Other woman claiming to be pregnant

[Orchard]

I have been in this relationship for better part of 10 years, my partner took a job at the start of the year which required him not to come home - early start, late finishes, then I found out that another female was there needless to say I had my suspicions. Then she messaged me saying she was pregnant with his child, we had been in a break to sort things out. He told me that he did indeed have relations with her but with no intention to be with her, however, she has threatened me, sent over 40 messages claiming he is kicking me out so she can move in, has vandalised his things, gone through everything blabbed around the town personal information. She claimed that she would provide test results, but it’s been three days and nothing, she refuses to do a DNA test on said child. I’m fearful because I don’t see her stopping until she gets what she wants which seems to be my life, the house etc. does anyone have any insight into what I should do? Ignore her until she can prove otherwise? Counseling? I’m struggling to see the end to which lengths she will go. I feel what she has sent is half truths and what she wants me to believe. She is going to the extent of driving past, wanting to confront me. I feel that she is claiming to be pregnant to keep him, I feel she needs some professional help.

[ecomama]

Hi Orchard

This is a really difficult situation you're dealing with.

If your husband's affair partner, or anyone for that matter, has destroyed YOUR property or stalked YOU or threatened YOU then YOU are completely within YOUR rights to apply for an AVO / IVO against this person.

No way do you need your husband's "permission".
IDK why you are asking H to do this.

It's VERY obvious something is amiss here.

But cheaters LIE LIE and LIE to cover lies. They get so tangled up in their own lies they don't even recognise the truth in the end.

It sounds particularly awful that friends / family of yours have contacted your husband's affair partner THEN they took her side, WOW.

There's some damage going down if people are abandoning you and I wouldn't believe a word of Hs or his affair partner tbh.

It's really time to look after Number ONE, being you btw, and Numbers 2,3,4 meaning the children.
Clearly neither H NOR affair partner gave a hoot about any of you at any stage during their affair.

Please search "The 180" and you need Legal Advice regarding the assets and parenting arrangements BEFORE you formally separate.
I don't want you making "run for the hills" decisions only to be taken to the cleaners (this happens ALL the time) or losing majority care of the children (which happens alot too).

Ask the Orchard 5 years from now "Hey awesome, what should I be DOING and thinking right now?". I bet she has some pretty direct things to say.

Remember the Helplines and call whenever you need to.

Hugs EM

[Orchard]

I believe the truth is somewhere in between.

i don’t believe a word she says based on the lies she has told and can’t prove or back up what she has claimed.

i don’t believe him either on certain things.

i feel as though it’ll just keep going around.

but I have to sort out my own equilibrium first and foremost and worry about everything later.

as for so called family and friends if it doesn’t go their way this is what they do. So then if they’re going to be that way they can all stay out of my life.

[Guest909]

Hi Orchard

As long as you and your family are safe, stand back, observe and gather your thoughts. When emotions are running high, poor decisions often follow. Very often one bad decision leads to another, and life gets out of hand.

Be a little careful about burning bridges; especially with family. That being said, you may have no choice.

You may have guessed that I am the type that likes to fix a problem rather than walk away; but that is just me. If the problem can't be fixed, you still have the final option.

[Orchard]

I am personally a very big empath, I cannot walk away that easily, but I can also see all sides to this.

Unfortunately for me I get stuck with the thoughts and insecurities.

I am struggling the most with - he won’t seek help to change and realise what he has done. Yes he can say the words but they’re just that words. I should fix it- why should I? I didn’t do any of this.

Honestly, when I needed my family the most they’re nothing but judgmental or just turn their backs entirely.

[ecomama]

Orchard you really sound like you have a very strong rational side to you!

Even through this SUCH enormously challenging time. I know your emotions would be strung out to the nth degree how. You're doing REALLY well.

I just want to say right now that your H needs you a LOT more than you'll ever need him.
Might not seem like it right now but clearly YOU are the responsible and mature one.

YEP! None of it was your doing! None of it is fair. I hate when this happens but it happens.
The fallout is enormous.

Tbh the ONLY person I care about is YOU.
You are experiencing deep feelings of betrayal from your H with little truth to have confidence in.
You've feared his affair partner's actions.
YOU are the stronghold in this family and it's you who needs ALL the support.
You care for the children.

Who is caring for YOU?

YOU are the most important person here. I couldn't give a darn about H and his antics and his seemingly "protective" mode over his affair partner. Couldn't give a darn about her either.

Here are a few techniques cheaters use that you may want to search and read up about...
* blame shifting
* rug sweeping (I can tell he's doing this one)
* smoke screening (this one too)
* overblown entitlement
* blindsiding partner
* gaslighting
* circular talking where cheating is concerned

There's more, around 8-20 typical text book behaviours they all seem to do!

Crazy isn't it. (Chumplady puts it all in very lighthearted perspective)

And this is YOUR life maybe forever if you stay.
Unless H is 150% committed and willing to accept TOTAL responsibility AND seek help to work through his many issues AND you guys seek Marriage Counselling then I'm sad to say you can't expect anything to change.

Even with ALL that I don't believe cheaters can change.

It'll be wash rinse repeat on repeat.

I would shut things down as fast as possible meaning protecting yourself and your children from further harm and fall out IF possible even whilst remaining in the home.

WLS and 1800RESPECT will help you do this.

We will too. Mr Paul and I are all over the situation, I'm sad to say also, because of our own experiences.

You've SO got this. You're already seeing things I couldn't see so early. Well done you.

EM

[Guest909]

Hi Orchard

You are so right; words without actions are meaningless. This is what I was getting at when I said, "stand back, observe and gather your thoughts". You need be rational, measured and firm on what you need. If this problem can be fixed (big if), it is up to your husband to fix it. As you said, you did not create the problem, he did.

Ecomama has posted a good deal of reference material that will help you make sense of your situation. Have a look at the chumplady webpage below - it is informative and relevant.

https://www.chumplady.com/

As to the question, can cheaters change - maybe? I say that because we all make mistakes. Most of us acknowledge and learn from our mistakes, some of us don't.

At the very least, some form of marriage counselling will be require to rebuild trust, if that is what you want. Without trust, there is no marriage.

[Orchard]

Blame shifting, gas lighting doesn’t work with me because I’m smart enough to know what he is doing and I won’t tolerate it at all and he knows this doesn’t work.
it’s his problem and he has to prove his worth not me, not the other way around.

yes some things I need to change but it isn’t as much as him and if he doesn’t then at the end of the day it’ll be his problem and I see a psychologist every month so I do talk to her about all of this.

As for someone like her I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her, she damn well knew that we were here geez in her mind she wanted my house. As if I’m going to leave something I’ve put my life worth into.

there are things I’m saying to see what the truth is, and then ask it again later and see if it changes.

[Orchard]

Can cheaters change? Is the same as can addicts change yes of course they can it just depends whether they have the drive to do so or not, I guess I’ll give it a few more months and see where this road leads, it’s not like I can’t change my path and re write a new one.
unfortunately for me I believe everyone is capable of change. Don’t get me wrong he is doing some things to change but not enough.
I want to see that guilt on his face I want to know that he knows I was right, as harsh as that sounds but everything in this world pays a price and comes with a consequence.

[Guest909]

Hi Orchard

Under the circumstances, I think you are handling the situation well. Your head is doing the thinking; kudos to you.

For your information, the "Women's Legal Service" may be of help if you have any legal questions that need clearing up. They may also be of some help if you feel threatened by the "crazy" woman.

Stay in touch if you need help!

[ecomama]

Dear Orchard, you don't sound tough at all! You're VERY kind and sweet thinking everybody is capable of change.

No, they're not. No way.

Even Mr Paul is sweet too (high five Mr Paul!) calling an affair "a mistake"... gosh I've just seen WAY too much.

A one night stand after too much alcohol, MAY BE at a big push, could be called "A mistake" note singular meaning ONE mistake. Probably 300 opportunities in that one night to pull back and say "NO, I can't do this etc".
And in my books ONLY if the partner raced home and "Omg I did ____. I'm so sorry, please forgive me, it'll NEVER happen again blah blah blah".
Moral compass a bit skewiff for that night... maybe.
Came with a confession, shows remorse and commitment to change.

But an Affair?
A mistake.... no way Jose.
All that creeping around, planning meetings, hiding texts and phone calls & people, guarding conversations etc etc etc - 10 thousand opportunities in every second of every day to say "No. Not doing this"... but if they're busted, then there was never a chance for confession.
Far less chance of ACTUAL remorse ... why? Because they WANTED to do it.
They enjoyed it. It may have been exciting creeping around. Laughing about betrayed partner not knowing.

Until the Affair Partner (AP) has had enough of the "future faking" of the cheating spouse. You can look that one up too!
It's another one.
Then the AP lets loose and the betrayed spouse finds out.
No confession. No guilt or remorse. Repeat cycle, "next" AP comes along.

APs are a dime a dozen. I would NEVER be angry at the Affair Partner. It's not THEIR responsibility to keep your marriage safe. They weren't in a committed relationship AT ALL.

The cheater was. All responsibility lies with them. Not A mistake. Intentional actions planned and executed well.

Orchard, don't worry I've been through VERY similar to you. The AP DID SO MUCH. Reporting ex demon to Police - I said "Take him away" lol. Demon got sacked because she reported it to it's bosses. On Christmas Eve I personally THANKED the popular Hardware store for having a moral compass FAR higher than demon.
And worse. Stuff that affected the children and I beyond imagination.

EM