On the edge of wanting divorce

[pvroom]

Hi, I have so many issues in my life but the biggest thing right now is that I'm so unhappy in my marriage.

How am i supposed to know how to decide whether to separate or not? We have a 2 yr old and I cannot stand the idea of shared custody and honestly, that is the main reason for staying together for me. He doesn't support me the way I need. He is so negative and unhappy himself but he won't do anything about it, he will just let it go on and on - both for him personally and in the relationship.

I feel truly like I'm in a hopeless situation!

[geoff]

hello Pvroom, this is a situation which you would never have thought would happen and I'm sorry that it has come down to this.
Basically if your husband doesn't want to help himself then there's not anything you can do to help him, because he will only dismiss what have to say and then ignore you, which seems to be happening.
In a marriage the two people have to work together, I know that this doesn't always happen because there will be a diffence of opinion that comes to the surface.
He seems to be thumbing his nose at counseling as well as taking medication, so in fact he's denying that he has a problem and that it needs attention.
Before you decide to divorce why don't you have a break and then decide whether this is what would suit the two of you much better, and if this happens this could be if he has decided to seek treatment, otherwise you will be back to square one.
I know that living a spouse/partner who is suffering from depression is never an easy feat. Geoff. x

[pvroom]

Thank you Geoff. I saw my psychologist yesterday and she gave me some similar advice as you have. It's really hard to face this situation as it feels hopeless. I am so terrified at the idea of divorce and what that means for our son, and how I would cope being apart from him several days a week. I hope we can rectify the situation. The psychologist has met my husband once and she said that not only is he depressed but our communication skills are so very different and we would both need to accept that in each other to be happy

[pvroom]

Things have been going along about the same, up and down etc. I have been seeing my psychologist and talking about whether the relationship issues are depression related or just fundamental issues of personality/communication etc. One of the things that has become more obvious is that my husband doesn't seem that depressed, he just doesn't want to do things i.e. outings as a family. We had always talked about living rural once we had kids but he has now said he doesn't want to do that. I am not feeling like I have to compromise what I want. However, obviously, now we have a two-year-old and it's not an easy decision to walk away. I also have a very poor relationship with family so my safety net exists of friends only. I am very capable so I can 100% manage on my own (which is a huge blessing) however do I want to? I am not really sure whether my husband and I can make it work or not. On one hand, I worry that I have chosen the wrong person. He is not a bad person but we want very different things. On the other hand, how common is it in relationships to go through phases of having very different interests/goals/priorities. My husband is very happy to just cruise through life, live in the suburbs etc. However, I am more spontaneous. When we met, I went through a period of depression due to a family situation, and he brings this up as evidence of a problem that I feel is in the past (7 years ago). I don't want to make any type of rash decision but at the same time, I can't live like this forever. It is very hard!

[geoff]

hello Pvroom, people in a marriage or a long term r/ship tend to grow apart, their tastes change, what they like to do begin to differ and the list goes on, this maybe OK if they both agree on what the other wants to do, so they can then do what interests them, but as soon as there becomes constant conflict, then something else needs to be done.
There will be decisions made that may not agree with their partner/spouse, so conflict begins, and if you decide to leave eachother, then there will be occasions where it's not what you would ever want to happen, but the question is if you move away is it going to make you happy 75% of the time, rather being together and not being happy at all, because in the long run this 75% will have the opportunity to grow, especially as your 2 year old grows up.
To me I would want to be happy and not struggle through life, that's a temptation for depression to increase, and procrastinating a decision is not going to make your life any happier. Geoff.

[pvroom]

It's so scary though. What if it's a huge mistake? I guess it isn't final if you separate. I've been thinking of perhaps suggesting I take our two-year-old away for a week alone. I feel so much joy with him and all I want is to enjoy life. He has additional needs so it's been a very difficult journey but my husband is struggling to find joy in life. I guess I feel that because of our circumstances, I should be giving him a chance to get through the grief and return to a better place. I read an article that said 'describe two experiences that have brought you joy together'. We have been together for 8 years and the only thing I can think of is renovating our first home. This is not good...

[geoff]

hello Pvroom, I think that would be a great idea to take your 2 year old away with you, because if your husband can't find any joy in life, then that's a great excuse to suggest you have your son for a certain period of time, and it may also please your husband if you suggest this.
If he doesn't seem to be depressed and then not enjoying it, doesn't that suggest that you both separate, and no this may not mean it's final, but certainly will give the two of you an indication whether you want this permanently, but you won't know until you try it, and to me it sounds like a good idea. Geoff.

[Carla09]

hi pvroom,

Sorry to hear that your husband is still so negative..Not wanting to go on family outings would really bring me down as it is the only thing I look forward to...what can be more important than creating happy memories for your child?

You say you have little support. Do you think you are both burnt out? It does get better as the kids get older. From the sounds of it your husband seems to be draining you of all your energy and positivity. In your situation I would just continue planning all the great adventures you and your son can have even if that means you go on holidays alone...However, I would start trying to demand that he takes inititative to plan enjoyable actvities with your son as well..

Whether you get divorced or not obviously none of us can advise...however, I do think your husband needs to work on actually bonding and enjoying your son...for your son's sake in the future...my impression is that he sees his son as a chore, and this is something he needs to overcome...divorced or not as I have seen plenty of divorced fathers who treat Sunday visits as a chore ..and the kids pick up on this...it is pretty hurtful...Perhaps I have misinterpreted your husband, so sorry If I am jumping to conclusions...

[pvroom]

Hi Carla, sorry I didn't see this until now. You are mostly right, he does see a child as a chore. He has moments of enjoying him but they are few and far in between. We are not arguing as much as we were but we are just not communicating. He has hurt his knee and so things have ground to a halt which makes it all so much harder. This has happened before, last winter it was a migraine, over summer it was something else. He doesn't realise that his body is telling him he is unwell, he just sees it as an injury. It's exhausting me in so many ways

[pvroom]

There is essentially nothing I can do but write here which does bring me some type of peace. Nothing has really changed in my situation and I continue to wonder what I should do. I know that I don't want to be a single parent and in fact with my son's health the way it is, I don't know if I could really cope. My husband keeps saying he wants it to work but nothing ever changes. We are doing some counselling but it just raises the issues I already know are there, and he does nothing to change the dynamic. Sigh. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I just want someone to tell me how to fix everything.

[pvroom]

Hi Geoff, you know, I was talking to my psychologist yesterday for the whole hour about this issue and at the end, she told me she didn't think my husband's unhappiness was due to the relationship (not wholly at least). And I sat there and digested that, and realised that all the hard work I've been doing, fighting for us, is not doing anything because he's unhappy for other reasons. I told him this and as usual he basically says nothing. I asked him if he was able to at some point share why he is unhappy and he says he will, but he never does so I don't know. I honestly feel like I would be better off alone or with someone else, but now with a child, argh it is so hard. I never understood this before marriage and kids, but wow, it is very eye opening. I wish I had thought more about these things before we married and had a child. We were never really right I don't think for each other.