Relationship advice needed, or just general advice too

[Jdubs]

Hi,

My partner and I have been together 3.5 years. We’ve been engaged for 16 months of that. We’re getting married in 8 months... He’s 7 years older than me but it really never feels like it until things aren’t great.

im really stressed and anxious and honestly a little depressed. I think it’s the cold feet but at the same time it feels deeper than that.

I love my fiancé, there’s a lot I have done and will do for him. He’s a financial planner and he’s helped me a lot with finances. I’m really bad with money.

I tend to be a bad listener, not because I don’t care I just accidentally drift off into my own little world while he’s talking. I feel awful for doing it but it just happens. I don’t always understand what he’s talking about and I feel kind of dumb.

Sometimes we have small arguments about our lives. Our last one was about how bad I am with money, that I’m not physical enough with him. He told me he thinks I’m hooking up with someone else. He said “do you even want to be here?”

I think about that argument every day since. It was months ago. I feel awful. The days pass so insanely fast for me, I have a million things on my mind at once and I just forget that intimacy is even a thing until it’s been 2 months of nothingness...

before I got here to write this I was asking myself “am I even good for him?”

He wants to move to the city. He’s one of the best students in the country for his degree. He has places he can go if he wants. I just feel like I’m this massive rock holding him back.

I guess I just want to know if an outside person would think I’m being a rock??

I’m studying law, I work in a firm, I hate my job and I’m looking for a new one but it’s hard. I come home totally exhausted and sometimes all I want is just to curl up and cuddle on the couch with him but he’s really busy studying or working. So I feel upset, and then I feel bad for feeling upset because I think I’m being selfish.

I just want to clarify hes never said to me that I’m a bad person, or a burden, or anything negative. He has voiced his feelings and we talked it out. Those are feelings I’ve developed about myself in my own insecurities.

So yeah any advice on how I can better myself or how I should look at and address these feelings is much appreciated.

Basically I just feel like a selfish person at the moment

[Jdubs]

I just want to add, if that’s okay.

I have a lot of body issues. I’m a small girl and I get a whole lot of “ugh I wish I had your body”. I hate it. I hate me.

I had a surfboard chest and got a boob job to solve that. I think I have regrets about getting plastic surgery, I feel like I did something wrong. So while I have big boobs, I still don’t feel comfortable in my body.

i feel like this is a lot of the reason why I don’t get intimate much. I’m only young so it’s supposed to be this thing I want always right?!

Tips on what to do there would be really awesome cause I just want to be better for this man, he’s wonderful in many ways

[geoff]

Hello Jbubs, a warm welcome to you.

Being a bad listener could have several meanings,

-you're rehearsing what you want to say in return

-picking up any point he says and then forming yur response back to him

- if you have already made up your mind then you're not going to listen

Don't feel as though you are a rock holding him back because what I see is that he is someone who wants to push all the right buttons and dominate what you both do, but you are a bit hesitant about.

Sorry but please let me know.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Jdubs

I welcome you with a warm smile and I hope words that may make some positive difference to you. By the way, good to hear you are looking for a new job. Someone once said 'If you love what you do, you never have to work a day in your life' (aka you get paid to do what you love therefor it never feels like actual work).

I believe healthy relationships are things which facilitate growth. As I say to people, love is found in positive evolution. It makes sense then that the more we evolve with someone, the greater the love. Of course, self love or personal evolution is the most important love of all.

It can be hard to adapt to changes in any relationship. As I say to my kids, whilst you are facing new challenges when it comes to being 13 and 16, I am someone who faces the challenges of being a mum to a 13 and 16yo. None of us have been here before, so we'll do our best to work through it together. Same goes for you and your partner; there will be times where you will need to guide and support each other through challenges and changes in your relationship. For example, if you partner wants to move, he may need to guide you through such a major change, whilst you support him in your own way. Sometimes we can be left feeling like rocks, holding people back, but the truth is some of us need the right sort of inspiration and guidance when it comes to rolling with the changes. When we're not feeling inspired or effectively guided, change can feel fearful .

What inspires you to change Jdubs will always be different to what inspires another to change, therefor your partner will need to take a unique approach specific to you. The 'unique approach' thing also applies to conversation, like with complex matters involving finance. It's no surprise that you would lose interest in such conversation, especially if you can't fully relate to what your partner is saying; the conversation basically becomes uninteresting. Such a discussion could become exciting if he tackled it from your point of view. Personally, if someone explained certain aspects of quantum physics to me, they'd lose me in the first few minutes but if they explained such energy from a spiritual perspective they'd hold my attention. The ability to relate is another thing which goes toward building a healthy relationship.

It is not selfish to think 'What can I get from and what can I give to this relationship?' It is simply about questioning the evolutionary process.

Take care of yourself Jdubs

[GoodWitch]

Hi jdubs,

I feel there's a lot beneath the surface of what you're saying. Sometimes the real questions we need be asking are in those spaces between words, if that makes sense.

1. You repeat often how smart your fiancé is. I'm sure he is, but then you say you are studying law. You are gainfully employed. Clearly, you're not lacking in intelligence but the way you talk about yourself gives the impression you think you are dumb. Law is an intense area of study you wouldn't be able to do if you were not smart. Maybe your fiancé is a genius, I don't know. But you are not stupid just because you think he might be smarter than you (and you know, maybe he's not? there are all types of smart and I don't think one needs to have more weight than any other)

2. Bad with money can be relative. Are you deeply in debt? Or do you simply buy more shoes than your fiancé things you should? There is a big difference between those two realities. If you are badly in debt, might I suggest you talk to someone about consolidating your debts...someone other than your fiancé. I know that seems silly as he is a financial planner, but it seems to have become an emotional topic for you both. My husband is in IT and wherever possible I talk to other people if I have IT questions, bc he doesn't get that I don't get it & it often ends in us sniping at each other. Just a thought. If you & your fiancé simply disagree on how money should be spent, that's an issue for you to negotiate & does not mean you are necessarily 'bad' with money.

3. Your fiancé has complained you are not physical/sexual enough. Then later you say when you want to have a cuddle on the couch he is too busy. It sounds like he craves sex but you crave affection first. sex is a two way street. If he expects sex, there's nothing wrong with you expecting some affection/attention. That is not selfish. As for your body issues, can you talk to someone about that? A counsellor or friend? Many of us have body issues & in order to have sex when you feel bad about your body, you need to fully trust your partner. So...do you? Does he love & appreciate you just as you are?

I don't think you're a rock. You're obviously smart & a devoted fiancé. I don't think the question should be 'are you bad for him', but rather 'is he good for you?'. Does he support you & make you feel loved/cherished/good about yourself?

I guess I'm asking...what do you need & are you getting it from this relationship?

GW

[Jdubs]

Thanks everyone for your advice, I’m definitely thinking in a different light now and looking from a new angle.

I really appreciate everyone taking time to help.

My fiancé is someone who shows his love and affection in an odd way. He’s never mean or abusive, and he never neglects me. I think that his way of showing love is to “help” and “advise” which is part of his analytical brain, as opposed to loads of affection (we do still cuddle sometimes, but I wish it was more often)

As far as bad with money, the only debt I have is a student one for my degree. I’m just someone who likes to buy fabric (I sew a lot) and I enjoy snacks. That’s all really.

And thank you for the advice on the intimacy part. I think it makes perfect sense that I need more affection and in turn that can lead to more intimacy between us. So both needs are being met.

I think I will speak with him about what I feel I need and we can work from here.