Relationship strain - pressure to propose

[batticus]

Hi all

I need help. I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years now. We've had a relationship with lots of ups and downs. Early in, we had issues with intimacy - I was on anti-depressants- unfortunately that resulted in difficulties on my part - she took this very personally and became extremely upset and angry. I was screamed at on more than one occasion. This resulted in a phobia of sorts of intimacy that I still struggle with. For the almost 5 years we've been together, we were not physically intimate for most of that time. It's only been in the last few weeks that we've actually started being physically intimate, in the normal sense. Super pleased with this break-through though.

The above never stopped me from loving her and we in spite of those issues, we have stayed together. I've worked very hard to try and resolve my issues - I have pre-existing moderate/severe depression, and have generally managed that well. She is a lovely person, although certainly not low maintenance - often things have to be done on her terms. This is something I've so far been able to manage, and despite there being some seriously bad times in the relationship I stayed, and we for the most part have worked through these things.

A couple of years ago as a last ditch attempt to make her happy during a very dark period with her- I put an engagement ring on layby. I know this was a bad decision in hindsight, but I though that if I could prove to her I loved her enough, she would reciprocate I guess and make me feel loved.

She was upset last weekend, as she didn't think we were going anywhere. She is 36 and I am 28. I love her, but I'm just not ready. We don't live together yet- we have only just started to round the corner of those physical intimacy issues. Up to that conversation I was happy with how things were going. Now I feel like I am under so much pressure.

My anxiety and depression has started to spiral out of control in the last few days. I want to make all the effort I can to give her what she wants, but I don't want to do something I'm simply not ready to do just yet.

I'm seeing my counsellor next week, but I'm just struggling with the pressure I'm feeling. I keep ruminating about what I should do/shouldn't do/what will be/won't be. It's like a whirlpool in my head I can't seem to escape from. I have no clarity and no plan and feel entirely hopeless. I can't bare to lose her as I love her so, but at the same time I want to propose when we've reached that point.

[geoff]

Hello Batticus, thanks for your comment and the support you have been given.

You say 'you feel guilty for what I can't give her what she wants ', a relationship needs to be caring for each other, sure there are times when we want to spoil our partner which is very much appreciated but to place demands on what one believes should happen without any discussion, especially if you aren't living together needs to be spoken about.

There are two of you and you should be happy with what decision is made between the two of you because living together everything does change.

Take care.

Geoff.

[batticus]

Thanks again everyone for the replies

Rx- yes it's been hard- the intimacy component of the relationship hasn't been easy. It has been mostly on her terms. At times I found it incredibly depressing and draining. Loving someone but never being able to express that in a normal way. I guess the important thing is this component of the relationship is finally starting to happen, for a while there I thought it may well never happen. I agree, the fact we've both stuck this out does speak volumes. You are right though, I am prioritising her happiness over mine. Truth be told I don't even know what would make me happy, it's not something I've really spent much time thinking about. This is something I need to address with my counsellor.

Thanks Geoff for your kind words. That's one of my concerns, ultimately we will be living together if we're to get married, and we need to have a shared vision of what that will look like. From the last talk we had, her idea of married life was different to mine. My view is that in marriage we should be a team, obviously still having our own interests still, but the capacity to take interest in each-others respective interests and ultimately living a shared life. Her idea seemed to be more that we'd be co-inhabiting a space, but very much doing our own thing.

I think the problems from my end boil down to three things;

- Differing ideas of what married life will be - I am sure this can be worked out though.

- Her desire to potentially move states - this is harder to resolve - my mental health situation makes this extremely difficult. Also, there is no apparent reason to move states. We both have good jobs and have family here. This could be a big issue.

- Lack of support with my mental health issues. I'm pretty stable but when I need the support from my partner, it's not always there. I don't expect her to be my counsellor or anything but there is a lack of understanding and empathy which means I can't always depend on her for support if I'm having a rough patch. This isn't a deal-breaker living here, but if we moved interstate and I lose my support network of friends and family - this will be a huge problem.

It's a lot to process but we need to ultimately talk these things through. I haven't communicated any of my needs clearly to her, and finally I'm starting to do that. We need to be on the same page if we have any hope of this working out.

[white knight]

I think your nailing it down better than when you first posted.

Going to counseling yourself will help a lot but if she doesn't go that highlights a concern.

How far will she go to work at the relationship?

TonyWK

[batticus]

Hi Tony

I think the panic element of this situation has calmed down and thanks to yourself and the other kind people here I've been able to gain some clarity of thought. I've spent a bit of time with my partner too and in terms of the relationship -we have plenty of positives to work with.

I think it's very unlikely she will attend any form of counselling. Ages ago with our issues with intimacy, I was the one who sought counselling. Issues that took years to improve could have been resolved so much faster if we both were involved.

I will certainly give her the opportunities and invite her to actively be a part of working through this, it's not something that I can sort out by myself.

[white knight]

Fabulous. You can update us if you need further help or whatever.

Thankyou

TonyWK

[batticus]

Thanks Tony

I think the main thing that bothers me is the feeling of anxiety that lingers - knowing more hard conversations need to be had, and not necessarily knowing when/how they will happen. While I've kind of rationalised what I'm feeling, I still have this sick feeling, and chest pain that just simply won't quit.

I look back on the time we've spent together and there have been many great times, many awful times too. We've managed to somehow keep it together this long. I've been told by people that she isn't really good for me- and the balance of the relationship is out of whack. They're probably right to a point, but the thought of not being with her anymore is frankly terrifying to me.

Seeing my counsellor tomorrow morning so I can hopefully talk some of these worries through. I'm just so tired of this anxious feeling, it's making everything so hard.

[batticus]

I saw my counsellor last week, it's put things in perspective a bit. The long and short of it is that I've expressed to her what my needs are - I'm happy to progress our relationship but if she won't compromise on moving away the relationship won't work. My counsellor made the point of mentioning that moving is a very stressful thing to do - for any relationship - even the healthiest of relationships will experience some strain. Given our situation, I know that it just won't work - even if I was to agree to move away with her. Basically at the end of the day, she needs to decide what she wants to do - I don't think she's completely figured that out yet.

I'm giving what I can to the relationship now, doing what I can to make things better. That's really all I can do for now. What is hard is this feeling of uncertainty, that at any moment things could suddenly change. It's very hard knowing that if she were to agree to stay here with me, I would be happy to keep the relationship moving and in the short/mid-term propose to her. But without that, I'm kind of stuck. We will have to talk about this at some point.

That uncertainty is causing me so much anxiety it's getting in the way of everything. I feel on edge and in a state of panic most of the time now. I have also lost weight as I don't have much of an appetite any more. I'm trying to distract myself as much as I can from this but nothing works.

[white knight]

Hi again

Good progress there mate.

A story might help. I'm 65yo but in my 20's I had a 7 year defacto relationship.

Over those 7 years my partner left me about 150 times. About twice a week. Sh'ed leave a note telling me she was leaving me and to live with her mother. She had serious psychiatric issues. She had a toddler son.

I love her that much that I tolerated it, but it cause great sorrow. I wanted marriage, my own child etc. My parents were also pressurising me in the days of getting married by 25yo.

After 6 years of this I visited a counselor. He suggested a number of things-

• that love can cover many things but one serious flaw can cause the relationship to not work out
• that most people have limits, I had to find mine
• That just because I'm in love doesnt mean I can love and be loved just as much with someone else
• That sometimes love needs testing. He used a metaphor for this but basically he meant that if I broke up with her and it was strong enough, her love would draw her towards me
• That love between both parties isnt always equal

I decided to give her a massive chance- one whole year to sort her life out. One year later, even though the relationship was going ok (but still leaving me often) I asked her the question "have you thought about the ultimatum I gave you 12 months ago today"? She had forgotten about it. I took that in the negative in that she should have had it on her mind. She was still confused and non committal.

Driving away that night was one of the hardest acts of my life.

Six months later I saw her car at a shop. I waited. She arrived, hugs. During that catch up I asked her a few questions-

• Have you found someone else (her non answer and vacant stare told me she had) as did the answer to the next question "I assume you are living with him"?
• "have you broken it off by leaving a letter"? she said "umm yes I have"

I expressed that I felt sorry for the guy. We parted ways and I felt much better knowing that my often guilty conscience was not justified.

I married 2 years later and that lasted 11 years. Had a 10 years partner that didnt work out and now married a second time for 10 years and we are very happy.

I've loved each partner as much as the original partner and have been loved as much. But it goes to show...it isnt the end of the world only the beginning of your life in the ambition to find a partner that compatibility reins supreme.

I commend you for seeking professional help.

TonyWK

[batticus]

Update on current situation

GF is still very unhappy. She was giving me silent treatment. The more I tried to ask what was happening the angrier she became. It was about marriage/future of relationship. We had a brief argument; I articulated that before marriage I would like us to be living more like a couple. Currently we mainly see each-other on weekends only. This was on Wednesday night. She said we'd talk more Saturday.

I've been thinking it through and I've decided that I am open to progressing the relationship to that next stage in the short/medium term but I don't want to move interstate. She often leaves it to me to be the one to make hard decisions.

I can deal with the other issues in the relationship, but moving interstate where I have zero friends, no obvious employment prospects, and most importantly for me - no family, is not something I can do.

We are going to talk Saturday about this and I'll put it to her. She can take her time to decide, but ultimately it's her choice.

I feel sick in the stomach but I think that is normal given the circumstances

[Guest_1584]

Yeah , like WN with his ex she expected you to be thinking about it all like he did the same.Women are very wary about wasting time.

Just wondering , can you understand why and what it's about you feeling sick to the stomach ?

Anyway , in your case op yeah l'd def think you should live together before marriage with such little time and real life together yet rocky so far. l think you two have to try this for real first.

gOOD luck . rx