Parent Alienation Syndrome

[Dadmeister]

Hi all, any tips on how to handle Parent Alienation Syndrome? I’ve been going through a hell of a divorce for 3 years which is being played out in the courts after I caught my wife of 25 years having had an affair. As she was so embarrassed about the affair and lost most of her friends and some of her family she decided her only hope was to cling to our 3 daughters and fill them with venom about me. My eldest daughter has now kit spoken to me for 18months and my youngest I have not seen in 6 months and she spent the last visit shaking. My middle daughter is hot and cold. 
I don’t boast about many things in life but I was an amazing hands on father fully involved and interested in all my daughter’s activities.

I now struggle so much without my daughters and everyone says just give it time but as months turn into years I just can’t see how I will ever be able to reconcile with them when they only having a narcissist giving them their narrative.

Will always love my daughters 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

It's great that a dad in such a distressful situation write in for help, thankyou.

I was in a similar situation and out of 2 daughters the youngest one 29yo I gave up on 3 years ago due to her copying her mothers narcissistic ways. My eldest and I are very close and her step mum is now her mother. 

So, alienation, had many years of it with that youngest, me being demonised even though not one late child support payment in 14 years. Heart shattering moments over that time including my daughter in hospital for a serious back injury and she refused me visitations. Shocked I visited her mother only for her to say "thats her decision not mine". I argued "Your decision through her". You wont win as there isnt a law against such evil methods of revenge. When my youngest reached 18yo I sent a message to their mother to never contact me again under any circumstances.

This wont be easy- you are going to have to wait till they mature and see their mother in the right light and/or learn from others that you are a good dad. There are risks however, that they could end up the mirror of their mother and adopt her ways which can only be countered by not doing the same. In my youngest case I was aware the cruel methods she grew up with like contacting me on Fb for a week, find out whats going on then block me. Unblock 2 years later "hi dad". 10 days later block me. After 12 years of this for my own protection I blocked her. Very hard to do but with mental health issues I had no option, I'd already made an attempt on my life when with their mother a week before I left.

So, my major suggestion is- become really active in your life, l used to have model airplanes, outdoor active and indoor building them. An idle mind dwells forever. I guarantee one day one daughter will knock on your door. At 12yo my eldest came to live with me and at 24yo began psychiatric care due to how her mother treated her. She's now 33 and still going. In fact her mother treated her the same as she treated me. So if anything like that happens to your daughters if they know you would care for them they will come. Keep up the birthday cards and small gifts with simple words  like "always your dad" or similar. Let them have their choice to visit or not or they'll feel pressured and that feeds their mother.

Dont give up. please read the first page of the following-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999 

If it all gets too much?  Lifeline 131114, Beyondblue 1300 224 636  Dads in distress 1300 853 437

Reply anytime  TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Dadmeister

Thanks for reaching out here.I find you story so sad but skas it happens.

Tony has shared his living experience and helpful suggestions with you.

I think keep the communication open in many ways  mail email text not too much but just showing you are thinking of your daughters.

i have a friend whose daughter did not contact her for several, one day she just rang up. She had a child and wanted hdr to be a grandmother.

[Dadmeister]

Thanks Tony, I haven't been on the forums for well over a year while i sorted myself out mentally. It was so reassuring to come back see that you are still doing your fine work here. Honestly, I think you should be awarded an OAM or Australian of the Year. I remember your story and found a lot of it rung true with me. 

I endured mental and physical abuse from my ex over a lot of years and definitely suicidal ideation was prominent in my mind. The one daughter i do speak to a bit keeps telling me that my narcissistic ex wishes nothing but death for me on a daily basis. 

The positive is last week I had to spend a full day in mediation (which was fruitless) with her in the same room and due to the massive amount of self improvement I have done, she had no effect on me.

I agree that keeping my mind active helps plus I found a new partner in my life over the last 18 months. Its amazing when you find someone who has gone through the same abuse as you and how you help each other out.

I'll keep trying with my daughters and hopefully one day they will see the light.

Thanks

Anthony

[white knight]

Hi Anthony,

That's great, glad you remembered me and thankyou for your kind words.

I too married a kind woman also she was abused. Get this, her abusive husband and my abusive ex wife are brother and sister. Mental abuse ran in the family. Now we often sit for a cuppa and remines about those days we met the wrong person.

What I'd like to mention is that one day this horror will all come to an end. Your children will be wiser, you'll have zero contact with your ex and her antics and your kids will find their own way. Whenever my kids said "mum hates you" I'd calmly say "do you think its nice to hate someone"? as a question, then they think it our for themselves without you demonising. Worked in the long run because my kids couldnt factually criticise me. They'd return home and mum would interrogate them but they didnt convey any hate speech. 

In mediation you've risen above her, left her in your wake. Sadly there are a good percentage of people that want revenge yet I've met couples that split and keep a friendship going. I think it depends on maturity and it only takes one person to not let that happen. 

If you feel like it keep us informed.

INK SPOT

To focus on an ink spot

So damn irrelevant

Missing the value of what

Passes me by

I straighten myself

As if I’ve won

Against the fool

Move my eyes from that ink spot

I no longer focus on….

TonyWK