Restless and on the verge of cheating

[Matty321]

Hi

I am a 52 year old female currently off work due to illness. I have recently started hrt replacement. I am married to an amazing husband for almost 30’years and have two grown kids. Of recent it’s like I have metamorphosed into a different persons. I am absolutely horny and wanted to have a sexual liaison with someone other than my husband. Admittedly we don’t have a great sex life and he is really trying to please me and improve. However I’m attracted to other men and recently approached a younger guy at gym for a hook up. Fortunately he did not respond but yeh rejection is making me feel more low. I now made contact with my first lover from 30 years back whom I lost my virginity to. He is super eager to reconnect as he is divorced. He lives in a different country and has no appeal to me. But I love the excitement and thrill of this and without it I’m feeling deeply depressed. Despite

knowing I have so much to lose I am still wanting this so badly.it’s almost like I’m playing with fire and want to get burned.

I know if I cheat I can’t go back and it will haunt me but without this excitement I don’t feel I have anything to look forward to or even live. I’m so tired of life.I’ve tried to be sensible blocked the ex today after he said he loves me still and also avoiding the gym guy I propositioned to. So embarrassed when I see him too. Any advice would be great as i am contemplating counselling. Thanks

[Matty321]

@therising. Thank you. I value and appreciate your advice and very much. And yes alot of soul searching ahead for me. Even though I’m enjoying this new found energy and passion I need to dial it down so to speak to suit those near and dear. I will try and let you know how I go over the next few weeks. Your scenario as well as lots of podcasts and readings makes me realise this is a common occurrence at this age. I also participated in a menopause live discussion last night where the dr advised that the hrt could even take 3-6 months to even out so maybe it’s time I need. One thing I know is if I do cheat physically,  the dis-appointment I feel will after will outweigh any short term physical pleasure! That’s good to know I guess. It grounds me and hopefully steers me on the straight and narrow. Talk again soon and really appreciate and value your wise thoughts and words. Thank you.

[therising]

Hi Matty

Enjoying chatting with you. You offer me a lot of food for thought. Appreciate the enlightening conversation.🙂

The business of 'coming back to life' is so challenging at times, so incredibly testing. Just when you think you've got it worked out, it's like BAMM, here's another challenge where it's like the powers that be are silently saying (with a smile) 'Have fun working that one out!'.

Completely understandable, your attraction to certain guys who have a particular vibe to them. Like attracts like. High energy attracts high energy. So, there's kind of like a channel of energy there that can feel invigorating. You can just feel it. Channeling everything you've got into it so you can feel it more intensely can definitely be a temptation. Once that energy's dissipated, you're right, you can feel differently, sometimes being left to regret how it was all managed or mismanaged.

You're a powerful person, super charged! Enjoy being 'in charge' and enjoy working out all new ways in which you can manage being in that state of charge. Look forward to hearing about your self discoveries.❤️

[Matty321]

@therising 

Hello hope you are well. I’ve been mia  and I’ll give you an update into why.

Saw dr last week explained the entire debacle. He’s amazing. Did bloods and results today show hrt is on track. He was super supportive and said he will speak to hubby.

Hubby has been phenomenal and I’m too lucky. He’s been patient and really trying. I’m optimistic that things wrt to our sex life will improve with time.

However, I’ve just got to be strong and steadfast with my mind.

Fell off the wagon so to speak yesterday when for some Reason ex bf was able to msg me despite the block. Tempting and ended up chatting to him for over an hour - after three decades. Throughout the conversation I couldn’t help thinking how old and boring and different he was to my fabulous husband. Definitely happy I didn’t end up with him and someone I want to eliminate totally from my life. Blocked deleted totally now!

Also yesterday (must have been on heat) gym person and me clashed after a week of absence. Ended up at the shops together where I briefly apologised again for my advances and propositions. He was civil but very cold. Close up I realised he has no take on my hubby except being younger. My hubby is soooo much smarter and better looking.

So All good to switch me off cold with both these guys, I guess.

Caution : My hubby is also not as naive as I thought and in a way is onto me and seems suspicious. Hence I need to close these feelings totally and focus 100 percent on not destroying our relationship of 30 years. I can do this!!!

@therising Thanks for all the support and you may find me right back here from time to time. You have helped me to no end. I’m very grateful and feel grounded atm. Hopefully it stays this way.

[therising]

Hi Matty

Everything sounds like progress. So glad. Hard business gradually learning new things about our self and raising our self at times, hey 😊

[Matty321]

@croix hi not sure if you’ve been following this thread. Just to let you know dr has tested my bloods and said hrt is right on track. He offered me an option to alternate the meds but was happy with how my body is responding to it. In his words he didn’t make me too feminine lol! 
hopefully a resolution for me soon. 

[Matty321]

@therising you are correct! So difficult navigating these urges and temptations. I hope I find the strength. 

[Croix]

Dear Matty321~

Yes, I've been reading, however you seem to be doing pretty well and I did not have much more to say than Therising has already said.

I guess you now  have that rather difficult  set of choices to make, your brain and hopefully  affection tells you your hubby is someone ot be cherished (even if he has his suspicions) but your body wants to reach out to new experiences.

I think in a way you have already discovered the grass is not greener, your ex boyfriend is old and boring compared to you husband and the person at the gym is not understanding and now cold.

I believe having a partner that wants to please you, even if they do not share the enjoyment in quite the same way is gold, and I hope you reach satisfactory accommodations with each other.

You know you are welcome here anytime.

Croix

[Matty321]

To @croix and @therising feel very grateful to you both for being grounding in my time of need. God bless. 

[Choccie_Snow07]

Hello,

First things first, do not judge yourself. It is completely natural to feel this way. So many people experience this through relationships, including myself at the moment, so I do understand to a degree how you must be feeling.

One way to look it is this: I have a need or needs not being met. Firstly, it is important to identify - what is this need/s? More intimacy with my husband? More of the 'thrill' and 'chase?' Or does it go deeper than this - e.g., the context and nature of your intimacy with your husband perhaps needs a revamp, or despite being a wonderful man you possibly feel that your husband isn't really delivering what you are needing in the bedroom. I feel transparent conversations would be helpful to happen here if these being the case, communication is key to working together on addressing what is going on. Firstly, identify what needs are not being met, then have a brainstorm on the types of things that could help address these needs going unmet in the relationship, but also yourself. Are there internal factors at play here? Some examples could be difficulties with feeling alone, people-pleasing, needing external validation etc. Practice self-compassion here without judgment, and again think about how you can address these factors in how this may be playing out in your relationship and life in the context of the situation you are describing here.

You can then break these down into some goals and tasks for how you and your hubby can go about working towards addressing these needs. Do this together. There will undoubtedly be three categories: goals/tasks for YOU, goals/tasks for HIM, and goals/tasks for you BOTH TOGETHER. 

Being this is a sensitive topic and undoubtedly it would be difficult for the both of you to hear and talk about, also give thought to how this conversation can be approached in a gentle way so as to minimise the emotional harm. You could even consider a bit of a script to start you off, one that is intentional, compassionate, but also goal and solutions focussed. If you are stuck for how you can approach this, I would suggest reaching out to a counsellor e.g., Beyond Blue as they may be able to help you with a bit of an approach and scripting as I am sure you are mindful of hurting your hubby's feelings. You can even use ChatGPT and AI for things like this too! They sure are good writers lol.

Another thing to consider is if there are any barriers or concerns your hubby has that may be playing a role in how he feels about himself, and conversely, how he then "performs." I would suggest introspection on his behalf is important here too, a close look at his unmet needs within himself and his relationship with you, and to add these to the tasks/goals that you come up with together.

It may even be helpful to access some relationship counselling together. In conjunction with this, it may also be helpful to have some individual support too as you navigate this journey coming back together. We all have our own inner work to do, the results of this often flowing into our relationships too. If this is inaccessible or unaffordable, I would say there are free services out there at your local community organisations e.g., Anglicare, Salvation Army etc. Relationships Australia will likely have some resources too so be sure to look them up 🙂

You did the right thing by pulling yourself up and away from opportunities like your ex and the guy at the gym. It sounds like your inner voice and intuition knew there would be implications that wouldn't be so good for you, and your hubby. You have insight, are able to be proactive and preventative, and have great discipline. These are huge strengths, so remind yourself of this rather than shaming yourself. Opportunities will always present themselves - the main thing is to look at strategies that will help you in these moments. Only you can work out what works for you. For example, mindfulness and redirection. When you notice yourself having certain feelings, urges, intrusive thoughts about other people, observe these and accept them without judgment (remembering the more you resist the more it will persist!). Then redirect to something else to think about or something else you can focus on instead. I highly recommend the leaves on a stream meditation for anxiety and intrusive thoughts - it is a mindfulness-based meditation taken from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) designed to help us notice thoughts without fusing or attaching to them. 

To be continued below.....

[Choccie_Snow07]

Continued from previous reply......

Please acknowledge and accept without judgment that your HRT is likely playing a HUGE role in how you are feeling and your change in libido etc. I would suggest speaking about this with your treating doctor to see if there are any alterations that can be made, or if there are any resources they can provide you and your partner to navigate this treatment and the changes/side effects. Your body is going through a lot - don't shame or judge it for doing something it is meant to be doing 🙂 

I wish you all the very best and hope you find something useful from what I have shared. I am more than happy to chat further if you wish, and know that you are not alone 🙂