Relationship over - 10 years

[Wookie123]

Hi all, 

after 10 years together, my partner ended our relationship 2 weeks ago. At first it didn’t seem real, but today we chatted and she said doesn’t want to come back. Her reason is she’s just unhappy and not sure what she wants.

I’m genuinely struggling, I just don’t know what to do. I’m 43, no kids and now feels like I have nothing to show for my life. 
mornings, and especially nights have been hard. Eating dinner, that basically doesn’t happen as I can’t think of a time in 10 years we haven’t sat down together.  I just sit and cry.

I don’t have a big circle of friends, my family support is not the best. Work colleagues have been good, but with all this is still feel very lonely. So very lonely.

what I can’t understand is that if she doesn’t know what she wants, why do I have to be the sacrificial one? Why me? It just hurts so much 

[sgo84]

Hi there, im not here to give advice , I was going to right a post as today was not a great day for me to. After reading your post it really felt like it related to me as Im in a similar situation. I was in a 20 year relationship with 3 children. It been 4 months now after being told the same thing as you. I feel for you the early days were definitely the worst for me aswell. Unfortunately I still dont have the answers either but over time the horrible days have decreased slightly and I am hopeful it gets easier . Keep your chin up and look after yourself . I have found talking about seems to help me on the bad days as hard as it is.

[Wookie123]

Hi sgo84,

I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. It feels so lonely at the moment, I’m struggling to know where to turn and just getting a reply here is nice. My heart remains broken, but the reply is nice all the same.

I just don’t know what to do. The last two weeks I have been so up and down, I blurted out so much at time so have no idea what I’m saying. My emotions are just so high.

She was/is my best friend. The one I turned to if ever in trouble or needed help. My sense of loss is enormous, right now I just can’t picture life without her. 

[Dean07]

Hi there.

Sorry to hear your situation.

3 weeks ago I has a similar thing happen. 30 yr marriage 2 kids and we decide it's over. More driven by my wife. It's a bit of a shock to say the least and has taken time to realise that it really going to happen.

I found looking up articles on resilience, surviving a divorce and the stages of grief helpful. Called a couple of helplines when I felt overwhelmed. They were FANTASTIC. Completely anonymous and had helpful suggestion for coping. It's also nice to just talk to someone when you feel lonely.

Told our adult kids last Friday which as one of the worst things I've had to do.

When I was sure there was no going back that made it easier for me. It was difficult but I tried to concentrate on what I needed to do to make my future happen. Telling the kids made it seem real.

I have seen a psychologist, joined an online men's group and asked for support from family and friends. You will be surprised at how many people you know have been through a similar situation. You don't have to do it alone. I've scheduled time to meet up with friends and family so I'm not sitting around on my own thinking.

I have decided to feel the emotions rather than bottle then up. I feel them, accept them but not get stuck in them if I can. This has been very helpful for me. Knowing and expecting to feel strong emotions, knowing his is normal and part of the grieving process.

[quirkywords]

Wookie

welcome to the forum. 
sgo84 and  Dean 07 have replied with kindness, experience and helpful suggestions.

Dean has mentioned helplines and joining a mens group which are online and in real life. 
I found writing down my feelings when I feel overwhelmed  rather than bottling. Simply acknowledging your feelings can help. You are in shock so at the moment it is getting through the day and night,

You are not alone Wookie, and we are listening to you. 
This is a supportive place where you can come and chat as often as you like.

[Wookie123]

Hello all,

Thankyou again for the kind words and advice, every bit helps and hearing from complete strangers is amazing.

It hasn’t  been long since i first posted, or from the separation itself, so my feelings are all the same and very raw. Nights are the hardest by far, I’m trying to keep busy but at some point bedtime does come and thats just difficult. I always appreciated my partner, but never truly knew how much I would ever miss a simple thing like a cuddle from her at night. These small things are what I’m missing the most each and everyday 

[Alice_md13]

Dear Wookie123, the situation is far from being great and unfortunately, majority of us go through it for various reason. On the day my husband of 12,6 yrs walked out from our family home, I've had a job interview that morning. Walking into the office and being greeted by my potential new employer was nerve wrecking and when asked how my day was so far, I've honestly replied what has just happened few hours prior. Needless to say, I got an offer the same day with the condition the company is happy to wait as long as need be until I finalise my refinance process, so when I arrived home, along with overwhelming feeling I have failed as the wife, I knew I smashed it as an employee. That kickstarted my healing like you won't believe. I didn't end up taking up that offer as I figured too many changes in such short period of time probably not the best idea but kept the contract as a memento that I'm worthy and the divorce cannot be entirely blamed on me. I'm not suggesting to take such drastic actions but if there is anything you can think of you're great at, pursue it, take another level, show the world what a fantastic person you are. It will distract you, doesn't matter for how long, but even a little respite is better than constant thinking about what has gone wrong. Healing will be long and painful but trust me, you'll reach the stage when life will take over and the past will be nothing but distant memories. Wishing you all the very best!!!

[Lauren_87]

Hi Wookie123,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, please know that you are not alone.

Divorce is such a very difficult thing to go through, I have been through one also. Please don't hesitate to reach out to friends and work colleagues. I would also recommend counselling to help process things. I found Facebook groups were great for finding support as well.

Is there something that you enjoy doing that you could put some focus on? Perhaps even something like going for a walk, playing sport, joining a gym, joining a mens group etc. I'm not sure what you have available in your area but it might be worth looking into. Start off on small goals.

I know it may seem like things will never get easier but I promise you that with time, things will get better. Please look after yourself.

[Wookie123]

Hi all 

I haven’t posted for a little bit, but I’m having a tough night. I can’t explain it, but I got home and just cried. I mean, I really bawled my eyes out. Been just over a month since we separated, the nights are proving really, really difficult. Without anyone around, it’s so lonely and hard to eat. Just me and the dog. 
I’m exercising, therapy, seen a gp, talking to friends. It all feels in vein at the moment. 
I know I gotta keep pushing through, love really does hurt 🥲

[Cordyline]

Hi there,

My husband walked out last year, we'd been together for 30 years. I can honestly say I know how you are feeling.i spent months grieving every day, searching for how to fix my marriage websites, podcasts and books. 

Today is the first day I've cried since Sunday, so I'm having a mini cheer that I'm steadily getting stronger. One thing that is/ has helped me, every morning I've set the alarm a little earlier and I've taken time to just lay and pat my dog while I wake up steadily, it seems to help fight away the anger, frustration and sadness that I still wake to each day.

I'm trying to exercise more, walking the dog in the dark is better than sitting home alone. It's also super important to connect with friends, reach out and see who wants to go to pub trivia etc... I've joined a book club and make more time for friends. 

Sorry, no sparkling pearls of wisdom but hang in there.