Paranoia after leaving emotionally abusive partner
I recently left my GF of 5 1/2 years. My counsellor suspects she may be a covert narcissist based on the behaviours. Research into that topic really hit home, it explained so much.
It's been 2 weeks since I broke up with her. Without doubt it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. The weeks leading up to the break up were horrific. My mental health deteriorated to the lowest point it's ever been. I had to leave.
It's been up and down since. I'm okay - but I'm extremely paranoid. I feel like she's hiding around the corner all the time. In the early days after the break-up she was texting me; I replied politely but firmly telling her that I don't want to talk. The tone of the messages became more angry, so I blocked her number. It's the first time I've ever had to block someone. After that, she managed to leave a voicemail from a different phone number. I sent one final text message responding; simply saying that I need to get well again and I need her to leave me alone.
Anyway, I have received a few strange missed calls - all from phone numbers I don't know. I rarely get calls like that.
I've had to change my phone number.
The problem is the paranoia has extended to me being afraid of turning lights on in my own home etc. I'm afraid she will show up if it's obvious that I'm there.
I realise I'm probably being irrational. I've been walking on eggshells for 5 1/2 years- it's a hard habit to break.
Thanks for listening
Hi there Batticus
Welcome to our forum and taking the courage to reach out.
What you have been through is horrible, and not too far away from stalking!
In my view you have done exactly the right thing in cutting ties completely. It happened only two weeks ago so everything will be very raw and have a sharp emotional edge to it. The good news is this will subside over time as she realises you are serious about wanting her out of your life, and the emotional abuse she is dishing out to you goes away.
I wonder if you are able to issue her with a AVO (Apprehended Violence Order)? Your counsellor may be able to advise on this. It will stop her from contacting you by any means. She is causing you emotional harm which will be having an effect on your health so you may be on solid grounds with that.
I separated from an unreliable GF many years ago and she too, created all sorts of reasons for unwelcome contacts. It plays with your mind alright, and made it very hard for me to focus on my work at that time. I had to get very firm with her and threaten to speak with the Police. That worked as I suspect she had some sort of record with them over a similar passage in the past.
Let the emotional waves come and go, even lean on them as they come to you and recognise them for what they are. Is there anyone you can discuss this with face to face?
I am very happy to chat again and hear about how things are progressing.
Bye for now - The Bro
Sorry you have been feeling this way I understand it would be difficult for you…
Have you thought about seeing your gp about the way you have been feeling? You could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist….
Im here to chat
Thanks The Bro for your reply
I sincerely hope something like an AVO or a restraining order won't be required. I doubt it will come to that. I suspect she is very angry with me and probably despises me, but I can't control that.
I feel awful about firstly having to block her. That is not the way I wanted things to go. I was in such a bad state that I simply couldn't deal with what she was sending me. It's was more self-preservation than anything else. I don't hate her or anything but I realise every time she communicates with me, it's another opportunity for me to be manipulated again. I can't deal with that any more.
There was trauma bond there, and having broken it naturally causes distress.
Going no-contact is really the only way I can rebuild myself again.
I'm lucky to have the support of work colleagues, my Mum and some close friends.
Hi Batticus and thanks for your reply!
Your comments and attitude show a lot of maturity and common sense.
Great to see you are focussing on rebuilding, looking at only what you can control, and have lots of quality support.
I am happy to chat back any time if you feel it might help as you progress.
Regards, The Bro
Unfortunately my ex 'ambushed' me at a gig I was playing at on Sat night. I'm a semi/professional musician FYI. It was advertised all over social media by the venue, she knew I'd be there.
When I parked my car when I arrived, I saw her in a restaurant just near by - having dinner with a male former colleague. I didn't acknowledge seeing her or anything, just tried to mind my own business.
She saw me so walked across the road to where I was playing. She basically wouldn't leave until she spoke to me. It was so intimidating.
She basically promised me all the things I asked of her before we broke up... couples counselling etc. It was so hurtful. Hearing her say all those things would have been music to my ears a few weeks ago but now too much damage has been done. I can't go back to such an unhealthy relationship. They were empty promises intended to manipulate me. She insisted it was a coincidence that she was there, but I know that's not true. I wouldn't be surprised if it was all carefully orchestrated.
What an awful night, I was a mess the rest of the weekend.
I hope it doesn't happen again.
Apparently this kind of thing is called 'hoovering'.
I'm nearly 4 weeks through the break up now. It's good to get to this point. My ex has actually reached out to MY counsellor, with the view of arranging couples counselling. I don't want to think the worst, but I feel like she's using him to get to me. He's not providing her with any information etc. about me. I've asked he not mention I have seen him.
From what he's indicated, she actually has an appointment with him booked. It's conflicting, as I have a great relationship with my counsellor but I feel like that has been compromised. I realise he won't divulge anything I've said to my ex but I find it incredibly obtrusive of her to see him.
The ironic thing is that when I suggested years ago that we consider counselling she insisted that she'd 'rather pull her own teeth out'. Once she realises she won't reach me via my counsellor I doubt she will continue seeing him.
I find it very stressful, I just want to mind my own business and try and get well again. I have no malice or ill-wishes to my ex, but I wish she would just leave me be.
Glad to be able to hear from you again, it certainly sounds rough when all you want to do is just go about with your own business, only to have her presence disrupting you from getting well.
I wonder if perhaps your ex is seeing your counsellor for other inquiries that's unrelated to you. Perhaps she herself isn't coping well with what is happening, and is seeking for some professional advise. Although you did mention that she was completely against professional help in the past, and if she really is looking to reach out to you through your counsellor and finds that she can't, then perhaps she'll give up and leave you be. But at least you can have a peace of mind that your counsellor is being professional with your situation, and won't divulge anything to about you to your ex.
Stay strong batticus, hope everything goes well for you, and I hope your ex will be able to find the help that she needs too. Happy to listen to you more!