Partner's drinking affecting relationship

[Mr_Walker]

Hi everyone - I haven't been on here for a few years! But I wondered if anyone could give me some different perspectives on this issue...?

My partner and I have been together for 21 years - Ive suffered from Anxiety and Depression most of my life but getting better at coping all the time. I used to drink a LOT before I got my Anxiety diagnosed but I haven't had a drink at all for something like 12-14 years.

My wife though has been drinking more as she's gotten older (we're both 44). She drinks every day and drinks excessively (like falling down drunk) once a week or so. She realises she drinks too much but she doesn't show any signs of slowing or stopping - I've pretty much given up on the hope that she will stop.

But MY problem is how much it bugs me - I feel like I'm being unreasonable (and that may be the case) in wanting her to stop drinking - I don't want to be controlling or demanding - and it seems extreme of me (which it may be) to be remotely considering ending a 20+ year relationship over it - but more and more I feel like I can't deal with it.

I guess I would like to hear other people's opinions on this - is it unreasonable of me to demand that someone else stop drinking? Is it unreasonable of HER that she keeps drinking, knowing how much it's affecting our relationship? (We've discussed it a lot). Is there a different way I should be looking at the whole issue?

I know I'm in the minority in society being a total non drinker and it feels unreasonable to demand that of someone else... I've been trying to NOT let it bug me so much over the past few years but it's not working!

Many thanks for listening!

[Croix]

Dear Mr Walker~

It's past my bedtime but wanted to leave you with two thoughts

"it feels like it's us against the world sometimes"

That is a powerful matter.

The second is me and smoking. I started early in life as a small kid, lured in by packets containing 4 cigarettes that were within the range of a kid's pocket-money and guaranteed instant adulthood, sophistication and savoir faire.

I ended up in my teen's smoking 3 packs a day. As time went on the number increased.

I could not give up. I knew all the facts and acknowledged them, but no dice. Some half-hearted tries but never for long, with reversion at the slightest excuse. Smoking was an integral part of me and if it killed me so be it.

I mentioned I remarried, as it happened it was to someone who's husband had passed away due to lung cancer caused by smoking.

Every time I coughed she went white - but never said a word.

I gave up cold-turkey.

I could not give up for myself, it took ... well you work it out.

'night

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Mr Walker, can I also congratulate you for not drinking, I haven't drunk for almost two years but did while in depression and that's one reason my wife of 25 years decided to leave me and then divorce me.

For someone who did drink, like yourself, it's even harder for you to watch your wife drink, it puts another perspective on the situation and even if she doesn't drink for a day or so, you're just waiting for it to start once again and no matter what you do, nothing is going to stop her permanently.

As you are fostering your grandson, all it would take is for someone to report your wife and her alcohol problem to cause your help to stop or for him to mention to his friends that his grandmother drinks, and then for another mother to mention this to the authorities, sorry to say this.

Don't feel as 'it's us against the world' because when she is intoxicated then making a decision is not easy to obtain, it's virtually what you think and your wife probably won't remember anyway, however, if she promises your grandson something but doesn't follow through with it because she forgets then he is going to complain to whomever.

The only way she is going to stop, because reducing her intake normally doesn't and can't work for an alcoholic as it's an addiction, is for her to decide herself to stop, if you keep asking her will only encourage another drink.

It's very hard for someone who has stopped drinking to live with their spouse/partner while they keep drinking, it irritates how you feel.

I was annoyed when my wife divorced me, but we speak to each other every week, and I can't tell you what to do, but at the moment this is causing you more trouble than you ever expected, I'm very sorry to say.

Would like to hear back from you whenever possible.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Mr Walker

Sorry to hear you're going through multiple challenges. When a partner finds their form of escapism, like alcohol, it can be so triggering when you feel like you're trying to manage a lot of the challenges on your own.

Yes, that claim to fame, I can relate. My husband still tells people on occasion that I used to be able to drink any guy under the table. To be honest, back in the day this was something I was insanely proud of. Much prefer to leave that part of my life in the past, where it belongs. My current sense of pride comes from progressive self development, not self destruction. Maybe it could put things into better perspective for your wife if you mention 'What you're proud of is your ability to put enough toxins into your body to the point where it can take it days to fully recover from overwhelming dis-ease'. Gee, the body's a resilient thing, until it gives up on us.

It's true, giving up drinking is different for everyone. For some it's incredibly hard, for others it's incredibly easy. For me, giving up the booze was a breeze. When my brain changed beyond depression, I couldn't tolerate the smell of alcohol. It's like my brain/body was thoroughly repulsed by it. As time went on, I eventually found I was able to drink but also found I was still a binge drinker. This is why I consciously manage not drinking. Binging turns me into who I don't want to be.

I believe it doesn't matter how much you try leading a drinker to imagine what they're like when they're drunk, if they can't imagine what you're telling them or they refuse to imagine it, not much may change. My 18yo daughter is fed up with her father and is about to reveal to him the audio recordings she's made over time, that involve him going on some drunk rant about stuff. He refuses to imagine he's that bad. He's about to get a wake up call, on top of the one I've just given him. I'll share it with you in the hope that it helps you in the way forward...

I said to him, among other things 'I have now reached the point where I refuse to repeat the same destructive cycles. I have now chosen 2 paths. One is the path where you make conscious decisions and changes in your life. The other is the path where we (the kids and I) leave you to live the way you choose to live. You still have a choice in which path I choose. Choose wisely'. I believe we must have something to look forward to, either way. We must look forward to a difference, as opposed to the same cycles repeating.

🙂

[Mr_Walker]

Thanks Geoff. Yes I've worried about her drinking coming up in the foster issue.. especially because there is some conflict and some vindictive people involved...

And yes it's hard as an ex-drinker - I know how hellish it was for me and it's a bit like going through it again having to watch it...

Really helpful being able to talk about it here though! Thanks everyone!

[Mr_Walker]

Thanks therising - yes I had the same experience - it was REALLY easy to quit (much easier than when I quit smoking - though I expected it to be much harder). And ever since, I've had a very strong aversion to it - the smell makes me nauseous! It's kind of like kryptonite!

And yes I feel a bit of resentment when she cops out and gets drunk and I have to deal with all the family dramas and be the family Uber etc..!

I understand it because I used to do the same years ago but we're in our mid 40s now - she went to a party the other day and she's slept for two days to get over it...

I guess I KNEW I couldn't cut down - I had to stop altogether, I think she thinks she can manage it but it's really not working.

[Mr_Walker]

I think the other thing is, because it was so easy to give up - I've always had a fear (almost a superstition) that there would be some sort of price to pay later - a sort of karma - I think it's partly why I'm SO averse to alcohol - I guess I'm kind of scared of going back to drinking - I've never had the inclination but there's definitely a fear there.

Im also similarly scared of going off my Anxiety meds - I just can NOT go back to how unbearable life was back then...

[Mr_Walker]

Well we had a bit of a breakthrough today - not sure how we'll go but she has said she doesn't want to drink and is going to try to stop. Which is probably further than we've got before...

Thankyou to everyone here - it felt a bit hopeless before talking about it - I still don't know what's going to happen in the future but it's definitely some progress where I didn't feel like there was going to be any..

[geoff]

Hello Mr Walker, and thanks therising your reply was good.

When she says that she wants to stop, that's great but with all alcoholics 'the proof is in the pudding', and I only say that not to be mean, but wonder how she will be able to cope when difficult decisions need to be made or go against how she actually feels herself.

Her doctor can prescribe some medication which takes away any urge to drink, I've tried it, but she has to have a big glass of fizzy drink, lemonade or tonic water that fills her belly up and have something to eat, this doesn't encourage someone to drink and the medication certainly helps, if she decides to drink while taking these pills, then she won't benefit from the alcohol at all, in other words, it's wasting money on grog, plus there is no point taking them every second day because the alcohol will finally win.

Can I ask whether or not she has given you an explanation why she wants to stop, only answer if you want to and also wonder how she is going to feel if all the alcohol in the house is removed, that you can see and not hidden elsewhere in any bottles or cans or even outside, although you will notice if she has been drinking.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Mr_Walker]

Hi Geoff, yes it's a small step so far and it's a long process ahead... But she hasn't said she wants to STOP before, only that she wants to cut down or have a break - so it's some kind of progress - I mean I THINK she's agreeing that cutting down hasn't or isn't going to work..

We haven't talked about WHY she wants to stop yet.. But yes it will be hard next time there's a birthday or a particularly stressful day or any of the other excuses we make for ourselves!

[geoff]

Hello Mr Walker, it is good she says she wants to stop, but if this hasn't happened before, then she doesn't the trials and tribulations of what it's going to involve, especially when faced with difficult decisions that may affect how she feels, or as you say when there is a time to celebrate.

It could be awkward at the beginning but hopefully, she will learn along the way.

Best wishes.

Geoff.