Parenting decisions in blended family

[Stewmi]

This is my second marriage. My kids who are now young adults and late teens have always been in my care. My husband new this when he first insisted to date me. He has 2 young children not yet teens. We are the same age. My older kids dont live at home. Theyre not in trouble and are well. I have a close relationship with them, theyve only moved out for independence. They got along with my husband. They come back to visit regularly like once a week sometimes they may stay over. Not all at once but to say hello or feel at home. One of them needs to come home as living out there is not working out. My husband does not want any of them back home and he doesnt like them coming regularly. I dont understand as they're not interfering. They're polite and considerate. We have been very accepting of he and his boys as they are our family. But this stance of its his way or the highway i dont understand. I have to ask his permission first and I tend to not anymore because theyre my kids they have noone else as their bio dad doesnt bother and the answer is always no, i don't accept his reason of they need to learn to be more independent. They moved out. I get that but we're a family and my door is open with boundaries ofcourse but his boundaries are like for his younger kids. I can see where hes coming from but theres somethings that arent age or developmentally appropriate. Its a new way of his being and I'm stressing to accept it. Im scared to talk with him as i feel im not heard.

[geoff]

Hello Stewmi, a warm welcome to the site and what your husband is saying isn't acceptable, they are your kids and you have every right they are allowed to come over, the rules of the household should not be controlled by what he wants, a mutual agreement needs to be agreed on, and if he doesn't want this to happen then perhaps he should go out for the day.

I'm sorry I shouldn't say what needs to be done because it's not my decision, but I feel for what is not allowed these are your kids and they want to see you, to make sure all is ok.

I'm also sorry that your thread has been overlooked, this can happen if the forums are busy.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[quirkywords]

Stewmi

I to welcome you to the forums.
I can understand how your husbands decision would upset you.
I wonder has anything changed recently as I think you wrote “ it is a new way of his being”.

what was he like before he changed. blended families need to be flexible. Is it possible to sit down an chat freely so you can both be heard.

Feel free to post as much as you like.

quirky

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I see your husbands stance as selfish.

Having been in two step parent situations that haven't worked out, I've come to the conclusion that a good step parent is one that includes a nurturing quality, even to young adults e.g. your children.

As the situation you find yourself in is full of complex emotions it is advisable to seek counseling so the 3rd person can openly tell your husband the obvious- he's unreasonable.

If he doesn't attend then attend alone so you can benefit from some clarity.

TonyWK

[Stewmi]

Sorry for the late response. Im quite busy and lost my login details with issues to my phone. I have wondered if I got a response as this has still been a huge issue.

I have kept myself busy with my work.

I guess I feel I can't make decisions without his permissions at times. Not always but sometimes. I dont want to make him look like the bad guy either as he has a lot on his plate as well but when it comes to me wanting to discuss things its like I can't discuss my opinion. I'm not afraid for his tantrum it's just the mental pain on my mind like is it me that I am emotionally attached. I do make my kids responsible for their actions and follow through on anything I say. But so what if my son needs to stay long term as he has no mates to move in with. Everyone develops differently and life isn't a rule book to follow easily as it throws all sorts of things at you. I know if my son could stay with mates he would. He is working just recently and can hold a job.

Another issue is we iust repaired the ducted heating, another son of my own in his room was with us at the time. Husband asked apparently I forgot but now remember and didnt think it was such a big deal. Husband asked whether we want the vents closed or open. Im not keen on closing vents ever so i said open. My son said nothing trusting us to do the job. A few days later my son complained how hot it is in his room. I commented we can turn it down the vents seem to be working. My husband spoke rudely at me saying why didnt he say to close the vents. You didnt teach him! I looked puzzled teach him?

You never told him about the difference of the open closed vents. I explained I'm not one for closing vents due to the build up of dust. My kids know that.

Well you can close the vent. I chose to turn the heater down. He turned it back to the level as he wanted me to instruct my son on how to close a vent. Not me to close it but my son. I havent ive told my son to step outside of his room. I told my husband I wont tolerate bullying, when he calms down we will discuss the our differences.

Should i think more on how to teach my kids life skills. My son is 15, he is very independent with many things but I dont have them perfect on everything.

What am i doing wrong?