Reaching out for help/support

[Kittyyy00]

Hi,

I'm not quite sure how to talk about the problems I am facing in my life, but it feels like it's demanding so much of me and I feel I don't have much more to give.

I'm 29 and have a 10 year old son. I have been diagnosed with depression as a teen and put on medication, which I left behind a long time ago. I have struggled with drugs and alcohol for most of my life. I currently only drink, but not excessively anymore. I don't take drugs at all anymore.

I spent 12 long years of my life with my son's father who is a controlling, manipulative and abusive person. The time I spent in this relationship cost me so much of myself. I have no friends anymore, I barely talk to my family, just reconnected with my mother and stepfather, I lost my self esteem a long time ago and I feel like I'll never be the same person I once was. Currently we are going through family court to compromise and agree on a parenting plan. He has brought my family and my new partner into the case by throwing extreme accusations around. Final court date is in a few weeks and I can't bare to agree to shared parental responsibility with this man. It's really stressing me.

My new partner and I are on a rocky road at the moment. Things were great in the beginning but I broke his trust about 7 months ago. He says he wants to be with me and he's in love with me but still stresses out. We have been dating 1 yr 5 months. Still early in our relationship but we are both mature individuals ready to settle down in our lives. My previous experiences (and possible mental health issues) can make me react in crazy ways and go completely overboard. I feel as though I am chasing someone who is getting further away from me. I don't know what to do. I do love this man and he makes me incredibly happy but he breaks my heart sometimes. What do I do to help? I've tried expressing my feelings through words and gifts and gestures and in everything I do.

I'm not coping well with anything at the moment. I smashed my car, it was a write off. I can't make my parents happy. I've called in sick 2 days in a row this week because I can barely get up to get my son ready for school let alone go to work.

I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way but I do.

[BasilThree]

Hey Kitty,

As a long term single person (see my post - alone for ever lol), it’s hard for me understand the problems you’re facing with your ex & child. I can’t imagine how difficult that can be.

But I do have some experience in reaching out so much to a partner, because you feel like they’re moving away. I’m kind of doing it at the moment (but trying not to). It’s really easy to think the best way to show someone you care about them is to tell them tell them tell them (or show them, or do little things for them etc) all the time. My big issue is reiterating how I’m there for them, that this is what I want, almost trying to convince them that this is how I feel. I don’t know how that must make them feel, stressed probably, overwhelmed.

Ive been doing regular meditation for about 18 months now, but over the last few months I stopped going completely. Just busy/lazy. Last night I went for the first time in ages and it gave me a chance to stop, and to breathe, and to remember a little bit about who I am, when all the crazy isn’t going on. And honestly that makes all the difference in the world.

I do Buddhist meditation & one thing they teach is impermanence - nothing is permanent/everything is temporary. In a way, it can actually be liberating to think that (maybe look into it more for yourself first though) because it means that the feelings you’re having right now, and the way you’re acting, and the way other people are acting, won’t last forever. In fact, it will be gone in a moment. Sometimes that’s the coolest thought to hold onto to. Especially when you’re just doing some breathing.

Take care of yourself 🙂

[Kittyyy00]

Thank you for your reply.

I've been recommended meditation in the past but never took it up. Maybe it's time.. even just to give it a try.

I've been told medication would help from my psychologist (whom I haven't seen in a while now) but I don't know if I would like to go that road again. At the same time I feel as though it may really help me deal with my overwhelming emotions.

I'm still smothering my relationship. I am looking for love and acceptance because (I believe) of my relationship with my mother. It is very strained and not like a "normal" mother/daughter relationship. I feel like a constant disappointment to her. Anything I say or do comes with a negative response and we either argue or I just withdraw from the whole house.

All I want to do is sleep. This feeling is horrible and I don't know where to turn because I smother everyone with my crap.

[BasilThree]

Hey girl guess what - I feel exactly the same lol.

I want to sleep to stop my thoughts from buzzing around my brain, but I can’t sleep! And try to fight it too, because I know that’s not the way to fight your problems. Although at the moment it still is hard, yesterday o just sat on my couch for a while, so indecisive about what to do. So you’re not alone in how you’re feeling. Xx

Personally I’m starting to think meds may be the best option for me again. I went off them 6 weeks ago because ironically they made me super sleepy, bu I got so many feelings right now! It’s a constant cycle hey.

where are you at now? It’s been almost 2 weeks since I jumped on here.