On the edge of wanting divorce

pvroom · ‎28-03-2017

Hi, I have so many issues in my life but the biggest thing right now is that I'm so unhappy in my marriage.

How am i supposed to know how to decide whether to separate or not? We have a 2 yr old and I cannot stand the idea of shared custody and honestly, that is the main reason for staying together for me. He doesn't support me the way I need. He is so negative and unhappy himself but he won't do anything about it, he will just let it go on and on - both for him personally and in the relationship.

I feel truly like I'm in a hopeless situation!

pvroom · ‎27-09-2017

An interesting update from me, my husband is seeing a psychiatrist because our family counsellor believes he is on the autism spectrum or has ADHD or both... This is unsurprising to me as I know that I am not crazy and have been very calm when communicating, yet he just does not hear me. Whether it will help, time will tell, however, I feel very stressed that managing our home life will just become more and more my job because of his disorder.

slippery_slope · ‎27-09-2017

Hi pvroom,

Wow, you've got one huge heart there pv, hang in there girl you're doing a fantastic job trying to keep yourself and the family together. You can't asked for anymore than that.

I hope this update will change things for the better for everyone in your family.

Look after yourself just as well as you look after everyone else.

I really hope it works out for you.

Thinking of you.

pvroom · ‎29-09-2017

thank you slippery slope. Earlier I was watching the TV show The Big C which is about a woman who finds out she has cancer and a year or two to live so she completely turns her life upside down and just speaks her mind, does was she wants to do etc. This really speaks to me as I am always looking after others! Thank you for your reply and yes, I will look after myself, too.

slippery_slope · ‎29-09-2017

Good to here from you pvroom,

I hope things do work out for your family and I know the feeling of looking after everyone else's needs but your own.

I divorced last October. It was not a decision I took lightly, it was on my mind for 2 years after decades of keeping up with what my now ex wanted. I took on the mum and dad role for both my 3 kids and partner and worked full time. I got to the breaking point within my self and built the courage to do what was right me and i think for everyone else around us too. Looking back, it was hell but the best decision I ever made for me and I think for her as well. She found someone 3 months after I left who slipped straight into my vacant position and she is very happy again and I'm slowly finding my feet again with a more positive look out on life and feeling a bit more better about myself as time goes by 🙂

i think we just have to do what right for us if all avenues have been exhausted with the other half.

Think of you

Spikeo · ‎29-09-2017

Im new on here and am yet to tell my story, which isn't unlike yours in ways, but feel i should chip in here to hopefully give you some insight as both my boys have autism and 1 also has adhd. I honestly believe i have autism (my mum agrees) so this is pretty close to home.

I would suggest that, although i believe anyones own wellbeing and happiness should come first, you should learn about autism which is very hard because everyoneon the spectrum is different. But find information that relates to your husband and how he behaves. Reading storys from adults who have it is the best i have found because they can explain first hand and often can explain what goes on in their head so that its understandable and relatable to someone who has no experience of it.

My son was very angry and aggressive prior to his diagnosis. Once we knew and understood how he saw things we changed the way we communicated and dealt with him and from then on life was easier- still has his moments- but much easier on us when we see things through his eyes.

sorry its so long, but my point is when you understand how he may be feeling and how he sees things, then it will help you help him. And hopefully in turn will help you as a family.

pvroom · ‎11-10-2017

Thanks slippery slope, my husband and I are struggling along. I just find his whole life perspective difficult, he just never wants to do anything or go anywhere and it is depressing. And communication is a huge struggle.

Thanks Spikeo, I'm not sure if I mentioned but my son possibly is ASD or ADHD so I actually know a lot about it and I suspected my husband was one or both previously but not something you can really raise with someone easily. I completely understand why my husband is the way he is, and I accept it, but I don't know if I can live with it for the rest of my life. Not if it means I have to compromise on my dreams. This is the hard part.

Some days I think we will make it, and other days, I don't.

Rain501 · ‎16-10-2017

Hi I have been reading some of your posts and could really relate to some of you husbands behaviour. My children are 10 and 5 now but for 10 years my partner was uninvolved ,never helped out, never planned anything for family outing to the point I just did everything alone. I was so jealous at parks to see dads hanging out happily (not always happy but they were there) with their families. That's normal. I was the same I didn't want to separate the family but after that long of putting up with things and having repeated conversations where nothing improved and once the kids were older I realised I should have separated long ago as it wasn't healthy to anyone. I have just kicked him out 2 weeks ago and now suddenly he wants to do stuff with the kids! If I'd known that's all it took for him to want to spend time with his kids I would have done it years ago. But we will see how long it lasts. The early years with children are hard and I feel much more confident walking away from him now, financially and mentally Now the kids are more independent. Still heart breaking but over time I know me and the kids will be fine.

pvroom · ‎03-01-2023

better late than never @rain501 - we separated last year (2022) and I've never been happier. Wish we'd done it in 2017 but I have two kiddos now which is good. We tried and tried. I was so scared but I'm doing 100% fine, more than fine in fact.