Partner blamed me for herpes, but he already had it.

[paramount23]

Ive been seeing my partner for nearly 4 months now, so still very new, but about a month ago he came too me and said that he got tested and found out he had herpes. I told him I didnt have any STD's, but I went and got tested just to ease his mind (all clear). When I told him I was clean he still made me feel like I was hiding something and that I must have given it to him. He made me feel so guilty over something that I hadnt even done...

This weekend just gone, I was over his house and helping him clean up around the house, when I found a script for his herpes medication which was dated October 2017. He had made me feel so bad, making me think I must have given this too him, when he has had it months before he even met me. I dont even care that he has it, just the fact he lied and tried to make me feel guilty when he knew all along. I feel like he was waiting too see if he had infected me so that he could put the blame on me.

I have no idea what to do, I havent confronted him about it, but I feel like how do I trust whatever he says? I need some advice because Ive just been thinking about this whole thing non stop, and have no idea what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Paramount23~

I'm sorry you have found out your partner is untrustworthy, but that sadly that is the case.

Any relationship should be between people that care for and want the best for each other. Trust is a big component of that. If you plan on spending you life with someone it has to start out looking as if it will work, and here, after 4 months, you find he has not only not been up-front about his condition, but probably hoped to blame you for it too.

This shows a callous disregard for your welfare on two levels, first that you might catch an STD, and secondly that it would be OK to blame you even though you were innocent.

The fact he can make you feel guilty even though you know the facts is another - big - danger signal. Controlling behavior of this sort cannot end well.

Please step back and think what you are getting into. Do you have anyone in your life to talk frankly with - a parent or family member or friend? Just talking something over can help and leave you feeling less alone.

Croix

[RandR]

Hi @paramount23

Firstly, @Croix has given some fantastic thoughts and feedback around the situation.

Secondly, I'm so sorry to hear that and what a cruel, harsh and disrespectful approach. Trust has to be earned. It's not given. I appreciate it's only been 4 months but that type of behavior to me is like the writing is already on the wall. That's a very, very serious to lie about and to push blame onto you makes me wonder who else he may have done this too before you.

A good girlfriend of mine had a very similar situation to you and I remember telling her that if you sleep with dogs, you'll wake up with fleas (and I mean no disrespect to you at all I just simply remember what I told her). Now I absolutely love dogs, having two of my own. That aside, your partners act was a 'dog' act. Plain and simple and I hope you don't mind me being direct about it.

You sound like a highly mature and respectful person, and a person who is deserving of better treatment than that.

As my favorite saying goes: "Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt".

Stay safe and good luck! Wishing you all the best.

Kind regards,

Raman.

[BluBelle]

Hey paramount23, I'm sorry your bf tried to gaslight you like that. That was a lousy thing for him to do.

As far as I'm aware, herpes isn't tested for in a standard STI screening unless you have current symptoms. If you have sores, they can swab the sores and tell you if it's herpes but the only way to do it if you aren't currently having an outbreak is to do a blood test. Doctors don't usually offer to do the blood test because it's unreliable, they often return false negatives/positives.

Herpes gets a bad wrap because it's incurable and people associate with being promiscuous. However, it's really not that big a deal - it's just an uncomfortable skin disorder that was considered completely normal, nothing to worry about up until the 70s when the company who makes cold sore ointment started marketing it as a huge issue to sell their product. Around 90% of ALL humans on this earth have the herpes virus, either Type 1 (which normally causes cold sores but can be transferred to genitals through sexual contact) or Type 2 (which normally occurs on the genitals, but can be transferred to your mouth the same way). Most people who have the virus never have an outbreak, or maybe have one and then never again. Lots of babies get it from relatives kissing them when they have a cold sore, for example. You can also infect someone even without an outbreak, through whats known as viral shedding.

So, in saying all that - if you hadn't found the medication from 2017 it may have been possible that you did "give him herpes", because you were in that 90% of the population but were asymptomatic and had never been tested for it before in STI screenings, or had a cold sore and didn't know it could be passed from mouth to genitals. HOWEVER, he has clearly had an outbreak and instead of being a responsible adult and sharing his STI status with you up front, he pretended it was your fault. That to me is a far bigger dealbreaker than just having herpes. He has also put you at risk of catching it. Ask him what type he has. If it's HSV1 and you have had a cold sore in the past, you don't need to worry too much because you can't catch it twice. But if it's HSV2 make sure you see a doc if you notice any tingling, itching or burning around sensitive areas.

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Paramount23,

You've had some great and insightful replies so far but I thought I'd add my experience because a similar thing happened to me a few years ago.

I suddenly had some alarming symptoms so I went to my doctor and tested positive to a common STI, since I hadn't slept with anyone except my partner for the last 8 years, I knew something was wrong. When I confronted him, he said I was a slut and obviously cheated on him, he got angry and yelled at me.

I knew this wasn't right and I knew I'd done nothing wrong so I confronted him again, this time he admitted to cheating on me multiple times.

The fact that he was willing to risk my health but also try to manipulate me so blatantly was unforgivable.

I left him. The trust was gone and his behaviour disgusted me.

I know you're partner hasn't cheated but the manipulating behaviour and being sneaky about his sexual health isn't right. If he had been open with you about it then it's something you probably could have worked through but lying about it and putting your health at risk is not ok.

Take some time to work out if he is the best person for you, as has been said above, maybe reach out to a friend or family member for more support.

Please take care of yourself

Gem