Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge, 

Mayflower sends a noncommittal cat stare before going back to ignoring the world, and Elsa sends a big wide yawn to Oscar and Audrey, before curling up and going back to sleep. She has been running around all morning.The Perpetual Energy Machine that is my kitten needs to recharge her batteries. 

It was the loss of control that scared me. I couldn't stop myself when I started. Then the shame of what I'd done- resorted to physical violence, which was something I swore to myself I would never do after growing up with my father. It was yet another loss of identity. I was no longer the student, no longer the wife and since the party, good friend, but now I couldn't even hold to that promise, ampromise made only to myself. It is myself that is beating me up over it.

How can I judge myself to be better than my father if I start doing the things he did? What if it is an inevitable slide into the abyss, to become him? What if I have been fooling myself all this time that I could be anything different? What if I truly am an abomination, born of a monsters seed?

I sent a simple message to the ex in private asking exactly what and how much he thought I owed him. Partially to buy me some more time, partially so I had an account to bring to the lawyer on monday, to say exactly what he is asking for. He replied in a longer, more irrational message not privately but to mysisters aswell, in the joint conversation. He knows how much I hate sharing things with my family, particularly financial matters. He is doing that to hurt me. 

I am so angry at him, and hurt at the same time. It is just illogical. It doesn't have to be nasty or complicated. We could be adults about this. I am trying to be, as much my head lets me. Even if his actions come from a place of hurt, he is in the wrong. 

I am having anxiety shakes under my doona this morning, due to the psychiatrist appointment later. I will report back then.

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Hey there lovely lady – we made it – it’s now almost midday (Eastern side of Australia time) on Wednesday.  Your appointment day.  Not sure what time it’s on, but the day is here now – no more sleeps. I really hope that you are able to get some things answered or at least provided with appropriate guidance from this appointment.

 I really enjoyed reading where you haven’t replied to him at all.  He’s been contacting you, but you’re playing the silent game.  That is brilliant.  Give him nothing – no fodder to feed against you.

GA, you’re still in a hellishly low place – you’re still moving slowly along that rocky path – and because it’s a difficult and rocky path, you just can’t proceed any faster.  But I’m telling you now – it won’t always be like this.  The sun will shine for you one day and you’ll get to experience it.  I know you will.

 We’re all still here for you GA.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  to dear Bridge - my dear, it's ok - I think your meds will kick in very soon and then you'll be ok!  😉  😉   another effort of LOL   😉   😉

pss:  and it wasn't an overly bad humorous creation.  🙂    More things like that are good.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi all who are listening, 

It didn't go well today. You know how there are some people who should be in a profession and some who shouldn't? The psychiatrist shouldn't. 

I don't know how much is me bieng a general screw up, how much is her and how much is the depression. I don't know what is real. 

Basic consensus was tell my whole life story anyway. She refused to read the file. The OT from last week had said that I chose not to be in the program, not that she kicked me out of it. So Because I was in such a state, because I was too messed up from being jerked around from appt to appt,  the OT decided I was too fragile and couldn't commit to being at appointments. Ok fine, I was a mess, but you don't say someone is too fragile and abandon them. 

Then to come into this appointment, bieng blamed for being a mess. That because I couldn't stop shaking, its my fault I'm too fragile. if I had sooner appointments or meds maybe I wouldn't be shaking. After making me tell my story again, she proceeds to tell me that they have limited services they offer, and that If I can commit to the ot program, again as if I said no, then she could give me meds to tide me over.

If I couldn't she was going to close the file. No psychologist appointment, no nothing else. So its my fault I'm screwed up and  you think that by telling me this, I'm going to be able to magically fix it and become not screwed up. If I wasn't screwed up I wouldn't need them. Is the same tough love approach that my husband tried oh so successfully? Where is the empathy?

Was it the fact I could book a doc appt for tomorrow and book the legal aid that said I was doing well enough to deal with this? That I could handle being treated like this? She couldn't get how dear those acts of functionality cost me.

I told her nothing of the self harm this week. I am not telling her anything more. I am not going back there to be insulted again. 

So I guess I feel betrayed by the public mental health system and at the same time like I am the problem in my life. If I am screwing myself up and no one can help me fix  me than

what is the point? But I don't know if those thoughts are monsters, the psycniatrist or the truth. 

What is real anymore?

[Girl_Anachronism]

So I have an appointment tomorrow with the gp. I can only hope shell be better, that I can be referred to somewhere for the help I so dearly need and am asking for but can't get. 

I just feel so screwed over, and that I'm the screw up. how do you fix it, when the problem is you?

I was making progress dammit. With my old psych, I was making progress and their approaches were working.  Then I chose to leave an abusive relationship and this is the thanks I get? Because of arbitrary arrangements in our government I screwed it all up, by choosing to leave. 

I still think I am better out of the relationship, without him. But why does this have to feel so lonely? Like I am doing this without the support of everyone else. Without the support I need. 

Time to retreat to the doona, and play my angry music and wish that I didn't exist. 

GA

[Struggler]

Hi GA

I've been following your thread even though I don't post much.  

I agree with you that psychiatrist shouldn't be in this occupation.  She was adding insult to injury.  

It is unethical and unprofessional to treat you like that.  No wonder you are feeling the way you do.  Even a GP can offer better service and support.  

I don't have wisdom to pass on except to say that it is NOT your fault.  Maybe find a sympathetic GP that bulk bill?  I found sometimes GPs  are better than psychiatrist and they can also prescribe certain medication.  She/he might know of a real proper psychiatrist to refer you to?  

Hope this helps.  Sorry I can't offer much else but just to say that I empathise with you. Let us know how you're doing. 

Struggler 

[Mares73]

Dearest GA I'm lost for words at the lack of support & treatment. But then I shouldn't be because it's well known the public system is in an awful state. Do you feel low enough that you need to call the local acute team? Please please call them if your having thoughts of self harm. If your able I'd also suggest phoning BB as they may be able to put you in touch with other services. I feel so so much for you I'm lost for words. I might try find out what else you could access as I know you are now desperate. My love xx Mares

[Mares73]

P's GA I hope my other message comes through first but honestly if there was a way to give you some money to see a decent psychiatrist I'd give it in a heartbeat. The same with the lawyer. But it's hard given the forum rules that I can't help you out. Please know I'd be there & do what you needed in a flash if I could. Lve Mares xx

[Mares73]

Pps GA I know that you've self harmed during this period and are struggling desperately. I'm very concerned you may be self harming regularly now so plus don't be ashamed if you are-it just means we know how low you are & will try to get you support.  X Mares

[geoff]

dear GA, I just want to say to you that what your ex said that ' he has consulted legal advice and I am liable for some debts of his', I wouldn't believe this at all, he is only trying to frighten you into believing that he has actually seen a lawyer, but has he, it is probably a con, so please don't worry about what he says, because if this is right you will get a letter from his lawyer, and not by what he says.

So please as hard as it is for you at this stage and with all the other problems, don't be tempted into believing him one bit, it's just his word against your word.

Con artists will try anything to try and get what they want, and I'm sorry that I'm not there with you, because he would have a battle on his hands to get anywhere. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares, 

How do you know these things? Don't ever doubt your instincts Mares. You'd be really good at crisis counseling.  

I say this with trepidation, as I really don't think hospital will help. I have been self harming regularly. Not every day, but five out of eight days. I know its bad, and I am ashamed of doing it.

For what its worth despite how low I felt last night after the appointment, I didn't then. 

As for worse thoughts than those, I don't have plans or intention. Elsa is stopping me from doing any worse. So that isn't an opton on my table. 

Please don't worry. I am seeing my sister for coffee today and then the docotrs appointment, so I have some support today.  I'll report back after the GP. 

Geoff - it is the thing he would do, but he would also go to a lawyer if pushed enough. He is now asking me for my address to send legal notices.i gave it to him when we first split, so I am not going to retell it to him because he is too lazy to scroll back through messages. 

Time to go meet my sister and get out of pjs and doona. Back later. 

GA

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