Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Mares73]

Dear friend GA, my heart goes out to you. But you know what's amazing about you-your not letting your ex or anyone take away from your resolve to have a happier life-and that is incredibly courageous-to keep stumbling along knowing your go  no in the right direction-even though I don't doubt for a minute you are in deep emotional pain. I haven't got many words of inspiration today but plus know your in my thoughts & all my love X Mares

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

Sorry for the confusion, but he doesn't have my phone number and people who know it are under instruction not to give it to him. I have been receiving messages from him on facebook. He is not on my friends list but can still send me messages. Once we have finalised the lease at the old place and rent still to be paid, I will block him. I am only responding to messages about the leftover lease. Anything else he sends I ignore. He is responding on friends of friends posts, but it is up to them if they want to unfriend him.

The way I figure, if I give him an avenue to contact me like this he won't show up suddenly at my door, or try get my new number. Anytime I don't want to talk to him, I can just ignore the messages and close facebook, which given I don't spend much  time on there it isn't much of an imposition. 

Hi Mares, 

It doesn't feel like going forward. It feels like flailing aimlessly in the air while in free fall. I don't dare hope, or try rebuild. I am waiting for life to stop kicking me down first. Waiting for this free fall to stop. I am sick of trying to get up and getting kicked down again. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Just a small update:

I have  a dentists appointment tomorrow so hopefully at least I will get this tooth sorted. I met the new OT, she will take some gettng used to but I have a follow up appointment on Wednesday to keep the ball rolling. 

I also may have found a new kitty, but waiting for a response to go meet her. 

I am going to sleep now and hope that the morning is beter, or at least less anxious. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I share your hope as well – that today WILL be a better day for you. 

One that is a bit more positive and that you also receive news that you can go and meet this new little fur bundle.  🙂

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

My brain seems to disagree. Seizure early this morning, and  no word from the owner of my potential new kitty. Also got an email only now confirming my  updated details with the microchip people, despite contacting them weeks ago when she disappeared. 

Maybe she has been found and scanned, they just couldn't contact me. 

So yeah, not starting out so good. 

GA

[Bridge]

HI GA

sorry for the break, I have been under my own doona for a few days.  but im out again now,and thankfully feeling much better and ready to plod along again.

I like the cat approach- 2 cats is good, 3 is better.  good thinking.

I plan to be an elderly cat woman when i get older, maybe not to the point that they eat me, but... if they were really hungry...

In reply to the Animals Records people, maybe ring them up and see if they can check if anyone has rung in about sidney? and just check the dates, so you knwo when your change of address was processed,they might have that info recorded and it might be before she went missing.  then you can put your mind at rest.

as for being a student, hey whoa! one thing at a time! get yourself well. then enjoy being well.  Then be a student.  You cant judge an athlete on their prowess with 2 broken legs.  You cant be an excellent student when you cant get out from under the doona  either.  Challenge the Doona first!

glad dentist is happening. did you try any bongela? did it taste worse than cod liver oil?  (If you havent yet tasted cod liver oil try and keep it that way.)

good luck with new kitty- hope they got in touch with you.

we have a new puppy arriving in a few weeks, a training dog for a year, not a permanent. im so looking forwards to it! the last puppy we trained has just moved into her now home with her  new charge, a 5yo non verbal disabled boy, who is very excited about her.  I have a photo of them curled up together asleep in his bed.  suddenly, seeing that photo, all the chewed up shoes and 6 am letting dogs out to pee , and hysterical pups in the park, and damp patches on the carpet, were so worthwhile. now im looking forwards to doing it again.

Bridge

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge, 

I have always considered myself a crazy cat lady in training. When I get my own place, I wanted to help the cat shelter out by fostering. I never thought I would be able to do it because I wouldn't want to let them go, but if I had existing cats of my own then I wouldn't miss them so much. It's so great that you can help those puppies outj and then sending them off to such worthy homes. I can't wait to hear about the new puppy. 

Doonas are beautiful things. I have been firmly enamoured with mine for awhile. I just figure studying would be easier than work right now, and I know what I want to study, whereas I don't know how or where to look for work, or if I even can. But how do I support myself? I could barely do part time work and part time study when I was mentally well. I don't think I could tackle both. Yet my life would feel like treading water if I didn't study. 

I just don't know what to do with my life. I feel bad for everything I take from my friends. What future is there for me if I can't get out of bed some days? 

I didn't end up using bonjela or cod liver oil, but my friend got me Oral Eze, which what the dentists use to numb the gum before they use a needle plus some clove oil. So it basically tastes like  you gargled really strong chai latte. Not bad, but still quite strong. It works a treat though. 

I have antibiotics and a filling/cap thing for a week in the hope the infected tooth will get better. I have an appointment in a week to either say it is ok or get a root canal done if it isn't. The dentist is quite hopeful for saving the truth, and was good about the whole thing, despite my anxiety shakes on the day.

I have a slew of other appointments, new OT, psychiatrist and the last one with my old psychologist. Still no word of an appointment with the new one. I just hope it isn't three weeks away. Three weeks is a long time in my mental state, OT support or no. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Just  a quick update. 

Today was a bit of a rollercoaster. Depressed in the morning, then super anxious for the second meeting with OT, this time at my new local hospital, which I found scary. Probably because terrible thoughts arent far from my mind and this would be the hospital I would be sent to if things were to go well, terribly,  shall we say.

In good news, I managed to budget well enough to get my good friend/housemates 7 y o a birthday present for friday and some new blue hair dye. The blue dye worked magnificently and it is such a lovely bright blue. It will be awesome for my own birthday dinner tomorrow. 

The best news of all is that I am picking my new kitten on friday. We tried to organise it for tomorrow but we had conflicting appointments. 

It is kind of sad though as tomorrow is my last appointment with my old psych. I will miss her, as she has really helped but there is no way in the public system to keep seeing her. I hope the new one is just as good, and has an appointment available soon. 

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, how is the lease situation going at the moment, and please forgive me if I mention something that might have been explained before, it's called a 'brain thing'.

Root canal can be expensive so which tooth is it ( and you probably have already said), but if it's tooth that you can do without, or not any frontal teeth, then I would just pull it out, which is much cheaper, although the dentist will always say to have the root canal because it's more money for him.

What colour is your new kitten, maybe blue or pink, sorry lol, and have you chosen a name for him or her, maybe 'catwomen', sorry I'm been a bit jovial this morning. L Geoff. x

[Jo3]

Hey GA

Blue hair - wow that is cool; is your hair short or long or in between??

I am so happy for you; even though you still have your struggles you just sound a lot happier within yourself.  I can just see it in your writing - budgets going okay, you bought your friends daughter a birthday present and tomorrow it's your birthday.  Any plans? 

 I am happy also that you are getting a new kitten, you will have to tell us the name of him/her.

Yeah, I understand what it's like with last appt with psychs.  I remember I had to change psychs and I said goodbye to my first psych after 2 years, I was bawling while reading him a letter I had written.  Even he shed a tear.  But I'm glad I found another one who is just as good if not better.  So I hope that your new psych will be as good as your old one if not better.  It takes a while to get used to the new one but I am sure you will be fine.

GA, in case I forget tomorrow - I want to wish you a very Happy Birthday!! I wish you all the happiness in the world filled with lots of love and joy and peace within yourself. You deserve every happiness GA, I am sending you a birthday hug.

Have a great birthday tomorrow, I will sing happy birthday to you then.

Take care my friend

chat soon

Jo xxx