Renting, moving interstate and teenage daughter.

[LosingFaith]

Hi guys,

I am in need of some advice.

I am 40 yrs old with lots of medical problems. I have a 16 yr old still living at home, 2 cats and 1 dog. I have been in a long distance relationship now for almost 2 years. I currently rent a property which is going on the market and I don’t really want to stay here.

I’m not working but I’m currently studying to better myself.
My 16 yr old doesn’t like my partner and has major anxiety/anger issues that I am trying to cope with.

I want to move interstate to be with my girlfriend, to have a better life etc, but my daughter won’t allow me to. She says if I move interstate she wont come and she’ll take the animals and either live with her dad or older sister. She also refuses to go to school, she doesn’t have any friends, she won’t leave the house unless she really has to etc. She constantly argues with me, tells me to leave my partner and to find someone else. We currently see a psychologist for her issues but she thinks she doesn’t need to.

I miss my girlfriend, my daughter won’t cooperate with me, I don’t have a mum to talk to, my nan and Aunty have their own issues and my eldest daughter just doesn’t understand.

With everything going on, my mental health has deteriorated. I’m not coping very well at all.

Do you think I’m being selfish for wanting to move in with/move closer to my partner?

[LosingFaith]

Hi Croix,

Thank you again for your reply.

Yes, I still have a lot going on at the moment. Even though I have a roof over my head and I’m safe, that is all that matters.

I had my first session with my councillor on Thursday. It went okay, although talking on the phone isn’t my forte and I found it a bit hard. Hopefully in time I can have face to face appointments.

As for my Ex girlfriend, she’s not a bad person. I still love and care about her, even after everything we’ve been through. It just hurts me knowing that I was doing everything within my power to keep our relationship alive and she called me a liar. I was going through so much and for her to block me at the lowest point in my life was uncalled for. I just needed time.
I don’t hold grudges, life is too short for that. So, I wrote her a letter last Saturday morning and I was planning on mailing to her but I never sent it. It’s still sitting in my notebook.
I then received a text from her that night telling me that she still loves and cares for me but things can never be the same. I haven’t replied. I was hurt badly and I’m still trying to recover.

Since I last spoke here, I’ve had another few panic attacks. One at the shops. I had an argument with some random woman. I was nearly going to knock her out. She just couldn’t mind her own business. Then, My Aunty had been on my back about my daughter who’s currently living with her. One minute she tells me I need to get my daughter sorted but then tells me not to be there. She then told me I need to get my housing situation sorted so my daughter can come back and live with me, then told me she was going to report me for fraud. Honestly, I don’t even know what she’s talking about. I have done nothing wrong. I have now blocked all communication from her because I couldn’t handle anymore. I actually had to take my anxiety medication that night so I could calm down.

I have recently been trying to make friends in the gay community and have been talking to a few people online. I’ve even had offers of people wanting to start a relationship with me. I just can’t do it. I can’t be in a relationship if I’m still in love with my ex. It just won’t work. They are not my ex. We really had something special and I don’t think I’ll ever have that with anyone else. It’s painful.

Sorry that this is a bit off topic for your reply. This is just what’s on my mind at this time.

[Croix]

Dear LosingFaith~

You are not off topic, after all it is your thoughts and problems that are what this is all about.

Lots of things going on, however I get the feeling you are starting to cope better. It's a pity about voice-only therapy, do you think you could request video too? It only takes a smartphone at your end, my psych now uses Skype, which is a great improvement on voice only as I find I relate a lot better when I can see and be seen.

Does your councilor have any views on your panic attacks? I used to have them for a long time and had no instant means of stopping them, however as my stress and anxiety reduced they tended not to happen.

Your auntie sounds a right pain, inconsistent and accusatory, a rest from her might be a good idea at the moment. When things have settled down and you are in a position to look after you daughter that might work out. By then your daughter might have come to realise how things have been for you and that your Auntie is not that easy to live with. What do you think?

I expect your ex has said it all. After this I'd be surprised if things could go back to a better place, particularly as it was worries over her conduct in your relationship that brought you here in the first place. Maybe she is not a bad person, that does not mean she is the right one for you - what is your feeling?

I would think talking to others in the gay community is a good means of feeling less alone and more feeling understood. It does not mean you are ready for another relationship, just that human contact helps.

I talk with my partner and my psych about the more deep things, but can enjoy just chatting with others on lighter topics too, it broadens things out and makes me worry a bit less

Croix