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Relationship Confusion During Pandemic

Community Member

I am 52 years old and separated from my ex-wife for 6 years now. After my separation, I met a lovely woman. We are now 5++ years in the relationship and we see decided to live with each other in the last 2 years. I bought a house last year to be with this woman.

My son from previous marriage came back from abroad just before the lockdown. He just finished his studies just before the pandemic lockdown. When the lockdown was announced, I had to live where my son is staying in another house during this time which is 2 hours from where I live.

During the last 4 weeks, we were calling each other from separate houses everyday and there were no issues. Last week, I asked what movies she's been watching since I left. She told me it's all about houses and gardens. One evening, I checked her email account as we both have access to each other's account. I accidentally saw an activity on her account on the activities that she was doing in the last 4 weeks. I saw that she was watching this guy's video for those weeks I was away constantly everyday.

I then asked her again the following day if she was watching other shows or videos to confirm my suspicion - and she told me she didn't watch other than gardens and houses. I told her that I saw her online activity and she firmly denied it until I told her I found out all her online activities as I have a record. She then admitted and she told me it's just escapism. And she denied being attracted or contacting this man even though almost half of her day based on the online records is almost spent watching his videos.

I don't want to feel jealous but part of me is telling me that she is emotionally cheating on me. The reason I had that thought is because she denied all her relationships of more than 20 people before me. I only found out about it after finding deleted emails and letters on the first 6 months of our relationship. It was fine for me after she confessed. But I also found out that she was seeing another man during our first month together, and she told me that nothing was really going on between them even though they constantly see each other while she's working.

I was broken after learning all these, as if history is repeating itself. I'm now thinking of leaving her even though its too hard. I thought I found my lifetime partner to grow old with. Her last message to me was 'I feel the truth of what you say but i still want to make it up to you if I can'. I would appreciate any of your advices.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Good afternoon Pako

I can well understand your concerns. Forgive me if I sound naive, but when you say she is watching another man's videos, do I take it they are pornographic ? If that is not correct, please enlighten me.

These are the issues that bother me. She seems to have a history of lying. She lied about the previous partners, she lied about her current viewing habits and she may have cheated on you during the first month of your relationship.

To be frank, if I accept all these transgressions at face value, I see more red flags than you would find in a Chinese May Day parade.

I don't want to feel jealous but part of me is telling me that she is emotionally cheating on me.

No, this is not a maybe cheating this is a definite cheating, emotional or otherwise.

Pako, only you can decide what you are prepared to tolerate in an intimate relationship and I realise not everyone has the same view as me. But, if this is not acceptable to you, you are fortunate that you have discovered this now and not three years later when you are maybe married and the relationship is even more complex.