Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Hey, those tablets sound like there has been an impact on you already - which is very pleasing to read.

Just out of interest, how did the little ones (Elsa and Mayflower) get on with so many kiddy-winks around - hope they weren't too traumatised by a house-full of children.

I LOVE the little evil smile - anything to do with 'getting something back' from someone who is not playing a very nice game is always worth doing.  Sorry, that's my nasty streak coming out in me.

As for the signature, yes, see what your lawyer says about it - because you really don't want to sign it off, I think on two reasons.  (a) hey, it was your place too and the money returned potentially should be a fifty-50 split, but also the 2nd one is a bit more of me being paranoid and that's (b) where he's given you just the ONE page for your signature.  If you sign that, what exactly ELSE are you signing off on?  Sorry, don't mean to scare you there, but it just concerns me, that if there's other pages, why weren't they sent to you, so you could see exactly what it is that you're signing off on?

Kind regards

Neil

[Struggler]

Hi GA

I'm with Neal on the signing of the document.  If it is in both your names, shouldn't you get half the bond money?  Like Neal said, you don't know what's written on the other pages.  Please talk to someone with legal training.  Here in SA there is free phone legal advice.  I am sure there is something similar in your state.  

Please, please don't just sign. You don't want to get more stress.   I worry about you.

Struggler

[Jo3]

Hey GA

I have just read Neil's reply to you about signing the paper.  I totally agree with Neil and Struggler - don't sign until you speak to a professional.  

Pls take care

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

I hope these meds work out ok too. Or at least not give me awful sideaffects. So far so good though, so we'll see. 

Neil -

Mayflower mainly avoids the kids, though she doesn't mind a pat now and then. She just isn' t a lap cat, and though she is very affectionate with me and one of my housemates who is also a cat person, she dosn't appeciate that many humans, let alone the small ones. Elsa on the other hand loves any kind of attention so loves the kuds attention though is a bit wary younger ones.  Even now she is staring at me wondering why I stopped petting her to tap at the screen. I have had to tell the 4  yo off a few times for being a bit rougn with her, as shecan't pick her up properly or once in a tantrum throwing a stuffed toy at Elsa because she ran away from her. Actions that don't come out of malice, just not understanding that cats aren't toys but living creatures and also won't obey commands like dogs. She has tried a few times to trap her in rooms so she won't get away, but she will understand. I have been showing her the right way to pet cats and when to let them go, etc.

You know I think the meds have made a difference already, but I am too cautious to say that out loud. Don't want to jinx it you know? Today I have spent the day in bed mostly, though that is becausei caught whatever bug my housemate had for the past few weeks. I'm currently running a temperature and coughing up a lung, but at the same time it hasn't pushed my mood way off course. Instead I just feel sick, but not woe is me depressed. So yeah meds are working. 

Struggler - I am worried about signing it. I hadn't considered the rest of the document. I am seeing legal advice tomorrow, and will see what they say. It means gathering all the paperwork I can muster. But hopefully worth it. I didn't want this to getrmessy, but I refuse to be walked over. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Way to go my friend – with your last comment – where you refuse to be walked over.  

You’ve made the massive stand, you’ve made the positive move, to release yourself from the relationship you were in – it was toxic for you and you’ve made enormous progress over recent times. 

And I am proud of you – and I have no doubt, that all the rest of this wonderful community are proud of you as well for the direction you’re pointing yourself in for your future.

But right now is a time to take stock and just pause for a sec to see what is actually going on?  I believe today (Monday) is the day that you’re seeking your legal advice, which is brilliant.  I’m just so skeptical about this one page that he wants you to sign.  So I’ll be very interested to hear what your legal advice person says to you about this.

 Keep fighting the fight GA

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  I get a smile on my face everytime I see that white kitty, Elsa just lying on her back in the sun.  So cute!  🙂

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

Today went ok no direct advice yet but details have been taken down, the situation recorded. She is going to speak to the senior solicitor and call me back this week. Probably a further meeting to confirm things. 

Otherwise, a tiring day out getting kitty supplies and a couple treats for me too. I have more hair dye, so I can redo my hair before the convention this weekend.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Well the other shoe had to drop right?

I received a message today that he is taking me to the debt collectors. I don't know if he can do that, but it just instantly felt like something squeezed so tight in my chest. Damn this anxiety. Damn it damn it damn it. 

Its like all this calmness was holding back a wave, and the wall just broke and all I feel is fear. What if I screw up? What if I can't be a functional adult? What if this is the wrong decision? Do I respond and say I am seeking legal advice? Is it better to stay silent?

It just feels like fear is in every inch of my body. I just....what do I do?

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Did he give a time frame for this business about the debt collectors?   And as we've already mentioned - collecting?   Collecting what from you??

Is it possible to be back in contact with the person you met today?    Did you happen to mention that he was waving this above your head as intimidatory tactics??

I would try to get in touch with your legal person as soon as you possibly can.  Let them know what he's telling you - and let them obviously know of your position.

I just don't see how he can do this?   I also don't see how a decent kind of person would WANT to do this - he knows your illness - he knows how fragile you are.  It's downright disgusting what he's doing to you in my book.

GA, get some legal advice as soon as you can - and let them handle this.

That's as best as I can advise you at the moment dear sweet lady.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

The legal agency is already closed so I can't contact them until tomorrow.

I don't know what they would take short of this tablet. I don't have a car, a computer or anything. This billisn't even mine. If he is going after me for this, I can go after his super. 

The kids are just losing it and I can't handle it. I can barely type through the tears. I have taken my antianxiety meds but they haven't kicked in yet. I just can barely breathe. 

What more does he want from me? What else is he going to take?

GA

[Bridge]

breathe, possum, breathe.

he cant take anything tonight, or even this week.  In fact he'll be battling to take anything this month.  you have time, plenty in fact, to get back in touch with the lawyer tomorrow. In fact youve got all week.

theres nothing you can do to fix it tonight, so spend the time looking after yourself, and im not sure what the best way is for you- dinner, warm shower, bit of stupid tv- youll know what work best.  Hot water bottle and doonah probably will play quite a big part.  and Drugs!!!!  take them!

Breathe.  calm down. 

Bridge