Relationship ended because of his depression

[Hseil]

This is my first time doing this, and I don't even know where to begin. I have been with my partner for 8 years, since we were 16 years old. 2 years ago he tragically lost his younger brother. It was a really tough time. Anyway, long story short about 6 months ago he started to hate his job and uni and everything was closing in on him, we started having trouble in the bedroom so he took himself to the Dr and she diagnosed him with early depression. He didn't want to take medication and didn't want to speak to someone (he tried when his brother died and it wasn't for him, even though he only went once). He let it go and thought it would get better, but I slowly watched it take him over and the light behind his eyes die.

Early December he went back to our home town early for Christmas as we do each year but I couldn't as I started a new job. He is the kind of person that needs to always keep busy, so being home doing nothing made him think about everything and he was questioning our relationship and just life in general. He was open with how he felt and we talked about it and planned to see how it went. He started a summer job to keep busy and When I got back for Christmas he was just always so tired and unhappy all the time and we were open about how he felt and thought we would see how we went after Christmas.

We went to Sydney for a concert and he said he would try really hard to try be happier for my sake. And he was. But on the way home he just broke down, he said he was just exhausted from trying to be happy and didn't have the energy to make himself happy and is happy. He said he didn't even feel this bad when his brother passed, so we broke up. We have both stated that we still love each other and still want to try be friends but he needs to help himself and try do it alone. I think the break up has made him realise that he needs to speak to someone because he just isn't okay.

i completely understand why we broke up and know it will be good for him and me and we may come back together if it's meant to be but it's just the being apart that is killing me. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I break down I can't control my feelings, it's literally hour by hour.

Its destroying me 😔

[blondguy]

Hello Hseil

Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too!

I really feel for you 'hanging in there' as long as you have. You would be using huge amounts of your own mental energy by having tried so hard to keep things going.

I understand what you are going through as I have had depression now for 21 years (and medicated)

Your partners' depression wont just 'go away' on its own even with exercise and eating well. I was similar to you partner in the early stages until a great female GP really kicked me hard to 'wake me up'. My career and relationship blossomed after starting regular therapy and a small dosage of an anti-depressant.

Your partner is no different. He will slowly begin to heal after he acknowledges that he has an illness.....no different to a physical illness...infection....broken bones...diabetes..heart problems....

Hseil Said: "but he needs to help himself and try do it alone" You are spot on here....it is the only way...

He has also let his depression effect your health too, by thinking he doesnt require therapy and meds. Your health is paramount here.

The forums are a rock solid secure zone to ensure your privacy Hseil. There are many kind people that can be here for you and what you are going through too!

Your heart is true and kind. Your friend has to 'own' his health issues and take responsibly for them. (GP to start)

I hope you can post back and let us know how you are going Hseil

please be gentle to yourself.....you are a very special person

my kind thoughts for you

Paulx

[Neil_1]

Hi there Hseil

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

I’ve firstly gotta say, that you write and express yourself beautifully. Just wanted to say that.

It is so very hard when someone who you love is battling with depression and resulting from that, it then tentacles itself out to others and other aspects of their lives. Which this has done for you. On top of that, they don’t seem to be willing to seek out help, which they clearly do need.

I just wonder now, seeing as the two of you have split up and he’s now “on his own”, do you think this will move him to make a decision about his illness and to seek out appropriate treatment? I mean, losing one’s brother is a horrible thing (I speak from experience with this; oh as well as dealing with depression as well) and that can far reaching troubles for a person – and not always easily identifiable or traceable. The loss of interest, the sadness, the troubled feelings; that can easily stem from the loss of his brother, which in turn develops into depression.

With regard to the break-up, are you still in close proximity of each other or hearing from each other regularly, or are all avenues of contact removed? For break-ups, I feel if there’s still some kind of contact, that can be almost torture for the person who wasn’t “as willing” for the break-up in the first place.

I’m really hearing how this is troubling you big time … it’s obviously only very recent that this has happened; do you have any close friends or siblings who you feel comfortable in talking too? A supportive shoulder or a listening ear for you? I hear you when you say it’s an hour by hour thing, so the key thing right now (and this is so much easier said than done) is to get occupied as much as you can. Are you working? If so, try as hard as you can to focus on that? Do you play any sport, run, go to the gym? Any of these kinds of things for a distraction.

I do hope to hear from you again.

Neil

[Hseil]

Thanks so much for the reply! I took the plunge and called lifeline today and had a good talk with a lady. I have spoken to him as we're still in contact. He has looked into menslink also but it's a matter of him picking up the phone and calling!

We live together and he is still in our hometown so won't be back for another 2 weeks and plans on moving with a couple that we know which will be good for him as they're older and more mature than some of this friends!

I think he realises he needs to speak to someone but it's a matter of him taking the plunge and doing it!

[Hseil]

Hi Neil,

Thanks so much for your reply! I do think this break up was bitter sweet, as it made him realise that he needs to speak to someone but then at the end of the day it's still a break up. I spoke to lifeline today, something that I didn't think I could do but it helped! I suggested this to him before he jumps into face to face counselling (he used to think it wouldn't help him) and he has said that he has already looked into menslink but just hasn't taken it any further yet. I don't want to pressure or push him too much but as he was diagnosed 6 months ago with early depression and thought it would 'go away', I think he realises now that he needs to talk.

Yes we live together, started a life in Canberra. He is currently back at our home town still for summer and will be back in 2 weeks. I know it would be easier to cut all communication but we have decided to help each other through the break up and as I'm the only one whom knows of his depression, I'm here for him for that too!

Losing his brother was just the most horrible thing as he was like my little brother too, and I was responsible for holding not just him but his mother together too, she is also not coping well, but who can blame her.

He knows he needs to help himself, he told me he owed it to his brotther, myself and himself to get help. He keeps saying I wish there was a pill that magically fixed him and I always tell him, he isn't broken, he is just lost!

he told me he didn't even feel this bad when his brother first passed away so I hope he finds himself because he is the most beautiful person you'll ever come across, always happy and everyone loves him, such a contagious smile and personality. I don't mind taking the fall if it means he gets better, it's just being apart after being together for 8 years that I'm struggling with

[Neil_1]

Hi there Hseil,

Thank you for your latest response.

I’m hearing you with the bitter sweet feel for the break up, but at the same time, with all the love that is associated along the way, the bitter parts are very real, at this very early stage of things. Not only that, but once he’s back, he’ll be back in your home – though I did read that he’ll be moving in with some other folk once he’s back. That could be a massive blessing in disguise, as you both won’t be in the same residence anymore – so a bit of space, but also he’s moving in with an older couple; I do hope though that they understand depression because if that’s the case, that could be a very good place for him to move to.

It’s good to hear how you say that he realises he needs to talk … I really do hope that’s the case; cause it can be so frustrating when we know that someone needs to speak to someone, needs to seek help, needs to start taking their medication … and they don’t. At these times, it’s ONLY the person that can do this – ultimately, it’s up to them to do these things.

Yes, and if there was a pill that could make things different, oh boy, that person would NEVER have to work again; instant “billionaire”. But, there are plenty and many medications out there, that do prove useful and can help stabilise thought processes and how we go about things during the day. There’s no such thing as a happy pill or anything like that, but there are meds out there that can help … having said that, they need to be combined with other mechanisms that we can put into place to help us along the way. Hobbies, sports, other activities that we enjoy are to be sought out; there are lots of other things that can be incorporated for a person who’s struggling big time. It can take time.

Gee, I hope I haven’t waffled on too much there for you Hseil …

I also do hope that you are able to make sure “you’re” doing ok as well. This is something that you need to be aware of as well, so I hope that you’re being kind to yourself … oh and that you stay cool over the next few days, as the temps are rising in Canberra.

Kind regards

Neil

[blondguy]

Hey Hseil

Thats great news and good on you for having a chat to the experts on the phone 🙂

You are really doing everything you can for your own health which of course is the priority. Your friend will get the medical help he needs. Lets hope that he understands that his depression is more common than he knows.

Saying no to therapy/meds is saying no to life.

Thanks heaps for postingback 🙂

my kindest

Paulx

[White_Rose]

Hello Hseil

So pleased you have written to us on Beyond Blue. No matter what the problem is it's always good to talk to someone about. Here, you can tell us as much or as little as you like. There is always someone to talk to.

Relationship break ups are always hard no matter how mutual it is. If one person is reluctant to leave it does make life harder to be in constant contact. I think you need to consider this aspect to maintain your own health. It will be better for both of you I imagine when he lives elsewhere.

It appears your BF is beginning to realise he needs help. Sometimes that particular hill is too hard to climb, which where you can help him most. You said he had spoken to counsellor when his brother died but only once and he felt it was not for him. Most of us would like to live our lives without the need for counsellors, but we do realise how much it can help. I was quite scared the first time I spoke to psychologist. No particular reason I can think of, just the unknown. I do know it takes several sessions to become comfortable with the counsellor. It feel awkward to talk about yourself to a stranger who generally does the least amount of talking but listens very carefully.

The first 3-4 sessions are really settling in and feeling relaxed. When your BF feels OK the counsellor can start helping more. If you can reassure your BF about this it may help him. I would like to suggest you get him to write down some of his thoughts. Perhaps start a daily journal about the day, what happens, how he feels, things that upset or please him. No one else will read it unless he offers, but usually it's private. He may like to take it to his counselling sessions after a while and discuss some of the writings. Start by suggesting the journal. If he wants to take to sessions he can come up with that idea himself.

You also need to take care of yourself. Neil and Paul have given you some great ideas, so I will not repeat them. Do make time for yourself even sitting on the back porch and admiring the garden or sunset. This is a favourite of mine when I get down. Book, coffee, CD player (tiny one that just holds the CD, and a comfortable chair. No matter what I start doing I find I stop after while and just look at what's before me. The peace sinks into my soul and I feel refreshed. The birds get brave enough to come quite close and I enjoy their activities, looking for food, flirting, watching for the next door cat.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary