Restless and on the verge of cheating

[Matty321]

Hi

I am a 52 year old female currently off work due to illness. I have recently started hrt replacement. I am married to an amazing husband for almost 30’years and have two grown kids. Of recent it’s like I have metamorphosed into a different persons. I am absolutely horny and wanted to have a sexual liaison with someone other than my husband. Admittedly we don’t have a great sex life and he is really trying to please me and improve. However I’m attracted to other men and recently approached a younger guy at gym for a hook up. Fortunately he did not respond but yeh rejection is making me feel more low. I now made contact with my first lover from 30 years back whom I lost my virginity to. He is super eager to reconnect as he is divorced. He lives in a different country and has no appeal to me. But I love the excitement and thrill of this and without it I’m feeling deeply depressed. Despite

knowing I have so much to lose I am still wanting this so badly.it’s almost like I’m playing with fire and want to get burned.

I know if I cheat I can’t go back and it will haunt me but without this excitement I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to or even live. I’m so tired of life.I’ve tried to be sensible blocked the ex today after he said he loves me still and also avoiding the gym guy I propositioned to. So embarrassed when I see him too. Any advice would be great as i am contemplating counselling. Thanks

[Matty321]

Dear Choccie_Snow07

I cannot thank you enough for your detailed reply and for you taking time to read through all the threads. I am very grateful moreso for your understanding and valuable advice. I will definitely take your wonderful suggestions on board.  I appreciate you acknowledging my feelings and also mentioning that this is common and attributing some of the restlessness to the hrt. Thank you!!

This forum has helped me to no end.

To give you an update to atm. So I have cut all ties with ex bf. Good! Actually so put off by him. Good!

Hubby has been super phenomenal and so open to trying out new stuff now and we ended up drinking and dancing last weekend which was invigorating for me. (Have not done this in decades since my pre marriage days). He has been to the dr and sought more advice and is keen to try whatever meds dr has prescribed. The worrying thing is I’m still having these awful thoughts. Even dancing I was so hyped I just wanted to pick someone up! I am consumed with thoughts and a hook up with Mr gym guy who I must say has a lot of integrity. He has stopped coming to gym at the same times as me but oddly enough I feel like he is still around and so many weird chance encounters with him. But this may well  just be my head playing up. I think I’m interested very much in a good chase to get my adrenaline pumping. I also want something young and new. The turn on with hubby is almost nil and I feel terrible! He really really is vested in me and our marriage. He is also not stupid and can sense this new me and hence he’s even trying harder with me.

But all I can think about is hot steamy sex with gym guy. I’m trying and my logical side knows that if I ever step out of line there’s no coming back and the regrets will be forever. I can lose it all. This is where I sit right now daily …. literally on a precipice still. Mind over lust.

[Matty321]

Reading and re reading your post and advice. I

think I can identify with needing some re assurance and self love. I need my self esteem boosted. Both my hubby and ex bf are slathering me with love and attention yet I’m bent on wanting the gym guy who is slinging me with a kind of cold shoulder.

what does this say about me? 
you say that you are in a similar situation? The chase seems so exhilarating the actual experience with someone else may leave lots to be desired I’m guessing. 
but nonetheless my body is aching for this experience..lust is indeed sinister. Dr has checked hrt levels and is happy with that. For certain this surge must come from

that and  a kundalini awakening as well as boredom. Phew it’s hard somedays like today.😀 @Choccie_Snow07

[therising]

Hi Matty

Whether it's related to HRT or some form of soulful awakening, some of the side effects of both have been known to involve increased energy (sacral energy included sometimes), increased imagination and an increase in creativity. Combined, that could look and feel like the sexual goddess in us fully coming to life, capable of leading us to imagine a whole variety of things from which to create. Can also lead to the declaration 'I had no idea I had it/her in me!'.

What came to mind (very strange) was 'Find out how a monk manages sexual urges'. What I discovered in my search was a Buddhist monk who spoke about that as not so much dealing with such urges but understanding how cravings work and how to manage craving. Apparently in Buddhism an intense craving is known as a 'fever'. In a state of exhilaration and great emotional charge, when things reach fever pitch there will be the need for an outlet or release of energy. Attachment or addiction can relate to anything or anyone that may offer a sense of release or relief regarding the intensity of it all. Not suggesting you become celibate and monk-like, it's more so about considering how energy and attachment are managed and mastered in Buddhism. As 2 separate areas of research, they're interesting topics.

Is it possible you could be dealing with 3 separate issues all rolled into 1 - an increase in energy, an increase in imagination and an increase in creativity (with urges for a creative outlet)? Could part of the challenge perhaps involve finding ways to manage 1)hyperactivity, 2)your imagination and 3)creative forms of self expression? How else could you imagine creating channels or outlets for hyperactivity (an enormous amount of energy in motion within you)? Yoga, dancing, singing lessons, sky diving? Maybe even guided meditation, being guided in different directions away from 'gym guy'. Technically you're meditating on him to some degree. Your imagination's guiding you, when it comes to him. The challenge may involve you guiding it, trying to master or tame it. The imagination can be an incredibly wild and out of control thing at times. It can take us in just about any direction, including the wrong direction.

[Matty321]

@therising hi hope you are well. Thx always for the thought provoking input. Have never considered how celibate folks cope so looking at a monks life is somewhat binge eating I guess. Incidentally woke up this morning thinking I’ve done with penetrating sec for so long I can keep going this way to stop pestering hubby 😂.

Yoga ✅ dancing ✅ and both make me feel great. I used to do some mediation with nostril tummy breathing techniques etc so maybe I need it try that too. 
For sure am meditating on gym guy and focus on him is all consuming. Incidentally out wedding anniversary so let’s see how that goes down or up should I say lol. I do have that toy gift 🎁 on hand .

will keep you all updated to this saga.

have a lovely weekend.

[Matty321]

Sorry about the typos 

binge eating = interesting 

sec = sex

out = our

sure you worked it out 😆 

ps just wondering how I would react if I got positive attention from gym guy ?? Is it just the chase and rejection keeping me fixated?🤔

rhetorical!!!

[therising]

Hi Matty

I think a lot of it (the urges of the inner goddess😁) becomes a trial and error and research thing, finding what works and what doesn't. When that part of me came to life for the first time a couple of years ago or so, I thought 'I have no choice but to manage this'. I knew serving myself elsewhere would destroy my husband. He's a fiercely loyal person who can feel so deeply at times and this would have felt soul destroying for him. While my imagination carried me away into daydreams about an ex, reality had to become my focus. Of course, we can bring what we imagine into reality but the question is 'How will it really serve me in reality, especially in the long run?'. The answer: It will not serve anyone, it will only serve the urges.

My way of thinking became 'What work really needs to be done?' while my husband's at work 8-10 hours a day? What am I going to channel all my energy/hyperactivity and imagination into?'. I had a front yard full of weeds, years worth of papers that I'd put off going through, culling and filing. I had an unhealthy amount of weight that needed to go and the list went on. Long story short, I weeded the entire garden over days, went through all those papers, lost the weight (which I managed to put back on) through a lot of workouts (of energy) and I managed so much more. I channeled the hyperactivity into productivity/creativity, creating a weed free garden for example. I grounded and channeled all that energy in what I really needed to. This was one of the most productive times of my life. By the time my husband would get home from work, I'd lost some of that energy to other things, so I was more on his level of energy and less demanding of him, when it came to me vibing so high and expecting so much. We worked on what we could both imagine in the way of intimacy, as opposed to all the things only I could imagine in our relationship. We met each other half way.

Again, it really is a trial and error thing, finding what works. Right back atcha when it comes to having a great weekend.

[Matty321]

Thank you!! Makes me feel comfortable knowing it’s also happened to you and others. But i can do this! ‘Weed my garden’ so to speak. There is too much to lose for short term lust. Will keep you all posted on my anniversary and ‘dirty weekend.’ 😝Ps thank you for helping me focus on all the positives and being grateful for the here and now. Appreciate you.