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Really struggling following a breakup 3 months ago

Community Member

My now ex-girlfriend and I dated for 5 months. It was one of those whirlwind kind of romances, we were official within a week and spent 5+ nights a week together, doing most things together. I've had long term relationships before but I can say with absolute honesty that I have never fallen for a girl so hard.

Everything about her made me feel alive, I've referred to it as the 'soulmate' kind of connection. We just clicked, would spend hours hanging out, doing activities, dates etc and couldn't seem to get enough of one-another. She was dealing with anxiety and I believe elements of depression and I offered my support the whole way through this, however she wasn't able to accept my help.

I've since learned that she has a Dismissive/Avoidant attachment style. This means that opening up, becoming vulnerable and sharing her feelings is really difficult for her and often people like this suppress such feelings subconsciously through deactivating strategies. 

Learning about this has helped me to understand what happened between us. It's brought me some peace knowing that the actual reason for her sudden withdrawal was actually likely because we were getting so close. I know I did nothing wrong in the relationship and was actually told I was the best boyfriend she'd ever had, she loved spending time with me etc. but that she had not developed feelings for me.

Anyway, the point of my post is to get some advice with how I can better accept what has occurred and get on with my life. I currently am trapped with constant ruminating (about both the good and bad times) and I know my self-esteem is absolutely shot at the moment. This breakup has lifted a veil on my life and I have realized I need to make some big changes with regards to my living situation, career, friendships, etc. I have put huge energy and effort into this since the breakup and I am starting to have some great victories with this - but I can't seem to find any joy or relief from these victories. I am stuck ruminating constantly.

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past two months. But the progress is slow and I am falling back into a rather serious depression. I am journaling, exercising, socializing, starting new hobbies etc but nothing takes my mind off the breakup. It feels like the breakup as a whole is my default mind-mode. Does anyone have any advice as to how I can move past this?

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi Xerathia,

Thanks for posting.

I don't have any advice but I wanted to say that I have also just gone through a break up and you mentioning attachment styles was helpful for my understanding of the situation. It was a relationship that I thought there was lots of mutual feelings of connection. He was aware to some extent that he had trouble forming meaningful relationships and that when he got close to people he started to pull away, without meaning or wanting to. He knew it was a pattern that he had but he didn't have a word for it.... Your post has helped me.

Unfortunately I can't really help. Other than to say You are not alone. I think I am in a similar boat. I felt that I had finally found a "soulmate" someone I related to like no one else. And it stings. I am replaying and ruminating over things and despite my efforts I also stuck on the same setting where thinking of him is my default mode.

Best of luck