Rocket Science

Girl_Anachronism · ‎10-05-2014

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all.

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us.

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me.

Seven years of my life. Gone.

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/ This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

Girl_Anachronism · ‎12-06-2014

Update:

Lunch with my sister was good. We got food groceries, complained about the ex. I had almond cakes which I grew up on so they taste like my childhood. The good parts of my childhood anyway. Dutch relatives who work in sweet shops did nothing for my teeth but I certainly looked forward to packages from overseas.

The better news is that gp was really good. I have my old sleeping meds, which can also be used for anti anxiety. She also gave me some new antidepressants to try, and I will start them tomorrow. Mental health plan created for the bulk billing psychologist next door, who I will call tomorrow for the soonest appointment. More importantly, she listened. She didn't even seem surprised at what the clinic did. I wonder if they have done it to others.

I mean I was an anxious mess, so thefe was no doubt I needed help. Kudos to her for staying so calm, even after I told her about the self harm. So a good outcome for once, but I can't help but feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I wonder if I have the capacity to be just happy again. Maybe this paranoia will fade. Maybe the other shoe will drop.

Either way, some happier news.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎13-06-2014

My ex is demanding my new address for sending legal notices. I am not sure whether to give it to him, or wait til Monday. I have given my address previously but apparently he has forgotten because he seems to think he doesn't have it.

I am just worried I might be in the wrong by not giving it to him. given my previous mental health medical history, I want to be as presentable and rational as possible. I just don't know what the rational thing to do here is.

GA

Bridge · ‎13-06-2014

hi GA

so glad the doctor was good. Thank the stars!!! really pleased to hear that.

could you get the ex to send stuff to your sisters place? or another friends house and collect it from there? or they could send it on. or, even better, could he send it straight to your lawyer? That might make him think a bit harder about what he's sending.

hooray for mental health plans and local doctors.

well done GA!

I was wondering about the self harming too- Mares picked it. Id be happy and relieved if you stopped self harming, but id be absolutely elated if you stopped feeling the need.

keep going GA. keep going.

Audrey sends a sidelong glance to elsa, sort of a very low key 'well done, kit' message. almost imperceptible.

bridge

Bridge · ‎13-06-2014

forgot to say, wait until Monday..

Bridge

Neil_1 · ‎13-06-2014

Dear GA

I can’t express to you how uplifting this post was to read. Really really brilliant.

What a massive difference that a good GP can make. While reading through it – it got me wondering – perhaps, is that why a lot of folk come to this site?? There’s no judgement here, just care, advice and support. And after all, isn’t that what a lot of us are seeking. And to be with like-minded people.

But yesterday you were in an awful state, but courtesy of a lovely lunch with your sister and topped off by a very good appointment with a caring and “professional” GP, that has turned you around almost 360 degrees.

Care, support, professionalism and above all, listening – something that a top quality GP should have going for them.

This post of yours has really pleased me and lifted me.

Thank you

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎14-06-2014

Hi Neil,

Day two of the new antidepressants and so far no sideaffects aside froma little head fuzziness within the first hour or so of taking it. Fingers crossed it stays that way. I know that effects don't get felt for a few weeks, but already I hafe able to function better, like there is more room in my head some how. That when I see my friend struggling with shopping there is not a an anxious voice and delay in trying to help. I just go and help.

If this extends to shutting off emotions completely that might become a problem, but at the moment I am enjoying the space. Particularly the full nights rest ful sleep I get with the sleeping tablets. As they are not a zonk yoh out, more anti anxiety med, I can take them during the day to calm anxiety. I will have to see how drowsy they make me.

It has been a full weekend, of booking appointments, shopping and my friends sons birthday party. The house of full of kids - 3, 7, 11, 13 and the seven year olds 'girlfriend', age 8. I have also bqrely stopped moving so I need some quiet time to myself, as much as I can get here. I need to retreat and be inside. If you follow spoon theory, my quota of spoons has been used up and I borrowed some from tomorrows quota. But I was able to do all this because of the meds.

My friend also bought me this magnificent black and gold swing dress which was super cheap and in my size. So I want fo find an occasion to wear it to now. The conventions coming up might be it, since I do not have time or finances for costumes this year.

GA

Girl_Anachronism · ‎14-06-2014

I forgot to mention that the latest of the Ex Saga is that he sent me an email with the scanned page of the bond return form for my signature. Just the one page, no other information, and wants me to sign off on me getting 0 of the bond.

I know I am bieng the adult in this break up, and will discuss it with the lawyer. If it seems a good thing to fight I may but I'll ask her first. I may choose to just sign it.

That said, there is a certain pleasure in that he can't get the bond back until I sign that page. A certain power. Like I said, I am not going to abuse it and will probably just end up signing it to make him go away.

But its nice, having that power.

I'm sorry, is there a little evil on my face?

GA

geoff · ‎15-06-2014

dear GA, well what can I say except for congratulations, so far so good.

If these AD's are only giving you slight side-effects then that' a real bonus, but the one thing we all want from you is to try and stop self harming, it hurts me to think that you can harm yourself, so if there is any temptation, then you have to think of all these wonderful people here on this site that are behind you all the way, in that we don't want you to.

Slowly move yourself out of the woods, we know that you are trying and your getting there, and wouldn't you be so beautiful wearing that magnificent black and gold dress, and don't forget the lippy. L Geoff. x

Jo3 · ‎15-06-2014

Hey GA

I'm so happy to read that your new meds aren't giving you too many side effects. And the sleeping - wow that is good!!

As for the signing of the bond paperwork - I would make him wait!!!! LOL

I know that sounds nasty - but bad luck!!

GA, I really hope that these meds are going to be good for you; that you will come out of that dark place where you've been lately and find that island again (remember the one??)

Hope you have a nice day

Your friend

Jo xx

Girl_Anachronism · ‎15-06-2014

Hi Geoff,

I am trying and haven't self harmed since Wednesday. I haven't had the urges the past few days. I don't know about the future, I remain cynical that life will remain good but if the universe is listening, I invite you to prove me wrong.

So I am trying.

GA