Pushed away by my BF feeling low and lonely

Liz10 · ‎04-05-2017

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice, I was seeing a guy for 4 months but known him about 6, everything was amazing I've never felt so in love, he is such a kind soul and so crazy about me and I him. We would see each other almost every night he only lived down the road then all of a sudden a close family member died and he had to fly home for a week, when he got back he was distant and I felt like I was being pushed away. Two weeks later I had a couple of emotional breakdowns to him as I guess I was trying to get his attention and then he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore, that he was depressed, needed space, hated his job, needed to move out of his apartment but joked that we would probably be married by next year I'm guessing trying to comfort me. Gave him space for 2 weeks and he came back told me he missed me everyday and didn't want to lose me from his life I was everything and that he didn't want to spend time around his friends as they just wanted to party, I told him I felt the same that I was found myself non stop thinking about him in that break and never wanted to lose him again, a couple of days later I had a bad couple of days at work and Tried to turn to him for support but then he went distant and without telling me he deleted me off all social media and told me he couldn't do this and to take care and hoped I found someone. I was devastated, it's been two weeks since we last spoke and I find myself feeling depressed and missing him, he doesn't have any family here like me and told me he only told me and his family back home about the depression not his mates. I'm so lost, do I reach out to him? I miss him so much and none of this feels right! I worry that he's not doing okay as his mates don't know what he's going through. Please help I have bad anxiety, barely sleeping and unsure what to do, I know he loves me so I can't understand why he is doing this, when I get depressed I get through with the one I love around me and could never push them away!

JessF · ‎04-05-2017

Hello Liz10, it sounds like your boyfriend is at a bit of a crossroads in his life, perhaps triggered by the death of the family member, and he is now no longer sure what he wants.

You, on the other hand, seem very sure that this situation feels wrong and you want to repair it, and the relationship.

You mention having several depressed and anxious episodes yourself in recent times, since your boyfriend's return from home. It could well be that he is not able to cope with supporting someone else (you) and fulfil the obligations of being in a relationship while dealing with his own grief, which you have not addressed at all in your post. It's unclear whether you have tried to talk to him about this loss and ask him how you could best support him during that time. From your post, it seems he has spent quite a bit of time trying to accomodate reassuring you.

I think it's important at this time to try and disentangle your own anxiety and needs from his. You will not be able to be an adequate support for any partner until you are on top of your own issues around feeling secure as your own person.

Part of this involves owning your own feelings and trying not to project onto others. You mention "when I get depressed I get through with the ones I love around me". Not everyone is the same. His comment about not wanting to lose you from his life should be considered in the context of losing a close family member. He could be confused by a conflict between his desire for some things in his life to remain stable, and a realisation about whether he sees a future with you at this point in time.

Regardless, he has sent a pretty strong signal in telling you that he considers the relationship to be over and deleting you from social media. I would suggest your next move from here should involve questioning how much of your desire to repair things is about supporting him through a difficult time versus curbing your own anxiety around feeling abandoned.

Breakups are tough, I wish you the best.

Liz10 · ‎04-05-2017

I have tried to talk to him about his loss and always let him know I would support him through anything and how much I love and care about him the reason I have this anxiety is from him not letting me help him when I love him so much. I guess its easy to blame yourself and not realise that its his issue and maybe has nothing to do with me, I want so bad to be around to support him as i know his friends are no good and am the only one that knows what he is going through, I guess my question is do I reach out to him or do I leave him be and give him space? He mentioned that when we had time apart he was obsessing over losing me and not wanting to and had to even delete our text message thread because he would go reminisce over all photos and videos of us. I suppose I just want to help him as the love is still there between us and I can't understand why when we decided we would be friends he had to push me away completely.

Blue_Jane · ‎04-05-2017

Hi Liz

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for reaching out.

I am sorry to hear about the difficult time you are going through. Jess raises some great points, especially about your own mental health.

If you have told this guy how you feel that I think there is no option but to leave the ball in his court. He sounds like he is going through a difficult time and he might not be in the right space to have a relationship.

It is also important to remember that you want to be with someone who you can go through the tough times with, not someone who disengages once something bad happens.

I believe that every relationship is different however your situation is making me think about my ex. We had been together for three years and then all of a sudden he came home one night and said he wanted to break up. In summary he was suffering depression and he didn't want anything to do with me anyone. I felt so desperate and confused for so long but once he was a bit more under control we tried two more times to make the relationship work but it wasn't strong enough to go the distance. I was heart broken at the time but now happily married to a man (who also suffers from depression but manages it well) who makes me so happy.

Let me know how you are tracking.

Blue Jane

Jessicatherese94 · ‎04-05-2017

Hi Liz, sorry to hear about your break up. Although you're clearly in love and crazy about this guy, it does sound like it has been a rather tumultuous relationship and he sounds very hot and cold. It sounds like he's going through a lot and doesn't want to bring you into it. It also sounds like he may not be ready for a relationship. Sometimes timing is really off between people and often timing is half the battle. I would personally try and move on as he has been rather clear about not being able to have a relationship, but I'm sure the situation is very complex and you know what the right thing to do is. It's really important to note that there are plenty of people to love in this world and you will move on and be okay.