Relationship Failing - desperate for advice
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years and in the past 5 years we have had more ups and downs than you can imagine. From emotional affairs, lying about alcohol and money, debt collectors turning up on the door step - you name it, he’s done it.
About 6 months ago I found out he had kissed another woman - to me, that is cheating, he says it’s just a kiss. He was cold and distant for a few months before and I should have known something was going on. He didn’t come clean, I found messages from this married woman / they met on a “chat site”. On our wedding anniversary too - classy!
I have been working on forgiveness because he said he wanted to make it work. I admit, I’ve been paranoid about his whereabouts and constantly ask where he is and who he is with, but it’s because I’m hanging on by a thread when he isn’t home.
On the weekend we had a disagreement and he has told me he doesn’t love me at all, has no feelings for me and he was leaving me because he doesn’t want to try - he just wants an easy relationship and there is no attraction at all.
I am beyond devastated. I love this man more than anything and I don’t know what I’ve done. He can’t communicate with me, he has anger issues, is an alcoholic and no friends to help him through. He says he hates coming home because of me. I am not perfect and I don’t profess to be, and I want to go back to how we used to be.
We spoke last night and I stooped so low as to beg him to try and fix this, but I’m so scared he only agreed to shut me up and because he has nowhere to go.
I don’t want him to be unhappy, I love him more than I should given everything that has happened. How do I make him want to love me again? Anyone had experience and know what I can do? I don’t want to admit it, but am I kidding myself that this is just another speed bump in the road that we can get over?
After being together since we were 17, he is all I know and I feel like my insides are being torn apart by the second at the thought of losing him.
He won’t do counseling - he thinks it’s a waste of money, and his family are no help.
I want him to have a wonderful life so any advice on how to help him with his issues and to help me make him fall in love with me again would be helpful!
thanks, from a ‘desperate fulltime working house wife’
Were sorry to hear that you are going through such a painful time with your husband. It sounds like you have gone through so much with him and blaming yourself for much of what has happened. It's understandable that you would be devasted by what he has said to you in times of angst. We recognise that it can be difficult for him to work through his stuff when there is refusal to seek support. This can make things very challenging as he would need to be accountable for his actions in order to progress.
There are supports for you such as MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/. You can also call them if you wish to have some adivice on how you may be able to support him.
We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.
If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.
It's great that you turned to this community. You do not have to deal with this alone and we are here to support you.
Welcome to the forum and for stepping up and speaking out about your concerns, you should appreciate yourself for that. From what you have said, I believe that you are experiencing a lot of emotions, confusion and left wondering what to do.
I don't like to assume things, however, it sounds like you two are struggling to get anywhere in your life as a couple. Things may have gone sour, things might have become the norm or in other words, your partner is getting bored, irritated and maybe feeling somewhat lonely.
By you "begging" for him means that you have given him full control over you and he may now use that to get what he wants. What can you change to improve things?
I would start by looking at yourself and analysing how you have changed since meeting him at the age of 17. Look at what the dynamic of your relationship is and then figure out what your actions will be or what you are going to do to change your situation. Now, you don't have to change yourself, this is about ironing out the little bugs that don't benefit either of you.
You want fulfillment, you want him to respect you and love you more everyday, however, what you need to do is stop giving him so much. This means putting yourself before him, this means, not giving him any credit for his bad behaviour and this means showing him that you are independent but at the same time, showing him that you care, support and appreciate him. You have to show him (especially yourself) that you are an independent person and that you are caring, supporting and loving.
Be kind to each other, learn to not give him the reactions that he wants and be the best, most amazing person that you can be - for the both of you. Live.
Let us know how you are doing, this is a safe place.
Be brave, be strong.
Specialist in being human.
Thank you for the advice - I think you are pretty accurate in all you have said.
I feel like I am quite independent- I work hard and have a great relationship with my family and friends. I do wonder if he resents that I have that and he doesn’t. I am also very good with finances and I think I make him feel less masculine as I always control this for us.
Is there anything I should do more of on the day to day? Or less of? I get up before him to make lunches and coffee for the morning because if I don’t he doesn’t eat. I do it because I care and when I remind him of all the things I do when he says I do nothing, he just says he doesn’t ask me too.
Im very lost and confused and just need some ideas of how to be caring, supportive and appreciate whilst also not doing things for him. I feel like I can’t win.
Hi lonely wife,
it seems im reading so many of these stories on here that are so similiar to mine . Yes the coldness and distance that was a sure sign my partner was up to something too but i had too much trust to think that he was meeting with others. He denied it all of course and he still denies it and tells me im the one who needs to go to a mental home.. I luckily found telephone bills oneday with all the numbers to services and girls that lived locally to us, in one day alone he rang over 50 in a 6 hour time frame while he was driving around supposingly working
I also feel literally sick when he leaves the house not knowing where he is going , who he is visiting. And i cant even go away for a weekend to visit my family because im to scared to leave him alone .
I wont ever get over it, we argue alot because i question every thing he does , he has told me to leave a numerous amount of times when i bring up the subject but i refused too.. why should i when i hadnt done anything wrong.. everything gets spun back onto me and then it loses the focus on him.
I call it his middle life crisis.. he only went with girls that were around 20yo when he is 50 .
Your question on how to make your husband love you again?? I think he says he doesnt love you because he wants you to stop being on his case about it all and thinks you will back down and give up noy trusting him just for him to love you again.
But can life go back to how it was before you found someone cheating.. na uh, its been a years since i found out mine cheated and im still strugging .
It sounds like you might be giving him way to much over-all and that is seen as enabling someone's behaviour. I don't normally like using gender specific examples, however, in this case I will. Most men need to hunt and this needs to be ongoing with the same partner for the rest of their life, otherwise, they will become bored, irritated and narcissistic.
You kind of need to keep him guessing, make it a little fun, change things up and be spontaneous. When things become a routine, especially if you are doing and giving him way too much, it sometimes gets boring and lacks spontaneity. Please know that I am not saying this is your situation, however, it usually is in most cases, when you peal back the thick skin and really look into the back-bone of the storyline.
So I guess my point is, think about how you play a role in your relationship and what you might need to do to keep him longing for you...…...for the rest of your life.
Be strong, Be brave.