FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Partner has feelings for somebody else

Bassface909
Community Member

So recently my long term partner has come out and said they have feelings for somebody else. We are in a relationship over ten years. This other person has been in our life sexually a few times (open relationship) in the past but that fizzled out and the past few months my partner and them have formed a new friendship, which I am totally fine it. It looks like it became an infatuation somewhat as they wanted to spend more time together and growing the friendship side of things etc.

Partner has since told this person that the feelings were growing and that they need to cease communication with each other. Other person has said they have feelings too but don't really want to come between us. Partner has been feeling really low since then and said they now have a broken heart and it needs to mend etc.

Nobody is at fault here as feelings cannot be controlled and I don't blame anybody for what happened. I am just finding it a little difficult to process with reason and logic that a heart is broken after a few months. Is this something between them or is it just a new friendship?

Any advice or thoughts?

I am feeling like we are at a crossroads and I do not want to cloud any decision making by anybody by offering deep insights or getting angry, sad, etc.

My thoughts are clear enough considering what is going on but I just dont know how to support my partner and proceed through this.

10 Replies 10

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I feel a different perspective is what you are seeking.

Broken hearts can occur in just a couple of weeks let alone months plus with a previous sexual connection. I don’t think you can conclude your partners broken heart on your own views. We don’t judge here your lifestyle of an open relationship however some lifestyle choices can come with risks and in this instance your partner had grown attached emotionally.

On the plus side he has shown signs of solidifying your relationship with him....just he has expressed his sadness. I think time is your friend and you have opportunities to enhance your relationship with him with activities and romance to push home what he has...not what he doesn’t have.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

Thanks for your reply Tony.

So it has since come out that it was an emotional affair and my partner doesn't know what they want anymore. Other person showed them some emotion in which I was lacking in some areas and it has thrown our marriage into disarray. They are talking about moving out to go find themselves but I am wondering if that is really just as easy way of ending it all?

Head is all over the place and emotions are running high, feeling sad, inadequate, guilty, shame, rejected, and a few others.

Partner has been messaging the other person to see if they are okay during this which is freaking me out a little and is hurting quite bad.

Lost as to where to turn to or what to do.

It's very tough living with a person who is not committed to you as the only or primary spouse.

There are no easy solutions for you. One thing that I have learnt (the hard way) is that it is impossible to make an adult change their mind in matters of the heart. Any positive change in your partner's attitude has to come from them, persuasion simply does not work. In fact, it probably makes the situation worse.

They are talking about moving out to go find themselves .......

I'm sorry Bassface but the sentence above is probably code for" I want to end the relationship but I don't want to be brutal about it." Their logic is that stepping away allows things to die slowly and with less pain, while still being able to engage with the new friend.

My advice to you is if nothing has changed by the time you read this, is to let your spouse go. If they truly need to find themselves and they still love you, they will find a way to come back. Good luck.

Yes I tend to agree.

In such situations change happens quickly, I mean he is contacting her to see if she is ok?

odd,

TonyWK

Bassface

It is very hard as you are waiting on two people to make up their minds and act.

I would ask what do you want?

Is it possible to tell your partner what you want instead of waiting for him to make up his mind.

I was in a relationship where the person could not decide if that wanted me or another and it was stressful. After I was waiting for him to make up his min.

one day I made up my mind. I felt better.

Just my opinion and you may feel different as it is a different situation.

I know waiting is so hard.

I want to try and fix the issues at hand. We have been together a long time and things go up and down in any relationship. I would like to give it the attention it deserves and then if it doesn't work we can finish knowing we gave it our all.

So ties have been severed with the other person. My partner met up with them to let them know it wasnt really them they had feelings for but more the things they were giving my partner that I was lacking. So I suppose that is a step forward and something that is removed from the equation. We are going on a date to discuss it in more detail and see what will become of it all so its not the be all and end all. It seems to be a work in progress and I can deal with that. Sometimes things in life just take time to work through. Maybe this is one of them.

Hi

Whatever you feel is best for you then do that. Relationships can be complex and they are all unique.

We try to steer people in a direction that is best for your mental health by offering views of clarity.

At the end of the day it’s your call.

Good luck

TonyWK

So he has moved out to stay with family as his head is all over the place. He has a lot going on in his head and said he needs to sort out some issues before he can make a decision whether to stay with me or not.

He is feeling like he lost his identity, feels like he doesnt fit in in a big city and feels like he has been living in my shadow. It seems to be more personal issues than issues with me and him.

So now we are going to communicate minimally and see each other once a week so he can try work through some of his own issues I suppose. I just hope he is okay because I care about him so much. Its very tough to deal with now knowing what he is doing and how he is feeling.

When is too soon to reach out if he has asked for space? I am so confused.

Hi bf

I would make sure that when you do meet that you have s good caring and loving time. That’s what he’ll cling to.

There is little else you can do to - hurry him up. But I would put on my own time limit for sanity.

Short story- I’m 64yo. At 21 I met a lady 28yo with s child and we fell in love. We lived together those 6 years on and off. Up to 3 times a week she’d leave a note and go to her mothers then few days later return. This was the result of a psychiatric condition.

After 5 years (I wanted marriage and kids) I told her I’d give her 12 months to make up her mind. The 12 month arrived and I left. So hurt.

Aboit 2 years later I bumped into her. She was living with another guy. When asked if she leaves notes for him every few days and leave she confirmed she did.

The moral of the story- sometimes you have to set boundaries and move on. What is s fair time is up to you- it’s your call.

TonyWK