Partner has lied so many times I can’t trust him
When I first met my partner 5 years ago, he was hardworking, family orientated & great to get along with. We travelled & got engaged however things started to change around 2.5 years ago. He began asking for money (ranging from $100-$1000) every 2-4 days and would get nasty if I wanted to know what it was for or if I said no. He became distant from his large family & slept for days on end (every weekend). November last year, i went through his phone (wish I had done it sooner) because I became really suspicious of his behaviour- he sleeps with his phone turned off inside his pillow case. I found out he was doing drugs (pretty much begging for it). He denied it & I left him. He begged & begged for me to take him back & said he was doing drugs but he could stop. Months of him coming to my work every day & calling/messaging, I took him back. He had lost everything. His business, his car, property, savings & has ended up with a $40,000 debt all from drugs & gambelling. A few weeks after taking him back, I found a pipe in his car & saw messages of him again asking for drugs & borrowing money from everyone he knew for it. Again, he denied it then eventually admitted when I kicked him out. He again begged & begged me to stay & said he would go to rehab. He went down to a $30,000 rehab clinic & seemed back to normal when he got out. He stuck with his routine for 2 weeks then began acting strange again. Going for drives at 3am most mornings to “get a burger” or to “get phone credit”. I found a pipe in the bathroom cupboard & a work colleague of mine saw him smoking drugs on the side of my road In my car. I kicked him out again & he blamed me for his relapse & said I am his trigger. Despite this, he is begging me to forgive him & help him move forward. My heart is completely shattered. I work full time & study full time so I have had no time to look after my own well-being. I feel broken. I want to have a family & if I leave for good, I am scared I will throw my chances away (I am nearly 29). I also found out he had been sleeping with prostitutes this year - we have been rocky but I know I would have paid for them all & I know he would have been with me after them all. I love him & miss him when I’m not with him.. more so because he tells me how much he needs me & now he wants us to work on things so we can build a future.
I don’t know whether I am being too harsh. seems like everyone is doing drugs these days.
You're not being too harsh, in fact, far too lenient.
A elderly lady friend of mine some 20 years ago paid for her partners $40,000 debt by mortgaging her house. He said he'd give up gambling.
Two years ago he convinced her to take out a reverse mortgage (high interest) to renew the kitchen and many home improvements taking the mortgage to $90,000. This year she spent a few months in aged care as she has Parkinson's disease. During that time he gambled all that money away and $30,000 on her credit card-why? He claimed he was bored at the time.
It's clear now that she is unlikely to afford the aged care she wished for. Upon talking to her she said "his gambling is an illness, he really is a good person."
That's what your post reminded me of. When trust is broken and addiction is involved- get out of that relationship, cut your losses and once recovered, find someone you can trust.
Hello Sarah_B, a warm welcome and thanks for posting your comment which must have devastated and certainly been a shock.
Your partner hasn't been honest with you in so many respects and this makes you unsure of what's he's saying is the gospel truth or deviated to an acceptable level and from what you've told us, it's doesn't seem to either of these.
If he was able to go to rehab, it's another cost which is expensive and yes he may seem to have overcome his drugs, gambling and any possible alcohol problems, as what I've seen this is also involved, but as soon as he meets up with his friends or frequents his favourite spots, it can all start once again, especially if money is owing.
It's logically not possible to ask him to leave and then accept him back when he promises the world, simply because without immense and intense counselling that is rather impossible.
He has lost all his personal property leaving a debt, I can only suggest but it would take enormous trust by you and from what you've told us, this is far from lacking and all it will do is make you unsure.
Any friends certainly won't be opening their purses/wallets, knowing they will never see a return.
Take care, please.
Thank you for your reply Tony.
I wish it was as easy as that. Last time this happened, he came to my work every day begging. He broke into my house & refused to leave. I had to pretend to call the police & he still would not go. I am too afraid to get the police involved because I do not want him to go down that path. I know people who have been to jail & it ends up being their life.
I tried to message him to explain to him I am doing this for my own well being as well as for him. I feel like such a horrible person making him leave when i should be supporting him & helping him get through it. It is breaking me down. I just don’t know how I can help him when he lies about everything. He is completely ignoring what I am saying & has been messaging me to ask if I would like to go to the gym with him today or if I would like to see him because he loves me very much and wants to work on things. I have done this to myself really. I have taken him back after his begging so now he thinks he can beg and come back every time. It’s really hard ignoring someone’s messages & pushing someone away you love. I just know this will never end. I was in this exact same position with him last Christmas
One good thing about him is he is very committed in this relationship. He has never threatened to leave & when I can’t take it anymore, he refuses to leave.
Thank you for replying. He did go to rehab down in Sydney & relapsed after 2 weeks. I’m not too sure he relapsed. I partly think he sourced it as soon as he got back home.
He is really good at making me feel sorry for him & knows what to say to get me back. It’s really sad because he actually is a really nice guy. He will do absolutely anything for anyone & everyone loves him. He just has this secretive life. I have never been able to use his phone unless he watches over my shoulder or unless he is quickly deletes things first and as mentioned in my post he sleeps with it turned off inside his pillow case every night. He said it’s just a habit.
his family are all so lovely & they have said I need to be strong & walk away. They have said he is being very manipulative & I can see that. It’s just hard to know when he is being honest about what I have done to him To cause this & when he is Making things up to upset me. Last time he was on drugs, he laughed at me while I cried. He said he can’t feel sorry for me after everting I have done to him. I just don’t know what it is I have done. When I ask him, he makes no sense.
I'm sorry but we'll agree to disagree on how hard it is to be decisive on this situation.
For many people when their partner sleeps with prostitutes let alone the many examples of trust broken many even most people would sever their ties immediately. Is there any behaviour he'd do that would cause you to sever ties? I don't think so and he knows it.
Similar to the example I have I believe you are enabling him to continue with his activities but not being firm enough. That is why you will not find an ideal answer to this problem. Did you post hear with the hope you'll find an easy remedy other than that?
Highlighting your lack of decision or firmness is my way of just being truthful and as I see it, the only answer to the problem.
I wish you well.
If I can give you one piece of advice, you are not to blame for your husband's addiction; he has some serious problems.
While I admire and applauded your loyalty, I don't see a happy ending with an addict. Would and could you trust him with your children? Something to think about!
You deserve much better!
It seems that he has worked out that whatever boundaries you set, they are rather flexible. So he doesn't need to change, he will just keep pushing and you will allow him back after he tells you how it is all going to be better. It may help to talk to someone about what to do. You will probably end up needing to go to the police to make him keep away from you. That should be non-negotiable. If you make a reasonable request, then he should respect that.
My belief is that he is never going to be better. Each time he hits bottom he will drag himself far enough up to survive for a while and then relapse.There will always be the lure of pleasure from dugs, gambling and sex and he only when he learns and wants to resist will he be fine, and some people never do. A friend's ex had a gambling problem, and she ended up leaving even though they had children 13 and 7 because they were never going to have anything.
I wouldn't worry about being 29. Take a short break and then start looking for someone new.
I have been in your situation with my partner that turned to drugs so he could numb the pain, escape the reality they do not want to deal with their issues, this can be a whole range of issues and none will be a direct result of the way you are,
My partner did not put me in financial debt nor did he ever dare to ask for money, every piped I found I smashed it, I made it very clear that I will not tolerate that behaviour.
Although my relationship doesn't have the drugs involved anymore, and it took me years for him to realise that I'm not that person that will condone his behaviour, we still have our issues now.
i would not take your husband back nor would I enable him to do the drugs at the end of the day if he wants to change there is so much support out there that can allow him to do so and if he wants to go to rehab then it would have to be long term to sustain the change and for him to really work through his problems and to realise the reality of what he has done.
im sorry you're going through this but needless to say you won't be the last person either.