Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

The landlord has had a possible tenant but they can't move in for three weeks. So I may still be liable for four weeks rent, including this past week. He is considering the offer, or waiting for another tenant sooner. 

It is one of my back upper left teeth. A couple in front of where my wisdom tooth would be, if I still had it. Antibiotics seem to be working so far, so fingers crossed it  won't come to that. I have had teeth extracted before, though having both the wisdom tooth and the one in front of it already gone, removing this one might impact my eating ability on that side. 

My kitten is pure white with one blue eye and one yellow eye. Name undecided yet. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

Thankyou for the birthday wishes. I am going out to dinner tonight at an awesome, Hell themed restaurant here with family and friends. I woke up this morning, warm in my fluffy mink blanket  with a cat draped over my ankles and a present at my bedroom door. I am now sitting here with tea, garlic and chive bread and chocolates for breakfast. 

The new kitten is pure white short hair, with one blue eye and one yellow eye. I am undecided what to call her, but I thought about Elsa (from Frozen) or to continue with the nautical theme, Pirie after the HMAS Pirie. 

I don't know how to feel about the last session. I haven't been seeing her that long but she really was good and seemed to be making progress. I wouldn't be changing at all except for government rules with where you live deciding who can see you. This new psych is just so full of unknowns. The wait to even find out when the appointment will be with him is excruciating. 

Change is scary. Damn scary. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Well that bubble burst quickly. 

I got out of my last psych appointment, to find a missed call cancelling the appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow, and giving me an replacement appointment a week from now at a time I specifically I said i couldn't do. Since I borrow transport of my housemate, and they have kids to pick up I just can't do appointments at that time of afternoon. On top of that I have to wait another week. 

I still haven't heard about an appointment with the new psych, so that will probably be  three weeks from now. Hell, maybe three weeks from now, they'll send me a letter saying it is a further month away.

On top of that I can't pick up my new kitty until Saturday. 

I am done with people today.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

There's one important piece of news which I keep forgetting and remembering,  then realising how painful it is and forgetting again. 

Some of you may remember that friend I had, who had brain cancer, had the operation to remove it and underwent radiation as it was a very aggressive kind of ependymoma. Good news was that she got through radiation, has accepted losing her hair and is now enjoying wearing all manner of wigs. 

Two weeks have passed since then. She went into hospital yesterday, losing her vision and a scan later has revealed the tumour has come back in the same spot. 

Two weeks out of radiation. Things don't look good. 

No info on if they can operate or what the course of action, but I had to share this, somewhere. I know you are all doing it tough, but please, any positive energy and prayers ( for thems that do that) that would be for me, send to her. She needs it so much more than I do right now. 

Yours gratefully, 

GA

[Mares73]

Dear GA I'm so sorry about your friend and I will pray in my own way for her as I do for you. I wanted to let you know I listened to that song by X a vier Rudd it's beautiful. I think we would like similar music. I loved that song by Ed Sheeran The A Team & some of Adel & Ryan Adams. Any suggestions? And how are you as things sound tough? My love Mares xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Mares, 

Thankyou.

I would suggest Josh Pyke if you like Xavier Rudds music. Also you like Adele, Christina Perri is a similar style. The others I could suggest is  Lisa Mitchell and Andy Bull.

I'm up and down. Worries about appointments, when I am going to see someone. Thoughts about my friend and how helpless I am to do anything to help her. The general unfairness of life. I don't know.  I just feel melancholy today and a little bit lost. 

GA

[Neil_1]

HI GA

I'm struggling for words right now - but just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and I hope that as today is Saturday it might bring you a tiny slice of hope (and perhaps a vanilla slice as well).

I also hope that the white little ball of fluff will be arriving for you soon.

Hey and HAPPY BIRTHDAY for the other day.  I'm sorry I missed it and I do have to apologise as well - where you wrote:  you woke with a cat draped over your ankles and a present at your bedroom door - my silly mind naturally thought, "present" at your bedroom door / cat lying on your bed - present being the gift of a "number two" at your bedroom door by aforementioned kitty.  But fortunately, that was only my silly mind and the cat is well house trained and the present was indeed a bona fide gift.   Phew, I just had to get that off the old chest.

Cheers

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I am sorry to read about your friend and the tough time you have at the moment. I am sending you a warm hug and a prayer for your friend. Sending positive vibes via cyberspace.

GA, how did your birthday dinner go?

Jo 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

I am struggling for words myself today. Today had just not been good. I got a series of bad messages from the ex this morning, regarding divorce demands and financials. He implied that he has been hard done by because he has been worried about me but now he has heard ( read grilled friends) that I am doing better, supposedly. He asked if Sydney had come back. I didn't tell him about Sydney. I wish he would just leave me alone. On top of that, he lumps me with all these costs saying I have 11 months to pay. I don't owe him half that stuff. 

I hate that he still that has this effect on me. I wish he would just disappear, or I would. So on edge and teary and angry today. 

Then I went to pick up my little fluff ball and she is the most affectionate kitten I have met. She is so adorable, and has barely stopped purring to eat. So at least I have her. Her name is Elsa. I will post a picture soon. 

The appointment situation is terrible, and I am incredibly stressed about that. I have no idea what to do with the ex. I can't even think about that right now. And my friend....I plan to visit her this week. They can operate on the tumour but its not good that it came back so soon. It doesn't bode well for her survival chances. How many operations will it take her to be free? What if she isn't going to make it through one operation? What if they can't operate one time? 

I am going to curl up with my new kitty and try not to think about that, all of that. Any advice would be appreciated, I feel so overwhelmed at the moment. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

Thanx for this recent post - it would have been difficult to write as there's so much that's really hurting you.  I wish you could have seen my face as I was reading your post.  I had my arms crossed over my chest/stomach and an angry look on it, THEN, when you mentioned your very short paragraph about Elsa, I eased up my arm pressure and I changed to have a smile on my face.  I consciously remember doing that - and then it changed back again.

I think for future posts I would LOVE to have a post/thread dedicated to little blondey!!  🙂

How is it that your ex is still being in contact with you?  Is it through that evil thing facebook?  Can you not set something up that will delete any contacts that he tries to make with you?   Damn this stupid technology and social media stuff.

Oh WOW, I just heard my son laugh out loud so big - he's in his room on his favourite computer thing and talking to whoever, and he just laughed massively.  It was like reading about Elsa - instant huge smile on my face.

Sorry for the slight digression - now hang on, if you didn't tell him about Sydney, then who did?  I don't think I read that part quite right?  How does he know?

GA, I know you're one hellishly clever and smart lady - so with him making these allegations that you've got to pay up certain things in whatever time frame, that's really gotta be bs - doesn't it?   And if you're at all unsure, do you know of any lawyer/solicitor who might be able to check this sort of stuff out for you??

With regard to your friend - I know you will worry, that's expected and understandable - that's what makes you such a special, caring and wonderful person.  But all I can say with regard to this, is she is in very good hands.  She's in the absolute right place and receiving all the proper support that she should. 

Dear GA - hang in there and please please, take care my friend.

Neil