage is broken down and you must try and get what you deserve under the law.  You need the money to survive. 

Struggler

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Struggler, 

I don't have problems with anyone else on fb. I just remove people from my friends list which isn't that long. I give up on communicating with him though. Apologies for the miscommunication, but it was the brother in law on my side who was chiming in to defend me. While he has a large family, they don't get on and I don't have any of his family on my friends list anymore. 

An early night for me as I have centrelink and the gp tomorrow, and I spent the afternoon having a seizure.

😞

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Update: 

Today went ok. Centrelink was surprisingly efficient and the social worker surprisingly sympathetic and helpful. End result is that I have a couple months where I don't have to find work. I want to before that but if things take that long, I don't have to apply for jobs. After that I'll be going on different benefits which have greater support. Also, a benefit I thought I was receiving I handed  the paperwork in today so now I'll actually get it.

GP was good, my blood pressure is better and she got me a medical certificate to hand in to centrelink. One more follow up next week, and then we'll space it out more. 

I even survived public transport, though I had anxiety shakes the entire time. 

Still I was somewhat functional today. I now sit here with a sleeping kitten in my lap don't feel exactly happy, but at least I don't feel sad. 

GA

GA

[Stuck14]

Glad you had a better day today. Hopefully a sign of things to come. You deserve peace, happiness and support.

[Jo3]

Hey GA

Sounds like you had a good day and achieved quite a bit.  That is fantastic.

Sleep well my friend

Take care

Jo xx

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I've gotta say that with all that you've been through for so long and "especially" over the last month or so, that this latest post from you just leapt out at me with great vibes.

And boy oh boy, you sure have needed to finally get a "small" break.

What a difference it can make to actually deal with someone who has a charitable and caring nature - albeit this time at Centrelink.  I don't mean to be nasty here, but I have heard so many not good reports about them.  So it was heaps pleasing to read you found someone really helpful.  AND that they have sorted things out in a positive fashion for you.  That "must" be a big relief for you.

Let me take one step back though - GA, with how you "have" been feeling of late, let me (and no doubt plenty of others here) CONGRATULATE you for getting to Centrelink in the first place.  Let's face it, all you've know of late is your bed, your doona and the couch, etc.  But you took the massive step and i mean MASSIVE step to get up, showered, dressed and out of the house and hit the public transport.  I can't imagine how much effort that would have taken, but I - i'm shaking my head GA - I'm finding it hard to put words to how sensational that was for you to do that.

And here you come back and say so modestly that that you were 'somewhat functional today'. 🙂   That's brilliant and I have a massive smile on my face with your post and re-reading it again.

Cheers to you my friend

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all, 

Thankyou for your replies. I was an anxious mess the entire time though, you give me too much credit. The truth was that the consequences would be worse if I didn't go. So lesser of two evils. 

Today is the day to dye my hair before the convention on the weekend, and I am a little freaked out today because I have money in account, but I don't know what large bill to spend it on next week. The dentists will have to come out. But I don't know if I am going to have to pay legal costs, pay him back some money, or if I could save up for a barista course, or a couple other big purchases which I could really use. 

Ugh decisions are not my strong point. So I am sort of paralysed by indecision.

Sydney is also on my mind today. So I am a little sad about that, wondering where she is, if shes ok. I guess today just feels washed out compared to yesterday. I feel sad and I don't really know why. 

Maybe I just lost the brain chemistry lottery this morning. 

GA

[Jo3]

Hey GA

How are you today? I was just thinking of you and thought I would write.  How did your hair turn out with the colour?

I hope Sydney is okay wherever she is.

Take care and hope your weekend is okay.  Oh by the way what convention are you going to?

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi jo, 

My hair turned out allright. More violet then purple at the end. A diiferent purple I used.

The convention is general pop culture, so comics, tv, movies, all things geeky.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I know you've got the other "thread" a happenin' now, but just on the convention.

Can I ask, "Is it Comicon? Or my daughter just asked "Or is it SuperNova?"

My daughter a month or so ago, went to Adelaide for a two-day event of this, with her god-mother.  Well actually being a female, would that make her a Goddess-mother?  Anyway, the two of them are pretty close and they had the most wonderful and amazing time.

My daughter scored heaps of photos and saw loads of people dressed up in 'character dress'.  She scored autograph and photo of Dean O'Gorman (some bearded hippy looking dude who played some character in The Hobbit - not bilbo or frodo (whoops, wrong movie for Frodo) - um, but Killy or Filly (Kili or Fili - you know the little people)   We are allowed to call them little people, aren't we?   I guess Hobbits is another name for them.   Ok, they're dwarves;  not hobbits, but they do have hairy feet.

I'm not sure, it might even have been Smeagol (Gollum) - cause when she came home, she kept referring to me as "My precious".

Was it something like that?

Neil