Partner wants to move interstate closer to family

[perth_16]

My boyfriend (33) wants to move interstate to be closer to his parents. We’ve been together for 2.5 years. We had a bit of a rocky start but the past year has been amazing. We have lived together for 8 months, we speak about marriage and kids, and have a rough time line for it all. He has been living here for the last 3 years however is originally from far interstate. He is very close to his parents and misses them a lot. 

We just spent Christmas with his family interstate and he was very upset leaving them at the airport to come home. Since we’ve been together my fear has been he will want to move back one day. It’s something I ask often for reassurance. I knew something was up with how upset he was on the plane ride home. I eventually got it out of him that he is considering move back. 
 

He wants me to come with him. I’ve told him before I won’t ever want to move there. I have a secure job, all my family is here and I feel I will need that when I do have kids (his argument is he wants his parents around too for kids). In addition to that, financially we will always be better off here. His parents are older (70) and he says he wants to be with them in their older age in case something happens. He is confused and hurting because he loves me. He says he hasn’t made a decision yet and needs time to think about it. He said he will go to a therapist about it. He doesn’t want to talk about it though at the moment. 
 

He feels he has to make a choice between me and his family. I feel like if he really did see me as his life partner, he wouldn’t leave, the only benefit of moving interstate is being closer to his family. 
We are currently still being a normal couple, happy as every but I can’t stop thinking about this, I feel empty knowing that everything we currently have could be over if/when he does make the call to move. This could be soon or in months, or years. 
 

I need advice, other peoples point of view on the situation, just anything. I can’t stop thinking about it.

thank you 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

relationships and families hey? I can only comment on my situation here with any certainty. Both my brother and myself live in the same city. I remember in the first years after marriage, when our kids were in the age range of 0-3 we would go to my parents place (diff. city) so they could see the grand kids. It was sad leaving. But I also had a job to go back to and friends in the place where I lived. The reality was there was not much for me in the town where my parents lived. I can also remember when mum came down for work purposes when I was is my mid 20s (I had left home) and she admitted to occasionally being sad about leaving.  

When my parents were the about the same age as your partner's, my parents made the decision to move to the same city as us just in case something happened. Today, they are the still here, though they have built a granny flat in the back of the brother's place. Now this scenario was the same for my uncle and a few of my parents friends - moving close to the children. Though I know of some who did it the other way around. And then there are some couples (married) that because of work commitments have to live apart for different lengths of time - well they made the decision.

Part of the decision for my parents moving also was wanting to downsize... having to look after a large garden etc.

Today, technology is also available to allow us to make video type calls to remain connected with loved ones. It is nor the same as the living close but ...  I think it would be OK (?) to go help parents in the case of something serious happened - part of getting old(er). 

When we get to the place that has become our new home we can get back into the old swing of things.  Maybe your partner has not yet. You also mentioned he is talking with an therapist about what this which could be seen as a positive in working on the issues or what's playing on his mind. 

I don't know if anything I have said has helped? I  only talked about me, and perhaps responded to your partner (vs you).  I can understand how you might be worried about what might happen. Hopefully your partner will keep in the loop each step of the way.

[geoff]

Hello Perth, I realise that his parents are aging, but I would think that in loving a partner would come first, someone to spend the rest of your life with, have children and then develop your own life-style.

You can love your parents, but eventually you will only have your partner/spouse to live with and if you are currently happy together, then if he moves back interstate this will finish, surely this needs to be accounted for and must be taken into serious consideration.

I hope you can stay together, because if he moves and you stay where you are, then he will then have another problem to cope with and definitely miss you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[MaddieNic]

Hi Perth,

You're not alone. I find myself in a very similar position with my partner. 3 years ago before we started dating, I told him that I'd be wanting to move back to my home city once we had finished our degrees. At the time he said that was fine and that we should still date even though he was from another city where his family and friends live. We are both close to our family and friends and so I knew that it would be hard one day making the decision, but I had been very open and honest about what I needed from the very beginning. Unfortunately, I now find myself in the situation where I feel I'm asking him to choose between his family/friends and staying in my home city with me. However, practically it's better for us in my home city, financially it's better and my mental health heavily relies on being around my own friends and family. He says he needs time to choose what he wants/needs, which is very hard for me to accept because I feel like he has had years to think about it, and patience is not my strong suit... 

I wish I had a good solution to give you or some great life changing advice, but all I can offer is some sincere empathy as I feel very similarly and it's such a hard position. 

I really hope it works out for you and just remember you're not alone. 

All the best 

[EAbubs]

Hi Perth, 

I'm in Melbourne and my story is exactly like yours but a different location. It makes me feel less alone knowing that I am not the only one facing this. 

I live in Melbourne. He moved here to be with me and after 1 year of living in Melbourne he now tells me he wants to move back to perth because: the economy is not good, Victoria is expensive, his family and friends are back in Perth, he is unhappy with the company he works for. I suggested changing companies and moving to a different suburb but he is not wanting to try those suggestions. He says he is miserable here and wants family/friends support and the support I have given him is different to what he needs. Now he tells me we can still be together while he is still here but we will have to break up once he leaves as he has no intentions of moving back to Melbourne. I feel confused, isolated and betrayed. We had plans to build a life together and I feel like he is throwing all that away for family and friends and work. I feel like he is quitting on me and he is running away thinking the grass is greener on the other side.