Partner wants kids now, I want kids later

[willieollie]

Hello..

I'm in a very confused state.

My partner and I are in our early 30s.. I understand that her biological clock is ticking, I completely understand it.

She wants kids very soon, in the next few months. I'm feeling like I'd be happy to try for a baby by the end of 2020 (just for personal reasons).

My partner has responded by stating that she understands my point of view and doesn't want to pressure me into having a child earlier than I want.

Immediately afterwards she says that she's going to go and find a sperm donor because I dont want a baby just now.

My reaction was feeling hurt and angry, but I've composed myself and now I just feel numb and confused, whether I have the right to feel angry or hurt, or if it's all just my fault and I need to respond to this by agreeing to have a baby soon.

The hurt and anger comes from me feeling like she's going to have a baby with someone else while still with me. I know that's not how it actually is.. but it's just the feeling I have.

Can someone please give their thoughts on this situation? I have no clue how I should react.

[loouuiiee]

Hi willieoillie,

Is it possible that she was joking and didn't mean what she said about the whole 'sperm-donor' thing?

I think it is great that you are being open with her and telling her what you are comfortable with and what you are not.

I would just explain to her that what she said made you feel a certain way.

She wont know that it upset you unless you tell her.

While you know she didn't actually mean she is going to go and have a baby with someone else, hearing her say something similar to that in non-serious conversation still brings up emotions for you that make you feel sad, anxious, unwanted (whatever it is you are feeling).

Hopefully, after you talk it over she understands it is a soft spot for you and isn't really helping you feel ready to start a family and there are probably more constructive conversations you two can have about that in future 🙂

[paddyanne]

Hi willieollie. My initial thought was how long have you been with your partner? If you're new into the relationship, I can fully appreciate you need to know each other before bringing a child into the relationship. If you've been together for a while and you're still relishing the knowledge of coming and going freely then a child is going to cause issues. Your partner's obvious need for a child could be a biological issue for her. Women have been brought up being told we have to have children to be fulfilled. Your partner could be feeling unfilled which would explain the donor idea. The betrayal you feel is as real as her desire for a baby. I feel you are keen on the idea, but not yet. Is there any way you could compromise? Instead of waiting till the end of next year (a lifetime for her), maybe think about earlier. A few months early might mean the difference between less tension and it still gives you time to prepare. Just another viewpoint.

[Juliet_84]

Hi willieollie,

I think she was most likely making you an ultimatum in order to force your hand. But that’s the things with ultimatums, you can never be too sure. I can see this from both sides. You shouldn’t be forced into something if you’re not ready and have given a fairly short timeline, which should be enough. From your girlfriends side, she may think that your 2020 date is a stalling tactic and you may get to that point and still not be ready. And then she is at a point where she may miss having kids altogether. I think you need to clearly state why you aren’t ready yet (and I would be completely truthful here as she will be able to tell) and then if you are serious, I would make an actual date (even if it’s in 2020). This will show her that you are completely committed and are true to your word.

[white knight]

Totally agree with Juliet and your partners reaction is a case of panicking. Some people at 30 worry they'll miss out on having kids.

So put that in perspective and you'll understand. Her comment about a sperm donor was a threat originating from her anxiety with this topic.

The answer here is clear. Go out for dinner, express your love and suggest a compromise. But above all let her know you are aware of her needs to have children.

TonyWK

[SammiSam]

Hi willieollie,

It's possible that she said she'd find a sperm donor in the heat of the moment even if she appeared calm and certain. As a woman she is most likely concerned that he biological clock is ticking away while you want to wait a little while longer. I think if you have a open discussion with her about each other's decisions and feelings you maybe able to come to an understanding. She may need reassurance that you won't change your mind about having children after waiting.