Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

Rx

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way & about th Lake too. I also wonder how ill feel when the nice weather is finished.

You say you guys could be fine if it weren't for her crap but that crap is part of who she is. It's like me saying M & I would've been fine if it weren't for sis, but that's how his life is. M & I could've been fine if we wanted more of the same things, but we don't.  I guess I'm saying the things that make it not work are part of who we all are. We can't change that. If I loved cars, UFC, wanted to travel, loved his sis interfering & didn't care that she always came first we would have been fine too. See what I mean? These things are part of who these people are. 

Hope you feel better soon. I understand how crap it is.

Hugs

Cmf 

[randomxx]

Ahhh, thanks you cm and yep, now that you put it like that l see what you mean. lt's been a really weird 12-18 mths with her and changes in her we've talked about it here.

like what your saying. l mean in a way we spent more time actually together than you two but then we'd be apart again for could be mths.

so where as you see m every wk consistently 5yrs and know who he is and he's life, in a way when we're still having all these gaps on the other hand, l'm never that sure bc she changes a lot. so this last yr 18mths and the way she's been a lot more neurotic and nervy and bits of temper spats, as we were sayin here, l haven't known if that's just 5yrs and the real her just coming out more, or if it's more just her life stuff and things goin on there and her just exhausted with it all or what.

bc really her life stuffs more settled and sorted than it's ever been since we met, yet she's more all over the place than ever, she should be happier than ever.

but as your saying , think you did before to, maybe your right, maybe this is just her.

l know l've said here too often , if only we could talk but yeah, seems like that's still goin on eh. l don't bloody know. Once again huge gaps, l can't see her to know.

god l can not believe the lake, like you say soon you won't be able to pool anymore. it's been my therapy and d's to and ours, bc she's been a bit lost again to and it's just been helping us both so much, been so beautiful.

Feel like calling up and abusing the bloody council.

Thanks cm , big hug.

rx

[randomxx]

The other thing is, like l do know her usual anxiety and depression ways and levels and what usually sets any of it of and what have you. And she's done amazingly well with that right through everything she had to deal with.

So that all makes it even weirder that now, after all that, l hardly recognize the person these days.

The other thought was maybe it's been the worse faze of meno kicking in.

Anyway, what am l doing, here once again trying to figure her stuff out, there's been way to much of that l know.

Truth is l prob should've broken that cycle a few yrs ago l think.

[CMF]

I think that we try & find excuses to justify their behaviour so as not to accept the facts. We don't want to accept or admit tge negatives. We want to hold onto the good stuff cos it's so good but the negative makes us so confused & feeling low. It shouldn't do that.  If it makes us confused & questioning things it's not right. I think we are both annoyed that we tolerated it for so long thinking a change in circumstances would make it change. Truth is, it won't change. It is who they are. 

[randomxx]

Yeah , your right cm, l dunno. l mean we both have good things in our relationships to, things we love about them.

But nope, there should be a balance if anything more so in the good direction not the worser, surely we can expect better than 50 50.  lt doesn't seem right having to go through all this for yrs here with the other side of it though.

[CMF]

Agree. If we're here cos talking about the how the negative affects us then it's not right.

[randomxx]

Gonna be another beautiful sunday tomorrow that's 6 in a row here that's gotta be a record.

D came with me out to a local river l don't usually use here Thurs l just had to be on some water. l paddled 6 k down along it and then back. lt was so damn magical, forgetful , washing away lifes bs just for awhile. lf there's any mama ducks on the side sometimes they summon their kids and the family come paddle along with you for awhile. Don't think they realize it's a human l often think they think the boat is a small whale or something they do it a lot , so cool, nature, it blows your mind. Can't wait for tomorrow going up to my main river mouth/beach.

Point is though , if l didn't have this atm ldk wth l'd be doing atm , just feel so disappointed and confused about the way things have gone.

l was going to look for a new kayak anyway but l just can not believe things came along when they did and that lve just accidentality become so involved exactly coinciding with us breaking up. lt's not forced which l don't believe in anyway, l'd probably just be moping around otherwise but for some strange reason well, sometimes l think there must be a reason , it's just weird, maybe something is planned.

Anyway, when l'm not on the water l think , too much. And l just can't believe gfs stuff of this last few mths. l can't even be sure lately she was ever genuine any more, something that always nagged at me l've had trust problems with her since the day we met.

lt's just the way things happened this time and the way she's been since, the way she acted when l was up there last, and when l left, all this now, ldk.

lt's almost like a light switch. So what was even real ?

5yrs and l'm still not sure. As l've said their culture, metality, or whatever you'd like to call it can be that way and l've seen it in her family and relatives and often glimpses of it in her to - or so l've suspected , never really been 100% sure though and of course you hope your wrong.

And then, what was any of that? What was just her and the person she is.

l was never quite sure of that either or of her actions and words.

Thing is, l couldn't commit , bc l doubted it and her. l just couldn't even take it seriously subconsciously a lot of the time- never been through this with someone but l just couldn;t trust it. My instincts have always been very spot on and a lot with her has seemed to not add up but the thing is others have seemed 100% so your just not sure though sometimes with a gut feeling and whether it's right or wrong until it is, one way or other.

Well , going on her actions this last few mths now in this and on ofs over 5yrs, they were right.

God almighty what would've happened if l did marry her, my God , who would she have been a few yrs later, what would've been real and what not. l tell you what, l really don't know whether to be thankful or just wth.

rx

[randomxx]

l just wish l could know that's all , was this real , was she really real. lt'd just really help deal with this in some kind of closure sense.

How could l even need to ask something like that after 5yrs of so much life with a person and so much lived, said, shown, felt. You see , there it is right there.

lf l could put here things said last few mths, this might make more sense to a reader , but l can't. l will say one thing though , whenever we have talked since, she always signs of with sad b.Calls me b in messages short for baby.

And l can feel that.

But yet l can also feel her soldiering on with resolve , it's like genuine sad, but genuine resolve.

That's one way they can be very different l've seen it in her over yrs and in some friends from home and family.

Even her ex hub , they never spoke again , ever. Both just walked away, that's it.

Her son , same.  l could give example that would paint the picture but best l don't.

But you can see this side right through in ways and things and attitudes and that's where there's always doubts. bc you know that's the other side of anything she says or does no matter how nice or real.

Maybe l should take a leaf out of that book and just walk away, like they can. Well l will be , but the difference is for me it will take a long time and struggles and coming to terms. for them them though it's just oh , oh well and of they go. Seen it right through.

[CMF]

Be thankful rx.

I think you did the right thing not marrying. You've answered your own questions.  You didn't fully trust her. Sometimes when you post on my thread about M I think you're pretty spot on. I sometimes wondered if gf wanted to get married just to solve her problems. I know you had some chemistry but so do M & I. That's not enough to make a relationship last & be great. I feel your big frustration now, & what's making your head spin in the 5 years. Was it a waste, should it have ended earlier, why let it go on so long with all the red flags. I ask myself the same things. It's meant to be how it's meant to be. Maybe it needed that long to bring out the real person. For me, maybe M had to go o/s for the real feelings to come out. If we didn't have lockdown he would have gone years ago. It might have ended then. Either way he had to go for him to realise what i already knew but wouldn't accept. 

The kayak? The good weather? Absolutely they came along now to help you heal. Bring you peace, something to focus on & enjoy, clear your mind. Your path was cleared a little to let these things in to help you heal. The kayak sounds beautiful.  I can picture you gliding along the river on the Sunshine,  feeling free. As you glide, bits of the past are falling away from you, your mind is clearing.

Keep gliding rx. You got this.

Hugs

Cmf

[randomxx]

Ahhhh, cm. thanks for that my friend. You see, you are genuine and real, that  l could always see. So how is it that in 5 yrs of actual real life with a person, l'm still asking. There shouldn't even be a question but need the answer , yaknow. still don't have it really so yeah it's probably lucky l didn't it seems.

l use to worry about all that other side to bc full commitment would've solved a lot of things for her but bc of this other edge she has, l needed those solved first. lf everything was fitting l prob just would've gone for it but they weren't. bUT they could just do that and not bat an eyelid, if it didn't work out later they'd be just oh well and of they'd go l could see that so yeah, l needed to be sure about that real person first.

l see what you mean with lockdown , l wonder. how do you feel about 5yrs now and where your at ? He is a strange one in a way he has a very similar edge to gf as far as true feelings go and just what exactly they are to him like her.

l felt really threatened by time, life goes on so fast, not 21 any more and all. Things use to lead to other things in my life but l worried about all this bc it just wasn't happening naturally.

Anywayyy, thanks again cm and yeah you described it to a T it is just kinda silently gliding along. No motors phs computers bills or life, just gentle splashing water and nature. Maybe it was orchestrated, l've really wondered bc it's so different atm .

Big hug.

rx