Ready to give up on finding love.

[Mikkus]

This is the first time I've done anything like this so.. here goes.

I recently turned 40 and have never had a girlfriend. My experiences have all been terrible. I have been asked out twice by girls as a joke when i was 18 and 24. It was so humiliating. I shut down for a long time after that. About 10 years later i met a girl through work. Over about a year we became good friends. We went out once or twice with workmates, and after a while she told me she was in love with me. I felt the same way. A few days after that she left to go on a cruise. While she was away one of the other girls she worked with let it slip she was on holiday with her husband. This basically destroyed me. Now ive recently turned 40 and have never had a single positive relationship experience. Ive tried to go out and meet new ppl but no luck. Online dating has been a terrible experience. I havent got many people who can grasp how lonely and dejected i feel, every single one of my friends is either married or has a partner. I never even had a date. Im just ready to give up any hope that I'll find anyone. I just feel pretty worthless and am having trouble coping with it. Im sorry if this isnt clear, ive not talked about it before

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mikkus

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you heaps for coming here and providing your post.

The dating game, relationships, etc can have a big effect on us and as you’ve mentioned, if it’s in the negative category, it can pile up while we try our best for it not too.

That was damn ordinary about that woman you were seeing from work – I don’t get it though; that you went out once or twice with workmates; and yet no-one came forward at that time to let you know that she was married.

May I ask are you a sporty or active person? Any teams you are involved in? This can have options for leading to meeting up with all kinds of new people – or possibly other hobbies that you enjoy? Bushwalking, running groups? Trivia nights? Ok, I could ramble here for ages, but I think I’ll send this now and would love for you to respond back.

Neil

[MisterM]

Hi Mikkus,

I feel your pain. I am 32 almost and never had a girlfriend either.
I've tried but failed.
Been on a number of dates.
I asked a girl out recently at uni and she said I creeped her out after I sent her a message (see my thread here).
I too feel lonely and dejected and like giving up.
Hopefully one day me and you will be happy in love.

[Mikkus]

Hi neil. Thanks for the reply. Ive been part of clubs and the like, playing music in pubs, quiz nights , but just no luck. I make friends easily but thats as far as it ever gets. There just doesnt seem to be that connection there. Im told I'm a really good friend, and a nice guy, but other than that nothing.

Now i just dont feel like im worth anything to anyone, so i dont go out as much. I still try, but its getting too much to keep looking year after year and i just wonder whats wrong with me.

I just dont believe in myself anymore i guess.

[Mikkus]

Thank you MisterM. I appreciate your kindness. I hope so too.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mikkus,

A good friend.
A nice guy.

Two things that really jump out at me.

Brilliant qualities to have – but even more than that – cause you must have (do have) the internal mechanisms and social skill to be that kind of person. Awesome attributes to have. People wouldn’t say that or think these things about you if you weren’t that kind of person.

You know one thing I picked up over the years, and when I was younger, I wished I knew this – to not try too hard. I took me a long long time to understand this. I believe the more hard you try and are seeming to project yourself “out there”, the more it kind of stands out.

Oh boy, if I could play music and therefore, extend that to doing it in a social scene (ie: pubs), I think that would be a pretty good thing to do. Not sure if you’re still doing that, but if you still enjoy doing that, then that would be something very worthwhile continuing.

Quiz nights are something different, cause well, they’re quiz nights and the only real interaction you have are with the folks on your own table. And those people generally go in groups of known people. I hope I’m making sense.

Neil

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Mikkus

MisterM is going to roll his eyes, but you should check out a guy called Dr Robert Glover. He's known for his book "No More Mr Nice Guy". Perhaps check out his web page and see what you think

[MisterM]

No rolling of my eyes Apollo 🙂

[Mikkus]

Thanks for the message. I have read it and to be honest found it lacking. It seemed to go from "its societal conditioning" to "your needs werent met so getting frustrated and upset is your fault.

But i honestly appreciate the thought.

[Greyhound123]

Have you tried Internet dating? And I know there is A LOT of stigma around this but international dating. Sometimes other cultures find different types of men attractive. Yes you have to be very careful of dodgy characters but there are some genuinely lovely women out there who appreciate different qualities in their men. My wife is from overseas and We could not be happier.