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Obsessed with my Mates wife

Community Member

Hey Guys I need to get it off my chest as I can’t tell anyone about it and it’s tearing Me up. I am a married man& My Mate is also Married. His wife is a very kind caring person and the first time I had a one on one chat with her she really impressed Me. The more I got to know her the more I liked her & really liked her. I would make up excuses to talk to her or txt her about trivial things, when she would reply to a txt it made me feel really good. I have sent her a lot of txt messages and she always replies but I know she has never messaged me first only replying to Mine.

She doesn’t wear provocative clothing but I find her incredibly sexy , I keep looking at her photos on Facebook , when I hear She has spoken to another Man I get jealous. I fantasise about being with her & I can’t stop thinking about her. When I’m around her I feel like a dog on heat & nothing else matters. I know I shouldn’t feel this way about My mates wife but I do ,

I’m in love/lust/obsessed

Obviously I can’t talk to My wife or Mate about this and I am scared to tell My mates wife in case she doesn’t feel the same and tells everyone

not sure what to do hey

20 Replies 20

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Toochatty, welcome and good on you for having the strength to be a part of the forums. I'm sorry that you haven't had a response as yet, as we pride ourselves on getting back to all new members as quickly as we possibly can.

This would be a difficult situation but you're not alone here as many guys also have been in exactly the same sitution as you are now, me included.

If it's OK to ask, how long have you been with your wife, just so I can help provide you with a better response.

Hope to hear back from you.

Take care.


white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Too chatty, welcome

This often happens, your feelings are quite normal/natural

Progessional people also face this dilemma.

However, there is that line that cant be crossed. Consider also that admiring or having a crush on a person is very different to living with them.

While its ok to text a friend or advance a friendship if you have a crush it isnt recommended.

I hope I've helped


Thanks for the replies guys.

I’ve been Married for 12 years and things are ok with the wife , no real issues but I guess the shine has worn off a bit & maybe we’re a bit stale.

When I’m around my Mates wife I feel my heart rate increase & I can’t stop looking at Her. I love staring into her eyes while she talks to me. I can’t help looking her up & down, I stare really trying to see the outline of her underwear or just admiring the shape of Her body. I find excuses to lean in close to her & smell her Purfume . I feel like we really click and it’s hard to bottle up my feelings & not say anything to anyone.

I haven’t told her but maybe She has noticed I really like her

I get so excited every time I get a message on my phone & check it hoping it’s Her. I think about Her all the time & cant wait to see her, I lay awake at night thinking about Her.

i don’t feel bad for my wife or mate because my feelings are so strong

Hi again

You say your feelings are "so strong" and that justifies you not feeling "bad for your mate and your wife".

I'm sorry but that is no reason. In fact if we dont gloss over the topic you are in fact advocating betrayal of both of them.

If you feel these urges are linked to your mental health problems I suggest you get a referral to an appropriate therapist. If you believe it isnt linked to your mental health then self reflection/discipline is your only hope.

Either way, I hope you find a result that doesnt risk devastation for all.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Toochatty,

I think we all recall that first flush of lust and it can be hard to resist. The problem is that you are married and so is she, so the odds of this going somewhere are very slim. Not only that but most outcomes result in disaster: you may tell her how you feel and she may reject you (and potentially tell her husband, who may in anger tell your wife), you may both have an affair and be found out and she may decide to stay with her husband, you may both leave your respective partners and be together, only to realize that you’re not particularly suited over time. Your judgement is currently being clouded by all these feel-good hormones designed to make us procreate, and they are intoxicating. You may give in to your base urges and risk it all, but you may come to regret that decision once those hormones wear off, as they inevitably do. Just be careful and make sure you have thought this through. A lot of people spend their lives searching for that elusive love, when they have the power to create it at home.

Ok guys thanks for the replies , obviously I know it is not a good thing to be in love with someone else’s wife.

Im not sure about the best way to deal with it. If I cut off all contact, I loose a beautiful person out of my life.

I wish I could just flick a switch and stop obsessing over Her. whenever I’m around Her I have a flood of emotions and I know I shouldn’t.

Now when I look back at my life I think this happens whenever I get close to a woman, as a friend of workmate I start to have these feelings. This time the feelings are so strong I’ve never wanted anything so much as I want to be with Her.

Lets look at a positive, you know what your problem is.

If possible seek some therapy. Thankyou for being open and honest even though responses arent ideal.


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi toochatty,

I hope my response didn’t come across as harsh. I just didn’t want you to make a decision because you were in the moment and it was hard to resist but would cause you major regret later on. I think cutting off contact would probably be best, but I also understand your desire not to do that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Hi Toochatty, I had typed a reply but the site went for maintenance so I lost it.

It's difficult to remember the first reply, however, you have a personality where you like other females, if it's not this one, it will be someone else, but you can't keep wanting to touch, kiss them or be intimate with them, but it will do several things, destroy your marriage just as it will do the same for their marriage or relationship or she may reject you, and if so, this will dampen the connection between you, your wife and them.

Secondly, you don't even know if the two of you will be able to live together, thirdly, cloud 9 will not continue, it never does, unfortunately, then if you do manage to live together, eventually you maybe doing the same later on, so you be in the same position and then maintenance will have to be paid.

I know guys who have been married several times and each time they have to start their life again.

Rejuvenate your marriage if you feel it's become stale if this is possible, concentrate your attention on your wife.

Sorry about my first reply.