Relationship strain - pressure to propose

[batticus]

Hi all

I need help. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years now. We've had a relationship with lots of ups and downs. Early in, we had issues with intimacy - I was on anti-depressants- unfortunately that resulted in difficulties on my part - she took this very personally and became extremely upset and angry. I was screamed at on more than one occasion. This resulted in a phobia of sorts of intimacy that I still struggle with. For the almost 5 years we've been together, we were not physically intimate for most of that time. It's only been in the last few weeks that we've actually started being physically intimate, in the normal sense. Super pleased with this break-through though.

The above never stopped me from loving her and we in spite of those issues, we have stayed together. I've worked very hard to try and resolve my issues - I have pre-existing moderate/severe depression, and have generally managed that well. She is a lovely person, although certainly not low maintenance - often things have to be done on her terms. This is something I've so far been able to manage, and despite there being some seriously bad times in the relationship I stayed, and we for the most part have worked through these things.

A couple of years ago as a last ditch attempt to make her happy during a very dark period with her- I put an engagement ring on layby. I know this was a bad decision in hindsight, but I though that if I could prove to her I loved her enough, she would reciprocate I guess and make me feel loved.

She was upset last weekend, as she didn't think we were going anywhere. She is 36 and I am 28. I love her, but I'm just not ready. We don't live together yet- we have only just started to round the corner of those physical intimacy issues. Up to that conversation I was happy with how things were going. Now I feel like I am under so much pressure.

My anxiety and depression has started to spiral out of control in the last few days. I want to make all the effort I can to give her what she wants, but I don't want to do something I'm simply not ready to do just yet.

I'm seeing my counsellor next week, but I'm just struggling with the pressure I'm feeling. I keep ruminating about what I should do/shouldn't do/what will be/won't be. It's like a whirlpool in my head I can't seem to escape from. I have no clarity and no plan and feel entirely hopeless. I can't bare to lose her as I love her so, but at the same time I want to propose when we've reached that point.

[batticus]

Hi Rx

I guess the sick to the stomach feeling is from not knowing how she's going to take it

In a perfect world she'd be open to committing to a life here in Tassie with me. I realise there's a possibility she won't be agreeable to this. I'm tired of the arguing and having to explain myself all the time. There's a feeling of uncertainty looming over me , it's incredibly draining

But I agree we need to try it for real first - I don't think that's a unrealistic course of action , in fact I think it's very normal.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah right l see. Unfortunately no way around that one eh.

l certainly know about uncertainty been living with that one a couple of yrs myself now.

Some couples would be fine without trying things although pretty rare these days not to live together l suppose too but in your cases yeah, think you really should.

Good luck on the wkend anyway. rx

[batticus]

A rather torturous anti-climactic weekend sadly

I have a job interview tomorrow so we agreed to leave talking things through until later. I'm thinking it'll likely be next weekend. See what happens. I feel very knotted up. Having all this happening at the same time as getting ready for a job interview is too much

Thanks for your kind words Rx

[Guest_1584]

Good luck with the interview.

And relax man, just relax , be yourself , you'll be fine.

rx

[smallwolf]

@batticus - good luck at the job interview. Hope it goes well for you. Sorry about what you wrote on this thread and the other thread about your relationship up in air. It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things in talking about where you are at etc.

On the relationship ... is it a case of things moving faster than you like? differences in what you want in marriage? same or different goals? I noticed she wants to move interstate. (And then I know someone who is married and the husband and wife live separately.) It is good to hear you have a counsellor you can talk to about all of this stuff.

Wish you well

[batticus]

Hi smallwolf

Thanks so much, I hope it goes well. It's a job that's out in the suburbs as opposed to the CBD. Will be nice to not have to pay for parking all the time etc. Plus it's a nice place to work - I did a traineeship there year and years back and would love to be back.

I'm trying as hard as I can to do the right things and stay positive. It's just a really unpleasant time right now. I'm hoping there's going to be some sort of resolution sooner or later.

Re the relationship; the main deal-breaker for me is moving interstate. Most other things I can cope with and work around. Being here in Tassie means the world to me. I have my friends, family, work etc. My entire support network that keeps me safe and well is here. Moving interstate would be nothing short of catastrophic. I know some people thrive on that sort of change, I'm not one of them!

My next councillors appointment isn't till mid next month unfortunately but I have a very patient Mum that helps me at times when things get too much. She is truly a life saver. (as are the fine people on this forum too).

[geoff]

Hello Batticus, there is nothing worse than the 'silent treatment', I had to suffer from this for years and normally I'd be the one to succumb to her ideas, sometimes this was achievable, other times not so as it may not have worked out.

If she is wanting you to make all the hard decisions, then that's not fair on you because if something does go wrong, then it's going to take an extra effort to stop the silent treatment, which I'm not sure you want.

As you have said 'Moving interstate would be nothing short of catastrophic' and I'm no different, I hate moving towns, let alone interstate, I couldn't do that, especially as no one knows what's going to happen to COVID, one day a state is clear, then suddenly they're in lockdown, so a good reason to stay in Tassie.

If an amicable resolution can't be resolved over this, then life has so many decisions that are needed to be made in the future and each one can't involve the silent treatment, then nothing will be decided on, sorry it's just a situation I didn't like at all.

Geoff.

[batticus]

Thanks Geoff

The silent treatment is horrible for sure. It's a sure way to torture someone. It's particularly bad because my dad used to do that to us as kids if we did something he didn't like. It makes me feel very low.

The part that is really hurting is not knowing. She's been very helpful and supporting re. my job interview today and I"m very grateful for that, but it makes me feel sick knowing that depending on how she responds to my concerned about moving interstate, this could all be over.

I'mt scared of how bad my depression has become in the last week or so. I'm going to my GP tomorrow to access the mental health treatment plan. Feeling this low really frightens me. I need to try and look after myself if nothing else for the time being.