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On the verge of separation, about me and how I'm going with it.

diverboybrent
Community Member

My life partner of 10 years and I are heading down a disaster road and I'm trying to see how I can repair the damage.

I mostly feel like we haven't been in a married relationship but rather a rut of being together for the sake of it. I have noticed over sometime My wife has become more distant which made me more insecure about our relationship and in turn made me question her and it a lot. I feel like my wife is not always being honest with me (even though she is) because of the growing silence and if I ask questions to try break the silence My wife feels I'm trying to run her life So I'm left feeling left out. I have an anger problem and managed to control it over the years it's like a safety net I use instead of feeling hurt, weak or when life starts becoming out of control.
I am insecure in our relationship I know that. It's because of the turn it's taken over the few years and feel I worthless because I can't make either of us happy with each other. I feel lonely and unappreciated because of the sacrifices I make to better our lives. I work FIFO and it's not an easy life to have. At the moment I am feel like my world is turning upside down I feel out of control with how things are going and hurting so much I really don't feel I can reach the end of this tunnel that's came rolling onto me. I can't see myself recovering from loosing my family, my life, and everything I worked so hard for.
I feel guilt that I could not make my wife as happy or be the husband she deserves and anger towards myself for allowing my insecurities get in the way of our happiness.
I have very high morals for what I believe should be part of a relationship. 100% honest and open with each other, respect each other's feelings and fully respect each other, love each other unconditionally and accept little floors each other might have. I also believe in boundaries where either one should accept when in a relationship. My personal boundaries are any of the opposite of mentioned above and my goal is to provide protection from an evil world by providing safety and security of my family, help them make decisions that affect us as a hole. I also don't believe married couples do things or act as single individuals do. I see marriage as a joint commitment where two individuals become one
With all this said I feel I have failed as a husband and a father and feel maybe they would better off without a failure like me. And have a chance at a life they deserve.

2 Replies 2

SubduedBlues
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Brent (I am guessing it's Brent)

First off, welcome to BB and know that you are in a safe environment to explore your feelings and find the help you seek. I am sure that you will find a path to peace somewhere in these pages.

Had you written your post some five years ago, I'd swear you were writing about me. After 18 years our marriage started to become excessively stressed by her silence; and by 24 it was over. So I may not be the best person to offer advice here; sorry.

The above said, however, when one considers the wisdom of hindsight, I think maybe/perhaps her silence was more about her trying to tell me that I was not hearing which (in her mind) she was clearly communicating. Actually I never heard a single one of her thoughts. All the time I was trying to rebuild (err save) the marriage, I was neglecting the time I should have been spending with the children.

So my advice to you is: stop being so blatant in your attempts to win her back. Focus on building the ideal, fun and loving relationship you want with your kids. Always be open and ready to involve her in what you are doing with the kids. My hindsight thinking is that: maybe she'd want to join in and be a part of that awesome family we were having and living in spite of her silence.

I guess it's, that I should have stopped focusing on trying to fix, and started focusing on building the new and better family; that hopefully she'd want to be part of. I should have organized "date night" outings and asked her to come along... and then still gone when she chose to not go.. giving her ticket to whomever (one of the kids, or one of my mates, or one of her mates husband's). I should have made it that life with me was better (for her) than life without me.

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One thing that I did right though, is that when we broke up, it was she who left. When we talked about how bad our marriage was, I said, "for better for worse, and this just happens to be part of the worse. And no, I will never leave." So when it came time to break up, she left. I kept the house and the kids.

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Well that's part of my story. Maybe there is something in it that you can you. Hopefully, you'll fare better than I did.

SB

Great thanks for the advice.

Will definitely take that onboard and focus on my daughter more and see how that goes.