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Possibly domestic violence without violence?

Community Member

Hi everyone

im new here this is my first post as I don’t where else to ask I have no friends at all literally. I am a mum of 3 I have a partner who I have been with for 4 1/2 years now which my third child is his daughter who’s nearly 5.
He works 7-5 but is a drinker he drinks every single night after work and can’t not have a beer for one night. He has average about 6-7 beers a night he never drinks during the day only at night after 5.

he definitely has some attitude problems and anger problems which I clearly asked him to get help for a few times but always refuses. I am thinking of leaving but everytime I seem to mention he lays out killing himself and saying he will take full custody of our daughter.
I don’t work because I have a disability and he does so I’m not sure how he could but I was told he can legally take her if he tried and I can’t do anything about it unless I took him to court... the only time I get intercourse is when he wants it when I ask it’s in to tried maybe tomorrow etc just exsuses. He blames me for everything and anything and nothing is ever his fault I had brain surgery last year and plays the you don’t remember card on me. Yes my memory has been bad since surgery but I still know what I say and don’t say or do etc? I’m unhappy I feel trapped because I don’t want to leave my little girl behind because of his threats and at the same time it’s hard because I have borderline personally disorder all though I’m unhappy I can’t stand to be alone regardless I know it sounds bad I tried to put this past many times and I can’t. The thought of being alone kills me and I wel I won’t handle it. I have numerous medical problems and I feel helpless. What do I do? Why would he act like this or do this? He seems to hate my eldest son to but favours my younger son this brings on complications to... I’m so tired mentally

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Mumtoo3~

Welcome here to the Forum, this is a place where many will understand your situation and will know the problem - leave or stay, each seeming to have an impossible side to it. You are very wise to come here and see what others think, and it is a brave thing to set it all out before strangers.

I guess the first thing to say is unfortunately your account is of an 'abusive' relationship. These do not always involve physical violence all the time but consist in control, with you becoming a sort of subordinate or servant to him.

Let's leave the drink for a moment, that's basically his problem -except for family finances.

He plays the "you don't remember trick", to make you rely upon him to know what happened, he blames you for everything and nothing is ever his fault, reducing your self-regard, he threatens you wiht child custody to make you feel helpless -which I'd be most surprised if he could simply do, he threatens suicide if he does not get his own way - plus many more tricks. All designed to make him the master and you always give in.

Sadly a familiar story.

I do not know all the circumstances and am not got to advise you waht might be best, what I will say is you need the perspective, advice and help of people that are thoroughly familiar with the problem.

May I suggest you ring 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) and have a long talk and see where that leads. The more you put up with this behavior the more you will doubt yourself and the more you will feel too stuck to do anything -he is pushing all your buttons in that direction.

I really would like it if you came back and talked some more


Community Member
Hi Mum2three.

I left same sex Domestic Violence five months ago. As a victim and not yet a survivor, it is never ever a pleasant thing to confirm for someone else. I am so sorry, this is Domestic Violence. I will not tell you what to do because it has to be up to you. I do not say this because I do not want to help you, I say it because it is an important part of your journey. I know the agony of doubt and thinking it is ll your fault for the abuse which is what makes most people actually stay.

By posting here you have your doubts. I know it is super hard to trust yourself right now. Try anyway. Some of the forms of abuse being used here are gaslighting, coercive control, threats to frighten you so you stay. Deep down understand that he is doing this because he is afraid you will leave him which is highly likely. He will do anything to make you stay. In this instance, uses your children and threats of suicide. I went through the latter more times than I can count. This is their way of control and it is psychological and emotional abuse. He is using fears (worrying you about his safety if you leave him and inducing self blame for his choice) worrying about losing your kids if you leave.

I could say a lot, however the most important thing here is please when you are safe to do so please call 1800 respect. They have a webpage and are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I still call them five months after leaving. It takes a lot of courage to leave and it is the most dangerous time of all. Please ring them and talk to them to get some much needed and well deserved support.

Stay safe and I wish you well.