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Partner has untreated ADHD and doesn't help with my anxiety

Community Member

Sorry for the long post - this is a daily struggle of mine.
My partner was diagnosed with ADHD when he was younger but his mum chose not to do anything with it because she didn't believe in it. Fast forward to two years ago, the honeymoon phase of our relationship had worn off and all his habits and lack of ability to listen was really starting to get to me. He's really messy, and I've always been quite tidy. At the start of our relationship, I would clean up after him, but after a couple years I started asking for his help or even just tidying up after himself. He was almost incapable of this which is when I started to push him to explore ADHD/see if he has it and potentially treat it (he'd do things like lose a cup of coffee by leaving it in the pantry, forget to close the front door because he got a call and our dog would escape, or completely miss a deadline because he fell down an internet rabbit hole). That was about a year ago. Since then, I've had countless emotional breakdowns, I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (probably had it for years longer) and I see a therapist weekly.
Part of my anxiety is largely about having a tidy home, not having clutter everywhere etc. I don’t think I’m OCD but I definitely get angry when things aren’t in the place they belong. I’m the kind of person who leaves a room as if they were never there and he is the kind of person who leaves a room as if he’s been living there for weeks and i have to beg for days for him to tidy. There have been times where I've told him I am not happy at home and I reiterate what I need from him and many times I have threatened to leave because I just can't handle it. Sometimes it's good for a week or so until he goes back to his old habits.I just don't feel like a priority or like he really cares about me and each time I feel let down by him I get so angry! I feel like it's my fault because I'm the one who has the problems and if I didn't have these issues or like things a particular way, everything would be fine.
Each time we have a serious discussion, we discuss him going to a GP regarding ADHD and he seems keen to do it but he never follows through and it just becomes this never ending cycle.

Can ANYONE relate to anything like this? I'm starting to go insane and question everything about my life and relationship and wonder if I'm only making myself more depressed by living with my partner or being with him at all. I almost feel like I could only be happy by living alone?

10 Replies 10

Community Member

Hi Berenbel.

I am sorry that you feel this way and you're not alone.

Honestly, you're doing such a good job seeking support for yourself and as a partner/carer, the dynamic in the relationship needs adjusting as you are finding that your partner is not meeting your expectations. Unfortunately, you cannot change someone to make them align to what you need them to do but you can both work together to have equal balance.

Relationships are not about one person, they are about love, care, support and nurturing each other, no matter what the situation is. It's a balancing act and it can be really tough but do what loves does. Continue to seek support for yourself, I would also recommended that you find out a better way to communicate with your partner so that you feel more happier within yourself.

Also, not implying this but don't nag or make a big deal as this can push a partner away, come to an agreement that satisfies both of you.

Look after yourself - having a partner is a blessing.