parents separating

[doctorwho]

so I heard not long ago that my parents are separating, I was initially really upset about it and I am still a bit sad about it. the thing I don't understand though is that they have already both moved on so quickly, by that I mean trying to pursue something with other people. is this weird? I sort of found it weird? they are not even divorced yet. what do you think? would love to hear your thoughts below

[quirkywords]

doctorwho

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your first post.

It is hard when parents separate especially fir the children. My children were teenagers and they were pleased in a way as we were arguing a lot and the atmosphere was tense.

I think seeing your parents moving in with another person can be hard.

Have you spoken to them about the separation?

[james1]

Hello doctorwho

Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents separating. My own parents also separated then divorced, and are both now with different partners - one has remarried. I know from personal experience as well that this can be really really confusing.

As quirkywords mentioned, it could be helpful to speak to them about the separation. A lot of the time, the parents will try to keep their children out of the separation or divorce as much as possible because of worry that it'll affect the children. The downside is that this can make it more confusing when you don't really have any answers and nobody seems to want to talk to you and acknowledge your confusion.

Otherwise, I don't know if you have any friends whose parents also separated, but friends can be a good source of support as well. When I started talking to my friends about my parents getting divorced, I was quite surprised to hear how many of them also had worries about their family life. It's quite a common problem and I found that, when I felt like there was nothing I could do to keep my family together, it was nice to be able to find comfort in a group of friends who could stick together around me.

James

[doctorwho]

Hi Quirkywords,

yea I have sort of, and I understand there is nothing I can do or say to make them not divorce but I only wish there was. I guess this is one of those things that you don't understand until it happens to you, then it hits you real hard I finally understand what children go through when their own parents divorce. the thing for me though, is that I sort of felt lost, and not knowing whether I can pick up the pieces again, or how long it would be until I would heal. my parents separation is more of a one sided thing, where my mum wants it whereas my dad doesn't he told me there's nothing he can do now and I didn't know what to say. My mum is the sort of person where if she wants to do something, she has already made up her mind and there isn't any way to change it. this is the same with the fact that she will move back to her home country permanently, that made me really sad as well because I won't be able to see her as much as I have over the past 21 years, or hug her, she said I can video chat with her but I don't feel like that is the same as seeing them in person if you get what I mean. I have tried telling her that if she stayed, I could visit her all the time and of course she would be living in another house but I could regularly visit her. if she moves, I would have to fly to see her and thats not the same thing, but she's already made up her mind and there's no way I could change it. I also feel its weird that both of my parents are already pursuing a relationship with someone else, and they haven't even divorced yet. I also found out not long after my parents told me they were going to get divorced, one night I saw my dad sitting in a chair and he was a bit down so I asked him what was wrong and it was my fault because I wanted to no, and thats when he said that he is seeing someone, thats were my heart broke. finally, I feel upset because they are the only family I have, and my only family is breaking up I just feel really empty inside.

p.s. I am sorry for the long message.

[ecomama]

Dear doctorwho

I'm so sorry all these massive changes (and hints of betrayal) are happening in your life right now.
I know it's a really hard time.

Sure my parents separated and I have also divorced my children's fathers too.

I'm SO sorry your mum is moving! This is pretty horrible for you on top of everything else. Hugs.

There really seems to be nothing you can do about these adults making choices and you being so hurt by them.

You could be experiencing a lot of grief over these losses.
You may also feel a sense of betrayal over your dad having an affair (it certainly made sense to me why my parents divorced when I put the pieces together at about 20yo - they'd separated when I was about 7yo. I felt completely betrayed).

Now more loss with your mum leaving the country.

Please know that there are helpline Counsellors to help you deal with all of your feelings and emotions and situation. They give us really good strategies to help us during this time.
You can call the BB helpline and they may refer you to the Grief Helpline.

Yes with about 50% divorce and % rising in 2nd and 3rd marriages, there are SO many ppl who've gone through similar, you may feel a kinship with these ppl by having a "shared human experience".

Hugs again.

Love EM

[doctorwho]

Hi James, I have sort of spoken to them about the divorce but you sort of just end up with this overwhelming grief and sadness. I don't know if my parents ever remarry, but if they do I will probably feel confused as well. I agree that its good to speak to others that are going through the same things, and lean on friends for support but I for one have always had trouble opening up and coming here and asking for advice I found really hard. I thankyou for your advice 🙂

[doctorwho]

Hi Ecomama, thankyou I really needed a hug. I find that it's good to know I am not alone, that there are other people who have gone through the exact same thing. In terms of the affair, I don't know if it is? I mean they met online, they haven't met in person, they have been chatting a lot over text, I think they may have seen each other through video chat but thats it. I mean, I will probably figure it out later in life whether it is or isn't cheating. anyway, thanks for your support 🙂

[geoff]

Hello Doctorwho, thoughts that parents would ever break up is furtherst from their mind when they marry, but as time progresses they do unfortunately decide to 'call it quits' and there maybe many issues the children aren't aware of and as much as their children are upset won't bring their parents back together, believing that two happy families is better than one unhappy family, where the parents are always arguing about something.

Whether or not another person has been involved to cause this separation, you won't know until later on, but if it has, then your parents had issues they couldn't sort out.

My ex and I broke up and then divorced but we still talk with each other as if nothing happened, however she found a partner but is now the care taker having to look after him, while I remained single.

Parents who separate and then find another person almost straight away is because they need someone to not only nuture them but to try and take their mind of what's just happened, because if they are left alone will only encourage a mind disorder or some type of depression, they need the love from another person, and as difficult this is for their kids to accept, that's exactly what the parents want.

If a divorce is pending, and you're not sure if this is going to happen, then depending on circumstances it will happen over time.

You can also contact Kids Help line 1800 55 1800 either by phone, webchat or online support but it only happens if you're 25 years and younger.

It must be distressing to know this has happened and may seem to break up the family, but we want to help you through this, so hope you can get back to us.

Geoff.