Pregnant at 41

[Saran]

Hi everyone 

A little background, happily married 5 years (10 together) have two beautiful children aged 4 and 7.

Recently found out we are pregnant, VERY unexpected, we are 12 weeks -had the NIPT test and results are good. 

I am so devastated to be pregnant again. I was hoping by now I’d come around to it - we both do not want any more children and explored termination however I’ve struggled with the idea as worried about guilt and regret. 

I adore my current children but have found being a mum hard, both did not sleep well for a long time and caused me a lot of distress. We have our life back on track and now this…… I’m hoping to find joy but all I see is hard work and struggles ahead 😢

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm not going to try to persuade you either way, it is a decision you and your partner have to make, all I can say is I do not envy you the  decision.

Feeling that if you terminated you would struggle with regret and guilt is only natural, and you may indeed struggle as you fear. At the moment you have a happy marriage and I do not know what effect your feelings would have on it, they may most likely makes changes in you. This in turn may affect your happy marriage

On the other hand you remembered how hard it was to have a baby and a youngster, with sleepless nights and all the other things needed to rear a child -very taxing. This too may play upon your good nature and it could be that your existing children -who are at ages when love and attention is really needed - my find thier mum is hard to deal with.

So I guess regrets and guilt may happen either way, perhaps considering what is best in practical and emotional terms for your existing children may help you decide.

Does your husband have any advice other than simply saying he does not want another child? Does he say what the effect either way would realistically be on him?

Do you have anyone else to discuss this with, a caring family member or friend perhaps? Sometimes another just listening can assist.

I wish you the wisdom to cope with this and wish you well

Croix

[quirkywords]

Guest

 roil has given a well thought out reply.

Years ago I had two children 4 and 6 when I found out I was pregnant. I got advice from others and my husband but in th end it was my decision and I made the decision that suited me. Three children is more work but I had parents who lived a few hours away who were supportive.  I was also younger than you.
MY heart goes out to you as it is a complicated decision. We are listening to you. 
I agree with Croix is there an u derstanding family member or friend you can talk about this with. 

[Scared]

I was having this very conversation last night with a friend.

My friend found being a mother of two very difficult having things like post natal depression and she struggled to give the two children their mother as it was.

My friend then told me the reason she terminated her new pregnancy was so the existing two children can have a mother albeit it was a struggle already.

My friend had the confidence in knowing this was the best course of action for her family as she knew innately she could not cope with three children and the children she already had deserved a mother to be there.  This is not an easy decision but my friend was comforted to know that her intent was for her to be able to give her children a functioning mum.  Only you can look deep within yourself for answers as I dont think its about wrong or right in general but what the consequences are for you as a result of your decision.   I wish you guidance in this difficult time for you

[Saran]

Thank you for your kind nonjudgmental response. 

husbands main fear is feeling restricted and ‘loosing’ me during the first year. He’s already acting out drinking more and getting annoyed when I ask him to be home for the kids bedtime. 
Last two pregnancies I was exhausted, hardly any sleep and long days alone. I did ‘loose’ myself but that was due to being overwhelmed and exhausted. 

We dont have family close, so its pretty much just him and I 

I thought we came to more positivity a couple

of days ago only to be met with frustration and fears last night - resulting in him sleeping in another room 

[Croix]

Dear Saran~

In your first post you said 'we are pregnant' which I"m afraid appears to be a mistaken assumption. You are pregnant and it does not sound a if your husband wants any part of it.

He has made it quite clear he is not in favor of this, already he seems to feel that he has had to share you, and would lose more of you, particularly for the first year, if you had a third baby.

Leaving to one side the effect of birth and looking after a baby and as well as two young children it looks almost as if he resents the first two and a third would make his attitude worse.

It would be easy to form a snap judgment and call him selfish, however this may not be the case. I do not know the circumstances. It may be he knows himself well enough to know the extent of his own personal capabilities and the possible consequences if he exceeds them.

It is one thing to marry a person who may be a most compatible and happy match, at the time there may be no thought that things will change when children arrive. A large part of life is devoted too loving and rearing the offspring.. Some husbands relish this and want to be with the children a lot, by the sound of it your husband is the opposite and from his perspective (right or wrong) feels he is loosing you.

The fact he is drinking, slept alone  and is resentful after simply discussing the matter probably indicates how deeply he feels. As the person that knows him best it would be your judgment if he would come around and change, or alternatively having  a third child could be an ongoing divisive force in your relationship.

I'm sorry I can't paint a rosier picture, as I mentioned before either option may bring regrets.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Saran

Major life changing decisions are definitely the hardest to make, that's for sure. My heart goes out to you in so many ways as you seek clarity at such and incredibly challenging time in your life.

I think what tends to create very little doubt is when our partner's on board with a major life changing decision. It's then that we're able to think and feel 'No matter what, I'm with someone who's got my back, someone who's going to help me rise through the challenges I may face regarding the way forward'. So much harder when the way ahead is something we're going to be managing or struggling with largely on our own (even while living with them).

While I've come to hit on a lot of revelations over the years, in regard to how I would have managed early motherhood differently, the amount of revelations have come with time. My babies are now 19 (a young man) and almost 22 (a young woman). How would I have managed not being able to successfully breast feed my babies? How would I have managed living with a husband who wasn't equipped to help me manage intensely challenging and depressing aspects of being a mum? How would I have managed what was a significantly depressing lack of sleep? The list goes on and on. Btw, one of the main reasons for me not having a 3rd child involved the sleep deprivation factor. I can relate. It can definitely become mind altering, incredibly depressing (for natural and chemical reasons) and there's a good reason as to why it's still used as a form of torture in some parts of the world. Serious sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Truth be told, I would have managed everything differently to how I did at those times, with both my babies. Actually, the only thing I would not have changed was support through post natal depression group therapy sessions. They actually led me out of long term depression (of about 15 years or so). I suppose the question is 'If you went ahead with the pregnancy, how would you manage things differently?'. While a simple question, the answer or answers are very complex, involving a multifaceted plan. If there were ways to manage things more easily, do you feel the decision would be as hard as what it is?

While I've also gained a lot of insight when it comes to how I manage periods in depression in general, one key thing I've learned within a 22 year marriage is...I partly manage through demanding my husband step up. It's one thing for a partner to voluntarily rise to a challenge while also raising us, it's another for them to simply hope we 'get better' or 'come good' or 'get over' what we're struggling so intensely with. Even if you make the decision to terminate the pregnancy, will your husband step up in all the ways you really need him to or will he just happily just get on with his life after a couple of weeks? If you decide to go ahead with the termination and it comes to be a major struggle and challenge for you to move though, it won't be enough for him to simply observe how he's losing you to your thoughts and feelings. He'll need to work hard on raising you instead. Perhaps you need to ask him how he'd be prepared to manage this. I wish I could offer you a solution that would leave you without any doubt, either way. I truly feel for you as you consider the way ahead.❤️

[Saran]

I appreciate a non-rosey picture. It’s very helpful and insightful - thank you x 

[Saran]

Wow thank you for sharing this, it’s extremely helpful. It’s also comforting to know my struggles are shared (so to speak) 

in my early motherhood journey I already have so many revelations which I believe will grow more in time. 

[Saran]

Thank you very much for sharing this 🤍